Unimportant.

I wrote a while back about purpose and how horrible it feels to not know what your purpose might be or if you have one. That ties into what I'm feeling right now... in fact in some twisted sense it's pretty much exactly what I'm feeling right now. A feeling of not being important.

But not just in general. Most of the time I don't care if I'm important to a great majority of the population, I just go with the flow and tend to blend in anyways. But there's a few people where it's the complete opposite. I want to be important to them... and I'm not entirely sure if that's ok or not.

The past few weeks there have been a couple of those people who it matters with, that I just feel like I don't seem important anymore. I've been replaced, overlooked, I don't matter anymore. I've been brushed aside and unknowingly lost and it's just no big deal. So what do I do? How do I handle it? Am I wrong to feel completely horrible for this?

I've just been praying that I'm mistaken. That this really isn't the case, I'm just crazy and it will blow over. But it's not like I can ask for some sort of proof from these people to show that I'm still important to them. It just doesn't work that way.

Look at the big picture.

It's amazing how if you don't look at the big picture, you don't realize how much work you're actually achieving. For the past few weeks, I've been frantically working out, trying to gain muscle before my auditions (which are tomorrow O.O). So far I just wasn't seeing much result and I was feeling as if all my work really wasn't helping. I just wasn't feeling ready at all. How disappointing that weeks of work had resulted in nothing? What was the point?

But then a friend mentioned that I was getting some muscle. He hadn't seen me in a while, and so I guess rather than myself seemingly seeing no huge difference from seeing myself everyday, he saw what was a few weeks of weight work. I looked at myself a little closer that night... and yes it did seem as though I had gained a bit of muscle. Ok, so maybe the working out wasn't completely futile...

Another night as I was trying to get something out of a cabinet at a friends house, I swung myself up onto the counter so that I could reach higher. As soon as I had done so, another friend commented a little surprised: "Did you just swing yourself up there with your left hand?" I had, and rather effortlessly so. I hadn't really noticed how easily I had just popped right up and the fact that I did it with my non dominant hand, an act that with my coordination would normally end me on the floor, was a bit satisfying.

Now that I look at the big picture, I was getting a lot more work done than I had thought. Day by day of course it didn't seem so, I was only really looking at a day's worth of work and that most definitely did not seem like enough to help me throw around cymbals. But looking back at a few weeks worth of work, even though it still doesn't seem like much to me, it's still a lot better and more settling.

Breakdown.

I figured out something last night that pretty much slapped me in the face as hard as it possibly could and then left me crumpled on the floor bruised, battered and bewildered. It's not often that I'm in a situation when so many negative feelings are engulfing me at once that I cant even stand up. So much so that I feel sick to my stomach, head, and toes. So much so that I don't have any control over what I do. Although, there were other factors in the night that might have contributed to those particular factors.

It hasn't been that easy to put on the mask I've been sporting the past few months, although I was sure I was getting better with it. Why I was putting on a mask was because of a few things; I had friends with problems I found more important and wanted to help, not hurt them... my unecessary feelings of guilt that drive me away from venting about things most nights... and the fact that I was growing in confidence and didn't want that to seemingly falter. Maybe the most influential reason was the existence of the few secrets that were creeping upon me that I just wanted to keep under wraps.

My state last night was... all over the place. I thought it might be but I didn't know that it would cause me to let down my internal guard and let everything hit me all at once. The mask just completely melted off in a blink of an eye and I was just lost. And the worst part of it all was being unable to stop it all from happening. I just wanted my emotions to go away, I haven't hurt that much in a long long time.

I should have somehow seen this as an opportunity to get rid of all of it, but I was more worried about being a burden and a bother, I just wanted to get out ... and then hide. The small amount that I was able to vent seemed to be too much at the time but now I wish I could have said more. Not knowing how to explain how it all feels is part of the issue... but I still wish I could say something, anything to try and explain why I was in hysterics. Its obvious that I can't keep it in much longer.