I want to be Luna Lovegood.

I want to be her. Seriously. She's constantly in her own little world, and yet she's so considerate of others. She doesn't really care what other people think of her and she stands up for what she believes in. She's got a style of her own and nobody else comes even close to being like her. She's always mysterious, and seemingly crazy, leaving everyone questioning everything, but she's still fun enough to be a great friend. I want to be Luna Lovegood.

I have finals this week. I'm almost excited that they're here because as soon as I'm done with them, I'm moving straight on. I'm going to lead a completely different lifestyle, I'll have a completely different outlook on everything and I'm hoping that things start to become much more enjoyable. I'm ready to crank out an extreme to do list and live life better. I've been done with these classes mentally since the beginning of November so you can imagine how I feel about all of them now. It's going to be exciting when Thursday afternoon rolls around and I'm officially done with this semester. I'm not even going to obsess about my grades until they're up.

Sheep.

So on the way home from Phoenix today, my mom and I stopped at a Target store. We parked next to this truck that looked like it had one of those wired dog crates in the bed, and it was partly covered by a blanket. We wondered if there was a dog inside of it (and since we're dog lovers we had to check.) But there wasn't a dog in this crate. Instead...

A little sheep. Very cute, just chillen in the back of this truck like nobody's business. It was a very unexpected surprise.

So I learned this weekend that I don't really do well with last minute stressors. Especially something like last minute auditions. I definitely appreciate the idea of over preparing and preparing for a very long time before something like that. I definitely learned that I can't do anything very well if I'm in high anxiety. Something to definitely work on.

Keeping this in mind, I'm planning on starting my preparations for the next auditions I'm planning on ASAP.

Odd looks and Medical Records.

Although I'm pretty significantly oblivious about a good amount of things, the one thing I never miss is when I get odd looks from people. Especially groups of people when I'm by myself. I tend to get them a lot more lately and I'm not really sure why. I caught many of these looks this morning, so when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror.

This is a pretty normal outfit for me on yoga days. I usually dress really comfy, and even though I have bluish socks sticking out of my red plaid boots, I wouldn't say this looks too odd. Nonetheless, I had people looking at me like I was wearing a parrot on my head or something. Oh well, it almost makes me want to dress even more "crazy" since I'm already getting the looks for it. I enjoy wearing odd combinations of things. And I was super cozy today too. (Side note, yes, my room is super messy. Just the way I like it.)

I put together all of the paperwork and letters and such for my retroactive withdrawal for my first semester at UA. I just have to finish writing the summary letter, get a form from the registration office and then hopefully it won't be too difficult turning it all in. I'm going to go tomorrow right after my classes. On the website it says it takes 8-10 weeks to go through and have them email you with the results. I can guarantee you that I'm going to be checking that email every single day multiple times per day from tomorrow until I get it. I'm really hoping everything goes ok with it, I feel like I have more than enough paperwork and a legit reason to petition for it. I don't know what I'll do if they deny it. It's my only chance to march again with the Pride.

This is me swamped in my medical records from last year. Keep in mind, these are individual stacks of packets. Quite a bit of paperwork.

Anyways, I should probably go work on that letter or practice music or do something productive. :)

Winter Photo Shoot.

So yesterday while baking, I definitely burned myself pretty bad pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven. I think this is the worst burn I've ever gotten (thank God it's not really all that bad.) My skin is literally burnt to a crisp though it's an odd brownish color and it's already scarring right in the middle. It's pretty gross. It actually looks like a bruise I used to get playing cymbals. Which is kind of funny.

This picture doesn't do it justice.

Anyways, today I got to do another one of my photo shoots today, with two of the most lovely girls in the world. :) We went to Reid Park and had some fun just running around and doing whatever it was a lot of fun. I definitely needed to do a photo shoot, I had been itching to do one for a while, it's been a few months since I've had the chance to really put something together.

They're both wearing Tinker Bell gloves :)

I love taking pictures at odd angles. Straight on just seems really boring to me most days unless there's something crazy going on in the picture. I love color too. Although I think black and white is absolutely beautiful, I rarely turn my photos black and white. Instead, I use tons of amazing filters.

We took several shots trying to get this right. It wasn't a matter of catching the leaves in the air in the shot, it was the brightness level, or the colors blending too much.

I love the very unnatural orangy red against the more natural setting behind it. These girls are crazy, they were climbing all over all sorts of things. Just the type of models I love. :)

I love playing around with photoshop and discovering what nifty things I can do with it. Sometimes I'll go online and find tutorials teaching new ways to make your pictures look amazing on photoshop and I do my best to give them all a try. If I love them, I usually try to take pictures in my next photoshoot that would work with a cool idea I've discovered. A while ago when I was looking through these tutorials, I actually thought of my own idea (one I'm sure many others have done, but I'm proud to say that I personally came up with it on my own in the case of my own work.) I thought it would be cool to take a series of pictures of one person in different places in one setting. For example...

The three on the left are all Erika, and the three on the right are all Nikki. 

One day when I learn how to make tutorials, maybe I'll post some on here. It's so much fun to do unique things with your photos and it's really fun to impress your friends with what you can do.

Baking day.

So today was Christmas cookie baking day. My mom, sister and I always have a day at the beginning of December where all we do all day is bake and decorate cookies for the holidays. We make a TON and they last us all through December (well most of December anyways.) It's a lot of fun, we put on Christmas music, turn on the Christmas lights and even though there's no snow it starts to feel a bit more like the Christmas season. I've always had such a problem with the fact that it doesn't snow here.

My favorite part is always the decorating. Although I like cutting out the cookies, decorating is the time when I get to be a bit creative with the cookies. Our cookies usually turn out a bit odd, they definitely show our quirky styles. 

This is my sister and her carrot cookie. 

This is my L cookie, complete with my neon lime green frosting (my favorite color!)

Aaaand my <3 cookie. *shout out to my BFF*
After baking day, the kitchen is usually a complete disaster and the last thing my mom wants to do is cook dinner for us. So we ordered some Pei Wei (you can do it online, it's so bomb.) And my sister, the dog and I went to pick it up.

My kiddie teriyaki chicken meal, complete with starfish chopsticks. Yum.
Now we have plenty of cookies overflowing in our kitchen and I think I'm ready for the Christmas season finally.

I need to go Christmas shopping soon. I have a great idea for what to get all my friends, and I can't wait to put their gifts together. Only two more weeks of school left until Winter Break! I'm so excited.

Wish me luck.

It's funny that I know all of these facts on how to make my life better, but instead of incorporating them into my life, I sit around and continue to complain about everything that isn't going right. Because that makes total sense right?

I read a post from http://smartprettyandawkward.com (which is my new favorite blog to check out everyday) and it said something about how you can't just sit around day dreaming about what you want to do with your life and how you need to act upon it to do any good. That's something I'm definitely bad at. I sit around picturing myself being an amazing cymbal player or working at my home run photography business or just being happy, and then I don't do anything about it. And the problem isn't that I don't know how. I'm just incredibly lame and lazy. My one problem in life is that I don't know how to push myself. I don't have motivation.

Which is weird when I want some of these things SOOO bad.

Anywho, negatively talking about all of it won't do me any good, and talking about what I plan to do to improve seems to be the only thing I write about, so I'll write about what I plan to write about in the future (I'm gonna kind of mix up the style of my blogs... I hope). Then if I don't show improvement, those of you who actually read this can smack me and yell at me to shape up. :)

First of all, I've realized that I need to take more pictures and make use of them. I want to take a few pictures everyday at least to post on my blog. Pictures of things I did, pretty things I saw, people I like, whatever. Everyday. I know I see picture opportunities everywhere, so I need to take advantage of them.

I need to stop wasting time. That seems to be basically all I do. I sit around and do nothing in particular, and it's just not a very good way to go leading a life. So that means less time on the computer and more time doing other things that are significantly more productive. (That doesn't mean less blogging though, I still plan on doing that, just after I do some of those productive things.)

I need to actually get healthy. I'm definitely healthier there's no denying that, but I'm not as ship-shape as I could be and definitely not where I want to be. I want to have more energy, look a little better, feel better, sleep better, whatever. So I'm gonna cut caffeine, stop eating junk, and work out like my life depends on it (...oh wait...)

That whole living life to the fullest deal? Yeah that might be worth a shot.

Wish me luck.

Before I turn 20.

So I realized earlier today that I have 4 months left of being a teenager. It was the saddest thing I had ever thought of in my life I think. But I didn't waste much time being sad about it because I made this other decision. I need to have a list of things I want to do as a teenager... you know teenager-y things, before I turn... *sob*... 20. Now before you read this list, understand that this definitely doesn't mean that this will be the last time I do any of these things, I just want to do them all one last time as a teenager... baahh :(

-Have a board game night with friends.
-Make root beer floats.
-Have a SUPER GIRLIE sleepover.
-Have a tea party.
-Color pictures from a coloring book for friends.
-Camp in my backyard (and make smores of course!)
-Go play on a playground.
-Kiss a boy.
-Go on an awkward movie date.
-Go bowling.
-Go to skate country.

This is all that I can think of for now, but I think that's a pretty good list.

Crazy.

There are these moments. When something hits you out of nowhere. Like a truck. And it catches you so off guard that you forget to breathe. So you sit there for a few moments. Not breathing. Somewhere, among your other thoughts of other things, you remember you need to breathe. So you do. But it doesn't feel right, like your lungs are too heavy. You decide just not to breathe.

You really aren't sure what to do. The thoughts aren't even really coming anymore. It's all frozen. One thought. The one thought you'd rather not think. Sitting there, you let your arms go limp. They hang at your sides. Nothing works anymore. Breathing, thinking, being, it's all broken. What more is there to do?


Sometimes, I think it would just be easier to be crazy. Completely, utterly, crazy.

Maybe I'll try it.

12 days left.

So it's November 28 and I have two and a half days until my nanowrimo is supposed to be complete. Within those two and a half days I have two tests, a presentation to finish, doctors appointments, and some other various plans that will be occuring in between. So I think it's definitely about time for me to accept defeat. I did alright this year, I got to 22,000 words, that's almost half. I think next year I need to do a lot more planning for my story. I don't know if I'll be able to get away with doing another memoir. I'll just continue to brainstorm for the next year and hopefully by the time next November rolls around I'll have some good ideas in store.

There are just about 12 days left in this semester. I think the biggest reason I'm starting to hate this semester is because I really don't know how well my grades are going to turn out. I stopped caring about my classes when I realized I really wasn't going to need them. I decided what I'm really going to go for in my major, and I'm excited about that instead. So I saw the classes I'm in as a waste of time. Which made the fact that they were difficult for me even harder to overcome. But I'm really going to try not to worry about it too much and just kick some butt next semester.

I'm hoping that my motivation issues are a thing of the past now that I know what I want to do with my life (at least what I want to do for the next few years). I think that was the hardest thing for me, finding the motivation to keep moving forward, when I really didn't know what forward was going to be for me.

I'm so glad I learned how to actually utilize my planner. I have things organized and highlighted and I think I've kept track of more things because of it. And it helps that I actually look at it. I think it gives me some clarity in my day to day life. That, and it makes sure that I don't forget I have two tests and a huge presentation coming up this week. Blegh. 12 days.

Keep calm and carry on.

1,000 Words.

If I could, I would wear a tutu every day. Perhaps I’d wear colorful socks to go with it. I’d never wear shoes unless I absolutely felt like it, but they would never be boring shoes maybe rain boots or ones that lit up. I’d wear bright red lipstick and glitter on my eyes all the time. My hair would be long and curly and bounce around as happy as could be. I would dance around as I pleased and wouldn’t care what people thought. I wouldn’t need confidence because I would simply be happy all the time. I would have lovely friends to have tea parties with and sit and laugh with and go swimming in the ocean and take pictures with. I would fall in love with a boy who longed for simplicity and we would get married and move to the country. We would be married in Colorado with only our families and very close friends in attendance. He would have dark hair that I would love running my fingers through. And I would love the ring he gave me because it would be simple and yet the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I would never forget to wear it. I’d live in a simple little cottage with not too many rooms but enough to still be able to escape if I needed to. I would have a swing in a tree that stood fifty feet tall and would have leaves that turned thousands of colors in the fall. I would take up ballet again and I would dance in Swan Lake or the Nutcracker. And I wouldn’t be afraid to sing out loud sometimes, even though I knew my voice was quite terrible and no one would want to hear it. I would wish on shooting stars and close my eyes and pretend that I could fly. I would paint pictures on a canvas using nothing but my fingers. I would eat chocolate every day and drink tea every morning. I would have a huge bed with hundreds of pillows and one of those gigantic fluffy comforters that you can just get lost in. And I would cuddle every night falling deeper and deeper in love. And it would rain and it would snow and we’d jump in puddles or make snow angels, and the leaves would fall and we’d make piles to leap into, but we’d always save the very prettiest leaves to press into a book and keep forever. I would hang pictures on the wall full of memories and beauty and there would never be a blank spot. I would talk to someone new every day and we’d discuss music and literature and how lovely the weather has been lately. I would have five dogs, big dogs that would be as lovable as can be and would believe that they were actually lap dogs and would snuggle at night while I read. And I would learn to write songs and become amazing at playing the piano and people would beg me to write a song about them. If I ever felt upset I would go driving in my car for as long as the road would take me, singing every song on the radio on the top of my lungs and not really caring how fast I was going or what time it was. I would go to Disney Land at least once a year. I would challenge myself to become stronger and surprise people with what I could do. I would learn how to play every instrument in existence. I would train to run a marathon and find a new hobby I loved. I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him how I felt and we would never get tired of being with each other. He would learn how to cook because I would be awful at it and I would do all the baking. We wouldn’t have kids, but we’d be happy together, racking up the years, but never feeling less passionate. I would read all of Jane Austin’s books and I would write in a journal every night. And my best friend and I would talk every day about anything and everything we could think of and we would always meet once a week and go on adventures. I would never watch TV, but sometimes I would play video games if I really got bored. I would make mixed tapes for everyone I knew of all the songs that reminded me of them. I would be a favorite aunt to my sister’s three kids and I would always spoil them when they came to visit and on their birthdays and Christmas. I would travel the world for a year taking pictures of thousands of places so that everyone could see the real beauty of the earth and I would meet penguins in Antarctica and become their friends. I would never eat fast food, but I would eat really good pizza as often as I could. Sometimes I would let myself cry because I just needed to do it, because there are sad things in this world that are worth being cried for and he would hold my hand and tell me it’s all going to be ok. We would go on walks every night with our five dogs and say hello to all of the neighbors and end up standing at one particular house for an hour because we start to chat a bit. I would be a music teacher and he would be an engineer or a writer or a doctor. I would have colorful Christmas lights in every room every day of the year and those glow in the dark stars on the bedroom ceiling.  And sometimes, when I had too many thoughts in my head at a particular moment in time I would sit and I would type all of my thoughts until suddenly I realized that I had written over 1,000 words and I would post it in a blog hoping that people would read it and think it was wonderful. But I would only really hope that you would read it and think that I was wonderful.

Free write.

Writer's block is awful. 

Especially when you're trying to write 50,000 words by November 30th.

In my attempts to get rid of said writer's block, I'm writing this blog. I googled what to do when suffering from writer's block and it told me to just step away from what I'm attempting to write and just ramble on somewhere else about whatever comes to my mind. So I did a free write. And it didn't really work. But for amusement purposes, I thought it would be a good idea to post the ridiculous mess that resulted from my free write.

Two weeks ago my room was clean. Now it isn't. There are too many shoes  and I don't even wear that many different shoes. I wish I was brave enough to wear high heels on just a normal every day type occasion. I like the way they look with jeans and the height boost would be beneficial. I need to be more confident. Guys like girls that are confident. At least I think the do. Free writes aren't supposed to sound good. Are they? They told me to write what was on my mind. All I can think is that I still have 32,000 words and that I wonder if I'll ever let anyone read it anyways. And I wish my Dr. Pepper hadn't gone flat and I wonder where you are and what you're doing but my socks are too tight and this bug bite itches. I want to repaint the walls in my room. I don't like the colors anymore. I want lime green and dark red stripes. I need new Christmas lights, mine are broken. Pandora seems to understand me today. Something happened today and it made me smile SO BIG. And I was happy even though it wasn't something that would make most people as happy as it made me. Some people are so good with words, or maybe they're just good at picking the right order. My grammar check doesn't seem to think I'm good at picking the right order. My house is creepy and dark and empty right now. I wish people could hear the words the way I mean to write them. They're so black and white looking on the page when I really put so much feeling into them. Do you see what I feel? Sometimes I wish I could telepathically send a thought to someone. I would do it anonymously. Then I could see how they felt by who they thought it was. I'd probably be disappointed. And the room is too cold and my phone stays too silent and what do you think? And it's funny that I totally get what you're saying, I mean I COMPLETELY relate, but it wouldn't make sense to tell you that would it? I'm going to do horribly in my chemistry class but I'm ok with that now that I know it's unimportant to my life. Chemistry doesn't like me, and we've agreed not to try and be friends anymore. And I will always be me, but I do have the choice to be the version of me that I want to be. I want to be that girl. Her. And it seems like there are times that my entire being bursts in motivation and drive, but that always seems to happen when it's 2am and I can't do anything about it. I believe in God, why is that such a bad thing? I confuse depression with exhaustion. The real me glitters. It makes sense if you let it. Thats 498 words.

No more disappointment.

So I'm starting to realize that it's just not worth it to be disappointed about things anymore.

I made the choice a little to late to try out for cymbals this year. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't prepared and that I definitely did not deserve a spot. I'm not putting myself down, I'm stating the facts. I've been asked by several people who knew that cymbals was my first choice for this season if the outcome I got yesterday was disappointing or if I was bummed. Truthfully, I was. For about two minutes. I was given the news and was disappointed, I walked back into the room, told Tyler and then just sat and took it in.

But when the line was being announced and Anne and I were the ones announced for the vibraphone section, I immediately thought of it in an entirely different way.

It's been a year since I've been able to be on a music ensemble because of various issues I've been facing. And it's been killing me, not being around my people, not being able to do what I do best, feeling like I don't have a life anymore... But now I have the opportunity to be back and I'm amazed. I'm definitely lucky to have the chance to be back in such an amazing organization and I'm definitely thankful for it.

So I'm looking forward to this season. I'm not disappointed in the least bit, there's nothing to be disappointed about. I think I like to picture how things should be or how I would like them to be instead of just enjoying things as they are. No wonder I'm never satisfied. Well I'm definitely learning the right and wrong ways to go about life and be happy. And letting things disappoint me for extended periods of time is definitely the wrong way to go.

Sparticus.

"You should write a blog about me

And title it

Sparticus

Or something cool

Then everyone will praise you

Especially me"

 

 This blog is about you and your many things.

... I'm waiting.

Some more random.

I had one of those depressing "well I guess that's never going to happen. I should probably just get over it." moments last night. It's one of those things where all reality comes rushing in and the light bulb goes on, you see a bit clearly and it all starts making sense. I hate those moments.

So lately I've been sort of busy with random things and it always seems like those are the times that I find myself wanting to play video games. Like I feel this physical need to get out the playstation or my PC games and geek out. That physical need severely dwindles when I'm bored and have absolutely nothing to do. What an awful cycle.


I can't help but think that I could delete you from my facebook and phone contacts list and be absolutely fine with that. I could probably go the rest of my life without ever seeing you again and wouldn't shed a tear about it. I've gotten past the need to know how you're doing, I've gotten past feeling the need to talk about how absolutely idiotic you are. Actually I learned this last weekend when I felt absolutely lame talking about you at all. To bad you live with one of my best friends.

I'm afraid to write the dates in my planner because the past few times I've done that I haven't made it/ been kicked off/ ended up not being able to finish the season. I seriously feel like it would jeapordize my chances. Actually I think it would gaurantee that I wouldn't be on the line. I hope taping it to my wall doesn't have the same effect... (the excitement was too much).

According to the personality test I took in psychology, people see me as mushy, over emotional and just pathetic. Thanks for that confidence professor, really I'm embracing my personality more than ever. /sarcasm.
Meh. Oh well.

I already have the songs picked out for the 2011 Fusion Slideshow. Start taking pictures people.


**Hey if you read my blog, comment and let me know. I'm just curious to know how much of an audience I really have for this thing. :)**

If I had a lot more confidence.

Maybe, if I had a lot more confidence, I would just walk up to you one day. I would say hello, ask how you are, start a conversation. We could get to know each other better, become friends of a sort. Then, if I had a lot more confidence, I would tell you how I feel. Maybe it would be a surprise, maybe not. Perhaps you would feel the same, if I had a lot more confidence, it would be ok if you didn't.

These are some of the scenarios that can run over and over in my head. Somewhat perfect interactions that I know will never happen. I would be extremely lucky if they ever did. But instead I stay in my comfort zone on the other side of the room, watching as you enjoy yourself with your friends. And it's alright that you'll go on with your life never knowing that even though I tell myself I'm super lame and I definitely try not to think about you, I still do all the time. It's ok because I definitely don't do a lot of work making it any other way.

I'll eventually move on, everything will just keep flowing like nothing was ever astray, but there's always that glimmer of wondering what might have happened... if I had been just a little more confident.

Things I've been thinking about recently...

Things that have been on my mind lately:

-The whole idea was NOT to fall for him, how is it even possible that I'm starting to like him more even though I never see him? What's it gonna be like when I see him all the time again?

-Not having band sucks the life out of my life.

-Protein drinks are disgusting. Sometimes being small and trying to build a ton of muscle sucks.

-Have you ever looked at pictures of that girl he hangs out with all the time and just thought to yourself: "Well eff, there's no way I can compete with that."

-I wish my arms were longer.

- I really wanna know why you don't care anymore, all drama aside.

-I need another pedicure. My glitter is falling off... and that sounds waaaay to girlie for me.

-I think I forgot to do my math homework last night.

Tornado Nightmares.

I had my third huge tornado dream of my entire life last night. I can specifically remember 2 other dreams that I've had that hugely involved a tornado, in great detail, which doesn't happen to me often. ( I'm usually one of those people who wakes up and knows they were having a really cool/interesting dream but for the life of them can't remember what it was about.)

But this tornado nightmare was very different from the last two.
The first tornado nightmare I ever had, I had when I was still living in Colorado 9 years ago. I was in my room, the tornado sirens had gone off and I knew that a tornado was coming so I was trying to collect my things from my room that meant the most to me so that I could save them in the basement. I could even see the tornado coming from outside my window, but I was taking my sweet time in that room, putting toy after toy into bag. I remember feeling panicky but for some reason I couldn't move faster or seem to get enough of my stuff to safety. The tornado was moving slowly too, getting closer but seemingly taking forever to get to my house. When I woke up I hadn't left my room yet.

The second tornado nightmare I had, I had when I had just moved to Tucson. I was in the extended hotel in Colorado that my mom, sister and I had stayed in for months after we had sold our house but before the year was over and we moved to Arizona. Again, a tornado was slowly coming towards the hotel, and I could see it outside our window, but instead of me taking my sweet time to leave, my mother was. She was getting ready, taking a long shower and then doing her hair, and as much as I begged her to hurry so that we could leave because there was a tornado on its way, she wouldn't speed up at all. Again I was panicky but there didn't seem to be anything that I could do about it. Again, when I woke up, we hadn't left the room.

The dream that I had last night was completely different from these two. It didn't even start out with anything tornado related. I was dancing in some sort of hotel room on an upper level like in dancing with the stars. The routine involved tennis balls and everything was just going wrong. As we kept dancing more and more things kept interrupting us. I was very mad by the end of the routine, but when my mom started to yell at everyone who had interrupted us I yelled at her to stop. I left the room crying. There was this big hallway that led to huge stairs overlooking a huge lobby. I was still upset and when I realized the stairs didn’t go down but just around I was even more upset and just sat against the banister. A friend of mine was walking with one of his friends around the stairs because they were patrolling and they didn’t see me at first. His friend left and he came down and talked to me. Suddenly people started screaming that a tornado was coming and we needed to leave the building. We all went to a nearby school, and my group of people was told to sit against a wall outside. The tornado started circling the school and we would get periods of rain and wind and then periods of nothing. I texted my mom asking her where she was. I prayed to God that we would survive. After a while, we all thought the tornado had left. I even saw it circling another school in the distance, there was a gray mist cloud following it and where we were was sunny and clear. But I was still worried and kept asking if they were really sure that it was gone as we walked out from the school and into a parking lot. They said yes until I felt a wind of mist and screamed that it was back. This time a group of us were rushed into a room with lots of windows. I knew this wasn’t right and after a while a man came in and told us there were other places to go, so we followed him until we found another room with no windows. As we crouched down the tornado started circling the school again. Then I woke up.


So weird. I hate my tornado dreams. Dream moods basically told me that I have chaos in my life, or an impending emotional breakdown in my near future. Awesome. But they all leave me feeling very anxious and I hate that I never know what ends up happening. Like do I die? Do I ever leave those rooms? What does it all really mean?

Oh well, I'm hoping that I don't have another one of those dreams again. Of course then again, I'm kind of curious as to how the next one would go.

How to forgive, forget and let go.

"It took me a while to realize that I could actually check this off my list, that he didn't matter anymore and that I was free."

How I did it: As weird as this sounds I had to stop trying to forgive him, I had to stop trying to forget about him and I just need to live my life and let the process take care of itself. And it did, one day I thought about him and how glad I was that things didn't end up working out. I thought about him and I was ready to forget about him altogether. I was indifferent about him. And that's what I wanted. It was unreal to think that the same guy I thought I might be able to marry someday became the guy I could be ok never seeing again. And now it doesn't matter and I can move on.

Lessons & tips: Don't worry about it. Just go out and have fun with your friends. Plan your future goals. Decide what you want to be when you grow up. Go be single. Or not. It doesn't matter just as long as he/she doesn't matter.

Resources: My friends.

It took me 3 months.

It made me relieved.

See more progress on: Forgive, forget and let go.

Photo + Yoga = Zen Liz.

So if any of you follow me on facebook, you might have noticed my latest status that said: "so. I've decided I'm gonna stick to photography as a major. AND I'm going to go to yoga school to become a yoga teacher. how does that sound?" 


So my journey to get to that point was less than exciting, it actually started off with me freaking out about the classes I was going to have to take for my then physical therapy major. That's something else that I think I would love to do eventually, however, looking at the science classes that are involved in that major, I was not very confident that that was something I could do well in. Don't get me wrong, I really like science, but the math that goes along with them, and the fact that I'm struggling in my prep to chemistry class... well that raises a red flag to me. 


That left me second guessing my choice in major (for, what is this? the tenth time now?) And frantically trying to figure out what to do. I went over to the NAU site (which is where I want to go eventually) looking through all of their majors, and only a few continued to stand out to me. The same few that always stand out to me: athletic training (physical therapy), music (music ed) and photography. Now, I was going with the physical therapy choice because it sounded like the smartest choice to make, as far as how much money I could make and job opportunities. The other two just weren't as stable. But considering I knew I wouldn't be happy with the athletic training I was definitely stuck.


Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out a schedule for myself at Pima for Spring 2011, based on the idea that I would take a bunch of classes that sounded interesting to me that could maybe eventually help me decide what I could major in. At one point I had a ballet class, a yoga class, a photography class, a meditation class, a journalism class and another fitness class. Ridiculous right? It probably would have been lots of fun but definitely would have gotten me nowhere. So I revised my schedule again... and again... and again....


And finally decided to go with photography. In the middle of trying to figure out a schedule that didn't sound like a blow off semester, I decided that I was going to just suck it up and major in photography. I would start with the associate of arts at Pima and somewhere down the road transfer to NAU. At NAU I would eventually find what I should concentrate my photography on, since NAU is career based with their photography and then I would go from there. Maybe I could do it. Maybe photography wouldn't be such a bad idea. And then I made my schedule for Spring 2011.


Online:
Writing 101
Math 142


Monday/Wednesday:
Art 100 10:30-12:45
Yoga 3:00-3:50

Tuesday/Thursday:
Art 110 9:30-11:45
Meditation 12:40-3:55


Friday:
Study Skills 10:00-12:05


It's still a fairly easy schedule, but it's getting things done.
And then I noticed something else. No matter what schedule I had conjured up, I always had yoga. I have learned to absolutely love yoga, and it's something that I want to be a huge part of my life always. It always makes me feel better, it makes me feel balanced and gives me confidence. I LOVE YOGA! So then I was thinking to myself, "I wonder what it would take to become a yoga teacher?" If I wanted to be an athletic trainer, then wouldn't yoga be similar in a way? And yoga is something that can definitely help people... now I want to be a yoga teacher!


So I think I'm going to do both. I'll have to wait a while for the yoga school, I definitely need to work on my own practice for a while longer so that I'm a little more bendy and know and understand more of the postures and poses. But that's definitely something I can be constantly working on, and especially if I can continue to take yoga classes at school and at the various yoga studios around town (anyone want to join me?) I can constantly learning about and perfecting my yoga, which in turn will help me when I want to go to yoga school. :)


Now that I seem to have my life planned out again, I'm excited for what lies ahead of me, but I definitely need to remember to keep focused on the present so that the future will be possible.


Off to clean. 24 days till Colorado.

The Dog Park

So I noticed today on my dashboard that I now have 8 followers. :) I'm not sure if all of you really follow my blog or not, but that definitely made my morning a bit brighter. And in reality I might even have more than that through my tumblr links that go through facebook.

Well I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you who actually follow my blog, I'm definitely blessed to have people interested in my life and what I have to say on here.

So I've definitely found a new place to go when I'm feeling stressed to unwind and relax when I need to.
The dog park.
I've been several times with my family, we take our dog Rolly, and he gets to run around and play and just be a dog. Last night I decided to take him to the park by myself for the first time. It was awesome to be able to just sit on the bench by myself and watch him have fun with the other dogs that were there. I almost wished that I had my camera to take good pictures of the dogs, but oh well, that will be for another day. I've talked about how I think I'd be perfectly content living by myself with just some dogs to keep me company (for a while at least I still think eventually I'd like some human companionship lol) and being able to go to the park alone and be completely content just sitting there watching the dogs play pretty much confirms that belief. And it was definitely stress relieving for me, since all I did was watch the dogs playing I didn't think about anything that had been bothering me lately and I just chilled out. I'm looking forward to this being an option of things to do to destress myself when I need it, and I'm sure Rolly is going to love it too.

Looking forward to it.

I hate the fact that my parents don't really believe in me to do anything above my usual action level. Like for instance when my mom said that if I cleaned parts of the house I could roadtrip to Colorado, she said that thinking she had the security of setting the level "high enough" that it would never happen. When she found out that I was actually going to work towards that goal, she basically laughed in my face. In about a month when I'm driving away from this dreaded place and off to a vacation she can't go on, maybe she'll second guess herself.
I also hate the fact that they don't think that I have any sense to think things through. No mom, I wasn't going to plan this big old first road trip alone without considering that it would cost me money and that I would have to  plan it around school and such. I made a plan of action considering absolutely all of that. I even consulted with my grandparents (which is ultimately how she found out, but whatever.) I am perfectly capable to work hard to earn reward. I really want to go on a long road trip without my family, I really need to get out of Arizona for a while to save my sanity and I really want to go up to Colorado. Why wouldn't I work my ass off to be able to do so?
Well my goal is in sight and the work to get there is not particularly awful, with enough motivation and drive, November 10 will roll around and I'll be kissing AZ goodbye for a while. I'm looking forward to it :)

Thoughts about you.

This is one of those confessions/truth things where you basically just vent out feelings or thoughts about people. I usually don't really like these but I definitely felt the need to do one to let out some thoughts. And since I haven't been writing many blogs lately (I'm very behind) I figured I might as well do one. Plus I'm killing time in between my classes :)


-If all you're going to do is complain through statuses, nothing's really going to change. You wonder why you seem to be losing friends and why no one seems to care. Well it's basically your own fault things are like that and I'm sorry it has to be that way since you're not willing to change. Stop worrying about other people and what they think of you. Go live your life and be happy.
-I wish you were more confident in yourself. You seem like such a happy person most of the time but then there are so many instances where you let yourself be pushed around and walked on. It's not good for you and I'm worried about how far someone will end up pushing you. You're an amazing and beautiful person and you need to start thinking that way.
-Sometimes I listen to country music in my car when nothing else is on so that when you play it in your car I'm already accustomed to it and it doesn't kill me. I do it just for you.
-You have become a monster, worse than your creator. I'm not sure what happened to you but I have no hope that the old person you used to be will ever come back. You've become a selfish, unreliable person and I'm not even sure I can call you my friend anymore. For your sake I hope that you continue to find people as fake as you are to be friends with. Otherwise you're going to end up alone.
-I am so glad that the world has people like you. I have no doubt that you will make great changes in this world and we all will do so much better when you do. I'm excited to see where you will go in life and how you will continue to grow and become even more amazing every day.
-I just don't think you're ready.
-You are a pompous ass who cares about nobody but himself. Seriously you need to get over yourself and stop putting people down.
-I've liked you for a while, and I probably will continue to like you until I find someone else. But you will never know and for some reason I think I'm ok with that. If it happens I'm trusting God to make it happen. I don't think I've ever been able to do that before. Maybe that's a good sign.
-I am continuously amazed at how our relationship works. I'm almost positive that nothing could ever cause it to end. And I am so very thankful for that.

BoysBoysBoys.

It's been a month since I've posted anything. I feel like such a slacker.

So I'm living one of those "I like you but you'll never know it / hardly know I exist" stories. They're the worst. Especially since I have such a fear of rejection (brought on from so many accounts of bringing forth my feeling towards someone just to get the "well I like you as a friend but..." talks. Not fun.) It's definitely a situation where I'm not expecting something to happen, but that doesn't change the fact that every time I see him, I get that feeling like my social skills and IQ have seriously dropped. (I'm one of those people who trips on their words and acts a bit mentally weird when I try to interact with someone I like. And then I also definitely do the self kicking afterwards lol.)

I wish I wasn't so socially weird sometimes. I definitely blame myself for my lack of successful relationships. I just hope I get married by the age of 24. That's only 5 more years. Oh dear.
I need someone to coach me on being attractive. That sounds so odd, but that's definitely the case. It might help if I didn't go to class in my workout clothes every day. Or didn't go basically everywhere in my workout clothes. I definitely need a bit of a wardrobe makeover.

I'm going to die an old, lonely dog lady.
Woot.

Friends.

A weird thing about friends. I'm finding as I get older that it becomes more and more hard to define what a freind is. Like suddenly as we grow older there's more to becoming friends then having the same favorite color or disney character. But at the same time, I don't think I would want it to be like that anymore. As you get older, the important things in your life change and therefore your day to day drama is no longer what are we going to play at recess, but rather needing to get a job and get through college.

Back to friends. I've gone through a huge transformation of who my friends are in the past few years. In high school, my group of friends were always band kids, we hung out in the band room, ate lunch at the band wall and played card games in the band hall. It was easy to tell who your friends were then, it was who you hung out with, had class with, ate lunch with. I'm not saying there wasn't plenty of drama then, because there definitely was, but it usually ended up resolved somehow and things would continue on.

Enter college. People go their separate ways. People start their own lives. And now comes the true test. Who do you continue being friends with? This is something I had a hard time with. The same group of people that I hung out with on a daily basis was no longer there for me. They had things to do, I had things to do and it was almost impossible to get together and hang out. My best friend and I were fortunate to have been able to get through her leaving for college with out me in one piece, me being in college almost made things easier for us. I was lucky enough to make new friends, the people in my dorm all. They became the people I hung out with, the people I went to class with and the people I ate with. I feel very blessed that I had them throughout that year.

But the other friends of mine, that I had been with all through high school never left my mind. (It was difficult for them too considering I had 60+ pictures of all of them on my wall.) I would see one or two of them every once in a while and hang out for a short time, but things were still definitely different. Some of my old friends I never saw at all. It was through all of this that I think I've begun to realize who my true friends are. It sounds so overdramatic to say that, but it really is true. The people who won't take the effort to hang out with me, or flake out on me or won't talk to me at all are definitely the people I'm not close to anymore. The people who do make an effort and I actually get to see quite often or talk to quite a bit are the people who I'm close to and consider to be my friends.

As much as I really wish I had some of my friends that I had during high school, I'm realizing that gaining new friends and keeping the friends that are more important is the most important thing to do.

Clubs and running.

Not being in band makes me feel the absolute urgent need to become part of a club. Any sort of club that might fit my interests, a photography club, a christian club, a music club, a blogging club, whatever. So you can imagine how absolutely ecstatic I am about the club fair I will be attending later today. I'm really hoping that it's not a blowout and that there are really some decent clubs to be had at my school. And I fully intend on signing up for something, unless there are absolute no clubs that would hold my interests whatsoever. I need to not sign up for any leadership positions for anything though. That would not be a good thing right now.

It's weird how lonely not being in an organization of some sort can make you. Don't get me wrong I have lovely friends outside of organizations that I do enjoy being around and spending time with. But I've found it's much harder to spend time with your friends when you don't have to be around them for some sort of meeting or practice or trip or something. I made most of my friends through band. We had to go to school and class and practices together and through all of that time we bonded and became great friends. Other friends I lived with. I'm not sure I really have friends that I've just met by chance somewhere, exchanged contact information and worked to make a friendship. Weird. It's good that I can at least keep some of the friends I've made through band or dorms even though I'm not in those environments anymore.



I planned on getting up semi early tomorrow and going for a run. It's 1 am right now, so I'm not really sure that's going to happen anymore. I need to start training with my running if I ever plan on getting any good at it. Right now I'm not good at it at all. Maybe that's why I keep putting it off. Meh. I really do hate running. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and makes my lungs feel like they're going to explode. It's not a very pleasant feeling for me. But I want to learn how to run well so that those things don't happen anymore when I run and then maybe I won't hate it so much anymore and then running just won't be a big deal for me anymore. Heck, maybe I'll enjoy it. Maybe I'll still get up just a little earlier so I can start. We'll see how that goes for me.

Maybe I need to join a running club.

Random catching up.

I should have gone to Pima first.

Seriously I think I'm going to love school this year. So far all of my professors have been great, all my classes seem at least a little fun (even my math class doesn't seem to be too bad and I HATE math.) I'm getting a ton of positive energy being there, which I never got really at the U of A. Maybe that was just me and how my personality works, but I definitely know that right now Pima is the right place for me. I feel like my goal of getting a 4.0 is actually possible. And I'm not just another number here. The professors actually care about why we're here and what we want out of our education at that school. It's pretty amazing.

I think I've decided that four dogs is a good number to have. I want four boxers when I've settled down and have a job (oh, you know maybe a husband, I don't know yet.) Surprisingly enough, they seem like enough company in general. But my poor puppy at home is all lonely while I'm dogsitting :( I think I'll take him to the dog park some day next week as a treat for this week being all lonesome.

The monsoon was procrastinating I think. Now it's rushing to get all of it's work done before it's too late. I love it :) I could live with having this type of weather all the time I think. If I wanted sun I could go to a beach somewhere and be content and then be able to leave the heat whenever... That's why I'm moving to Colorado the first chance I get. I think I've been in Tucson long enough. Bah. It's starting to rain a bit while I type this :)

Cymbals or vibes?

Let Love Not Weigh Me Down.

I hate the way this feels.
Here are some lyrics to try to explain.
Although they don't even start to explain.
Meh.

 

 

"Let love not weigh me down
Let the cursed air be clean
When you've lost faith in the human race
Let love not weigh me down

Let love not cause me pain
Let it all seem like a dream
And I won't regret what I can't forget
Let love not cause you pain

So let your beauty blind my vision
Let it move me 'til I die
And the seeds of despair won't be fruits that I bear
Let the beauty blind my vision

So shed all the tears that you want
Run from the places you haunt
If you think you're lost
Or just double-crossed
Don't try to make sense of it all
Let the music and words take you back
To the times when your heart wasn't cracked
We won't be suffering with drugs and bad medicine
We'll drink 'til the curtain calls

Let love not weigh me down
Let its weakness be my guide
And all this intensity makes perfect sense to me
Let love not weigh you down

So shed all the tears that you want
Run from the places you haunt
If you think you're lost
Or just double-crossed
Don't try to make sense of it all
Let the music and words take you back
To the times when your heart wasn't cracked
We won't be suffering with drugs and bad medicine
We'll drink 'til the curtain calls"

Be the change.

It seems as though I'm living in a day and age where nobody can be completely happy. It always seems like there are complaints about how things just aren't good enough, or everything is too overwhelming or something just has to go wrong. I've met some generally happy people and people who act as though they don't get bothered by anything but I have yet to know someone very well that is absolutely positively content in their life. And it's not our fault that things are like this. There are plenty of worldly factors that can keep us from feeling like everything is right. If our own lives have no problems, then the problems of the world work their way into our lives. What's worse is that we're expected to do something about them, even if our own lives are perfectly fine.

But what if we looked at things in a different light? What if instead of dealing with the problems we were simply making a change? What if every time something went wrong, instead of going over all the negative aspects over and over, we just simply made it positive? It sounds like a difficult idea but is it really? What do we do if we're sitting in an uncomfortable position? We don't whine about it, we simply change positions to make ourselves comfortable. Why couldn't we do this in our day to day lives?

Now, in reality to change some of our life's problems, it would take a little more time to fix them than changing a sitting position. But acting upon the process of fixing something that's wrong is better than doing nothing at all. If you really think about it, for all the problems that you may have in your life there is a positive way to change things. If you aren't happy with your job, work a little harder and try to find a new one. If you hate where you live, take the time to find somewhere else and move. If you don't like the state of Haiti from what you see on the news then make a donation or go on a missions trip. Doing those things are better than doing nothing at all right?

I've heard that it takes 30 days to create a habit. One month of doing something over and over and then it becomes second nature. You don't even think about it anymore it just happens for you. Well maybe we should all take the next month and form a habit. A habit of instead of going over all our problems in our heads day by day and remaining stressed and unhappy, we took those problems and changed something to make them go away. If you don't, then you just end up sitting and regretting choices, or being depressed about your life, or being overwhelmed and stressed. If you do then maybe you'll be happier. I think it sounds like it's worth it.

The only place I want to be right now.

Things I want to do in Disneyland/DCA:
-Take my good camera and spend a day exploring and taking amazing pictures of amazing things.
-Get proposed to. (That would make my life.)
-Have engagement pictures taken.
-Go there during Christmas time.
-Go there on my birthday.
-Take my kiddos there.
-Take my grandkiddos there.
-Go there with some of my best friends.

Things I want to do in Disneyworld:
-Just actually go again.

I am in love with Disneyland. That's the only place I want to be right now.

Disney Cruise :)

So I’ve been on one of these cruises once before, but It’s been almost ten years since… and I was only ten to begin with! So I really would like to go again, during a time when I could better remember such an amazing experience. Probably won’t happen for some time, but some of my friends and I would like to try to go after we graduate from college in a few years. So it’s definitely time to start saving!!

See more progress on: go on a Disney cruise

So close and yet so far.

You know what sucks the most about the point of life I'm in right now? Restrictions.

I'm at a point in life where I can see my future a bit more clearly and things are starting to pull together for me. I'm doing things that are directly going to affect what I can do with my life and I can almost touch my dreams. It's all right in front of me....

But there's a huge invisible force field of some sort all around it.

Living at home is part of the force field. By not being out on my own it's harder to do the things that I want to do when I want to do them. My parents are being very controlling and unneccessary most of the time even though they said they wouldn't. It's not only for the sake of my dreams that I need to get out of here ASAP, but also for the sake of my sanity. *sigh* if only I weren't broke.

Another issue, as mentioned slightly there, is money... mostly the lack of it. I'm not really getting any source of income at the moment, and it's definitely unfortunate. My first semester this year is going to be extremely busy anyways, without a job, so maybe by next semester I could possibly find a job.

And yet another obstacle standing in my way is the fact that I'm a "no good rotten teenager." You know, the type that isn't to be trusted and shouldn't be taking on responsibilities since they're unreliable? Ok well, actually I'm a little better than that and I can actually be a very trusted and reliable person. Too bad most adults don't see that.

So even though I'm ready to start my photography business and go further on in my life and live off by myself for myself and such... I can't. I'm stuck here like a little kid, and don't get me wrong I love being a little kid... but I know there's so much more out there for me to do. And I CAN do it.

But no one else thinks so.

Will you come back again?

If it was all a dream then we really never could tell.

We danced and laughed and I thought it was real.

My feelings and emotions sure were.

And as they now lie shattered on the floor,

These songs just remind me of you.

All I can see is my future.

But again there's something missing.

And I know what it is, something I thought I had found.

All there's left to do is move forward.

I close my eyes and just listen to the music.

You changed my mind about so many things.

I never changed my mind about you.

But you did, and now I live in doubt.

It was you the entire time, my heart is battered.

They sing me softly to sleep.

When the world makes no more sense,

I try to make even less.

But when the world shatters in front of me,

All I can do is watch.

My heart dances "but not for joy."

"Dreams never die 

when we sleep 

beneath the open sky 

in the deep 

shades overhead 

of blue and red 

is this the end 

will you come back again?"

New Years Resolutions... 6 months later.

So I found my list of new years resolutions today that I wrote at the beginning of 2010. It wasn't a very long list, but even so I was surprised to see that I had already accomplished all but one of them. It was a very rewarding find, I definitely felt pretty good about how much of what I had wanted to succeed in at the beginning of the year I had actually done. What was even better was that I had not posted this list anywhere or set up reminders about anything I had written. In all honesty I wrote the list the night of New Years Eve and then completely forgot about it after that. Even so, I accomplished some of the things that I thought I would more easily blow off, and have been working on them more regularly than I thought I could.

I am a member of a website called 43 Things. It's basically a website where you can list some of the goals you would like to accomplish and keep track of those things throughout time. You can set up reminders, have people hold you accountable, cheer other people on and even explain how you accomplished things to better help others attempting to work on the same goals. I really like this website because it helps that feeling of accomplishment when you are able to record things you have succeeded in and have other people see what you can do. I've added more to my list now that I've seen that I'm very capable of meeting my goals, and hopefully this year will be a very successful one!

I especially want to start working on some new goals now that my life has recently gone through some changes I wasn't really expecting. Things that I thought would work out in the long run didn't and I feel the need to break out and be a little more free with myself now. I'm excited to try some new things and really push myself to live life more.

What now?

A lot of things in my life seem to be caught in a huge tornado above my head right now. They're twisting and twirling and threaten to crash right in front of my face if I make the wrong decisions. Some of the things that are caught in the winds that make me worry the most are the ones that involve other people. Some of the decisions that I could make could end up in disaster. And it leaves me not being sure what to do at all.

I've made one big decision lately that is affecting every part of my life. As a result some of the things I've done in the past or been a part of in the past just aren't an option anymore. But I'm not sure how accepted this is going to be by other people. I know very vague, but the need to write something down is somewhat restricted by a greater need to keep my ideas quiet. It doesn't work very well.

It's enough to make me want to start over again. From the beginning and do things the way they should be done. But that's not an option, I have to remove the past and move on. But even though I have that figured out and I know I need to move forward... I have no idea how to.

The ring on my finger screams at me with urgency. It voices opinions so loud it's hard to hear my own thoughts sometimes. The opinions it voices are true. The opinions it voices are right. But the opinions it voices are not what they want to hear. It comforts me, it serves as a reminder of what I am and what is expected of me. But a stronger discomfort is present something else tugs at my mind. It's something I can't ignore no matter how much I would love to. I'm not sure what to do with it but something must be done. I know what's right, but in all other ways it seems so wrong. Do I wait? Do I act? Lord, please help me.

Exercise.

So I've been going to the gym a little bit, as well as taking yoga classes, swimming and working out on my own lately. I'm amazed at what it has done for me, even in the small amount of time I've been really exercising more than usual. It's motivated me to eat healthier and to be happier and it keeps me working because I really want to see how much I can transform and improve. My ultimate goal is to be really fit for marching season. I want to be able to do amazing things and be impressive to people, rather than being the weak small one like I normally am. I already feel a little stronger, maybe not physically so much but willfully and mentally most definitely. I'm ready to keep working towards my goal and possibly be able to amaze some of the people who thought they'd seen me at my best (which was a sad sight, unfortunately.)

I'm really excited to be strong and healthy it's been a very long time since I've been like that, if at all. I've never really been the athletic type and because of that I've never really been able to do as much physically as most people can. I've wanted to change that for a while but never really thought that it was my kind of lifestyle to be athletic. I'm realizing that that's not really my choice to make if I want to be in good shape. Besides, marching band is as good as any sport, so why shouldn't I keep myself in shape for that? Why shouldn't I work myself out harder?

We'll see how everything goes I guess, but so far so good it seems :) Look out world.

Make every day worth it.

It's so frustrating that often times it's so impossibly difficult to find the motivation to do anything... yet when I actually get up and do something, I feel absolutely amazing.

I have trouble getting out of bed most of the time. Most mornings I just want to keep sleeping all day. I really could most days, I feel so tired all the time. But in the back of my head I know that when I give in to that urge to stay in bed, I feel awful for doing so later on. You'd think that knowing this would be enough to get up and live life. And I have the desire to go and live a full life, be productive, get things done... or even just go out and DO SOMETHING. So where's the motivation when I need it? What's the trick?

I'm hoping that I can continue forcing myself out of bed enough times that I'll get the hang of it, or find that motivation to keep going and keep moving forward in life. I know it's in me to do it and I know that I could achieve so much if I set my mind to it.

I'm slowly figuring out what I need to do to become a happier person. I know that living a fuller life is one of the things that would absolutely kick start that process for me. I have a few things in mind for that and I hope everything works out.

My goal for the next week is to make every day worth it. If I can keep myself in motion everyday from Sunday to Sunday (which means getting up earlier, working, playing, leaving the house every day, seeing new people everyday, working myself mind, body and spirit) then I will have met my goal. My reward hopefully will be the amazing feeling of living life. Wish me luck.

I wish.

I wish I was kinder.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was more flexible.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I was more motivated.
I wish I was more confident.
I wish I was less selfish.
I wish I could run.
I wish I could compose.
I wish I could write a novel.
I wish I could take amazing pictures.
I wish I could play the piano.
I wish I could teach.
I wish I could be beautiful.
I wish I would be friendlier.
I wish I would try harder.
I wish I would travel.
I wish I would be the person I want to be.
I wish I would live life.
I wish I would stop wishing.

Books - Discovering an Old Love

Ever since I was really little I have had an absolute love for books and reading. My mom has told me that there were times even before I could really read that I would shut myself in my room and surround myself with the small books I had and entertain myself for hours. When I could read I did often and there was a phase in my life when I would take a book with me whenever I got taken on boring errands and I would carry it around and read it while my parents did their errands. I used to keep books in the car too and read whenever we drove anywhere. I went through several chapter books a week in middle school sometimes. Even now when I don't have as much time as I used to to read, I love it.

I'm grateful for the time I'm finding so far in the summer. I've actually gone through and finished a few books, and it's been like old times, where I find myself unable to stop reading. I'm excited that I've been able to discover an old love and busy myself in a way.

I think part of the reason I love reading books is that for a while it takes me out of my own world and puts me in another, it takes away all my worries and thoughts and replaces them with the worries and thoughts of the characters. It's the perfect vacation sometimes especially when you can't really get away like you'd like to. I had forgotten how wonderful it really is to be able to pick a book and not really have to stress about anything for a while. Hopefully over the summer I can escape quite often and finish a few more books I've been hoping to get through.

I write blogs.

I like writing my blogs. I don't really know if I'm good at it or not, I'm not sure how you define what good blog writing is, but I don't really think that matters most of the time. But sometimes I wonder why I write my blogs. I'm not even sure if anybody reads them anymore. I started writing them years and years ago when I first got my MySpace account (which now sits in the dark empty space of the interwebs collecting dust since I don't use it anymore...) and I've kept writing ever since. It's kind of sad, but I miss the days of my MySpace blogs because I know more people read them... but then again it's good sometimes that I don't have all of my "friends" reading what I have to say.

I guess the real reason I write a blog or two from time to time is sort of just to outlet my feelings about things that are clouding my mind up. I think if I didn't write things out from time to time, I would just sit in my room and just stare into space and think... (oh wait, I already do that... well I guess I'd do it more often or infinitely...) So even if no one reads what I type out every now and then, it doesn't matter cuz the thing that has been keeping my blogs coming has been just myself.

To those of you who have kept reading... thank you, I really appreciate it :) You must think I'm pretty crazy but at least you find what I have to say worth reading.

I've got gadgets and gizmos a plenty.

I cannot believe how much STUFF I have accumulated throughout my life.

I've been going through my room getting rid of everything that I can because when I came home from the college dorms, I found that my room looked like something out of the show "Hoarding" or whatever it's called. I'm more of a pack rat than I thought I guess. It's absolutely ridiculous.

The good news is I've been able to get rid of a ton of stuff. I've managed to detach myself enough from some of the random crap I have stuffed away to where I won't miss it anymore. I have a very unhealthy tendency to get sentimentally attached to things, like I've mentioned before, and as a result of this I tend to feel guilty about throwing things away, or even just getting rid of them by donating or selling them. It's really weird but I have clothes that I wore in in the 3rd grade (that still fit how pathetic lol) that I can't get rid of because I feel like they have too much of a story behind them. Slowly but surely I seem to be getting over this feeling of being emotionally attached to random things.

But looking around my room right now I see that I still have a ways to go. Maybe it's just because not everything is organized quite yet and is scattered around my room waiting to find their places, but it still seems like I have way too much stuff. I know I have way to much stuff still. Even though I've managed to basically cut the amount of things I possess in half, I know I have more things than the average person my age probably has in their room. They're all small things, little random trinkets and things that I collect, but it's still pretty bad to me that it's all here.

However, I must say that after purging my room hugely the past few weeks, I feel a significant and definite weight lifted off of me. I was suffocating a bit, I didn't have a room of my own, it just felt like storage. I couldn't live in my room easily, and I'm absolutely tired of having to do the weird stepping over random stuff thing trying to get through my room. I'm ready to be done and organized. Soon.

Summer to do.

I'm making a to-do list for summer. I've gone through a week of nothing so far, and it's not like I haven't gotten anything done, but definitely not as much as I'd hoped. If anyone wants to help me stay on track, let me know :)

-Get my room cleaned out and organized. I have way too much stuff, and I hate that, I always have, but I've never been able to get rid of it all. Slowly but surely I've been getting rid of stuff, but it's not really enough. This time I really just need to clean out anything I can and although mentally that's going to be hard (I get way too sentimentally attached to things) in the long run it's going to make me feel so much better about everything. As for the organizing, I think that having less stuff to worry about will help my case so much. But especially with all the school I want to be doing and with everything that I want to accomplish over the summer and throughout the year, I really need to get all my shit together.

-Start eating right. I am so bad about this. I love junk food way too much and I love to bake, when I get stressed out about something, I go straight for a Dr. Pepper. So giving up junk food is going to be extremely tough for me, since that's basically what I resort to all the time. But I really need to stop eating so badly, it's really effecting my body, my mood, everything. I'm always so sluggish, my skin is getting pretty bad right now, I'm still managing to get sick all the time. If I wanna get fit and healthy I definitely need to start eating so that I can do so. My body definitely needs that. (This includes the goal of drinking more water. That will absolutely help me with everything.)

-Start working out. Weights, running, yoga/stretching, biking, swimming. It's all game this summer. I want to get super fit, especially for marching season. I've never been good with running, I want to be able to run a good amount without dying like I usually do, I want my stamina to be a lot better. I love swimming and I don't nearly do it as much as I'd like to, so I wanna swim laps as much as possible. I'm starting a yoga class soon, that should be fun, but even when I don't have that class, I want to start stretching every morning/night to regain some of the flexibility that I've lost. Weights obviously should help with my stamina in marching, I want to be stronger so I can play better and survive through visuals. Biking is in the hopes of getting my thighs to look good. That's probably the part of my body that I'm second most self conscience about so I want to fix that.

-Take summer classes at pima and start catching up. I don't know if I'm too late for this one, but even if I am, I want to do some sort of online teaching or something to help me with upcoming courses maybe buy some books for italian or math to start me getting prepared for classes I'll be taking in the fall. Hopefully I can get into summer classes and start getting my credits up. I want to not only catch up to where I should be, but also maybe surpass that and get ahead. If I can do that, maybe I can reach my goal of graduating a little earlier or maybe getting my two majors in, within a shorter amount of time. Either way, Pima here I come!

-Take more pictures. I don't just want to do photoshoots for this one. I have several photoshoots that I still want to get done, or finish, but really what I want to try to do more is just take my camera with me everywhere and shoot what I see. Hopefully with more traveling this summer I'll be able to take pictures of plenty of different places and people. I want to try to make a website with my pictures, or at least add some to my photobucket and facebook page.

-Find a church and start going. This is one that I've been working on, but haven't really had the courage to get to the next step. I've found a couple churches that I would like to check out but I haven't been brave enough to actually get to going. Hopefully that can change within summer.

So with that and some smaller goals that I should probably work on, I really hope that I can get plenty done this summer. I really want to accomplish some of my goals and help myself become a genuinely better person all around. We'll see what happens. Keep me on it!

5 am.

This is the third night in a row that I've been awake until 5 am. All three times I've been awake mostly because of the pain that I'm feeling in my side, partly by other things that have been haunting my mind throughout the night. The pain in my side is supposedly going to go away soon, but might come back every month. Something to look forward to huh. The thoughts will come and go as they please apparently, I don't seem to have much control over them at the moment. That's ok with me for the most part.

Tonight it's a mixture of how lucky I am right now and how grateful to God I am right now. I may have some serious medical issues going on right now and they may continue to haunt me for most of my life or even create complications later on but I didn't have to go into surgery today. And it wasn't something deadly. And the pain won't be there forever. Plus, they figured out what the problem was this time on the first try. Last time it took 3 ER trips before they finally got it right.

It gets light out at about this time. Sometimes I wish it didn't get light out until about 10. I know that sounds weird but since I sleep until 10 most of the time it just seems like that's really when the morning should start. Especially during the summer because the sun causes my room to get really hot before I'm ready to get out of bed and escape downstairs where it's cooler. Although this summer I guess I'll be waking up earlier than I normally do during the summer... at least that's what I'm planning on.

Tonight one of the topics on my mind is God. I bought a purity ring the other day. I intend on serving it's purpose for a while at least. I think I'm making some better steps towards him this time and I hope that keeping with it will continue to improve my life. So far, so good.

Right about now my body is finally reminding me that sleep is really neccessary to life and since life is getting a little more hectic for me now sleep would be rather important. Tomorrow I cut my hair. Another subliminal step towards renewing myself. It's the small things that count sometimes. I have some second chances to take up on as well. And an essay to revise. And packing to catch up on. And ice cream to look forward to.

Oh, and I hope you like my new layout. I thought it was more fitting.

Goodnight....er... morning.

Just the way I want to be.

I'm the kind of girl who would rather have espn on the TV in the background than MTV or VH1. I'm the kind of girl who would rather stay in and hang out *sober* than go out and party and drink. I'm the kind of girl who would rather wear gym shorts and a baggy t-shirt with slippers than dress up cute in fashionable clothes. I'm the kind of girl who would rather watch a funny movie that makes almost no sense than watch a chick flick or romance. I'm the kind of girl who would rather wear no makeup at all than make sure that every flaw is covered. I'm the kind of girl who would rather keep her nails clean and chewed short than always painted perfect. I'd rather get a natural tan by playing outside and swimming than fake bake or just sit pointlessly by the pool. I would rather let my hair frizz and wave naturally with no special products or even just pull it in a pony tail than cover it in product, blow dry it, straighten it or curl it to get it perfect. I would rather have an athletic, muscular build than the perfect model body.

Some girls would read this and think "she's hopeless". They might think that I'd never have any fun or that I must look horrible, or have no personality, maybe that I have no good friends, and no hope of a boyfriend. They're dead wrong. I'd never change the way I am, especially not to fit their standards. I have a wonderful life with wonderful people. I have plenty of fun. I'm not fake, I'm not plastic, I'm not a carbon copy of everyone else. And that's just the way I want to be.