It’s Just Inconvenient.

There was this tweet today, (I know awful way to start a blog, but it’s the way this starts either way) and it caught my eye quicker than I think any tweet has ever done so before.

“The awkward moment when you get a crush on the most inconvenient person ever.”

I didn’t even have to do a double take, process it, nothing. It hit me like a slap in the face, it was the first thing that’s made sense in a while. Inconvenience. It’s not that it’s the wrong person altogether, it’s that at this point in time, it’s inconvenient. I’m sure that the person that wrote that totally meant it in a different way than I’ve taken it, but the light it’s shown on my situation has been priceless.

I’m not saying that time will make that fact that I like this person better, or that one day they’ll feel the same. But I don’t think that beating myself over liking someone that might not fit into the equation now is something I should be practicing often. Yeah, it still sucks, but it’s not my fault.

Weird blog post. Not my best. Just thoughts. K bye.

Writing my story.

I'm attempting to write another book. It seems like every time I try to write a story, it gets all jumbled up, I get lost in my own thoughts and then give up. So this time, I've decided to write one based on something that is occurring right now in my own life. I feel like I can use it as an outlet to the feelings that are building up inside me know that I'll never really get to express otherwise. It's a complicated thing, but if it's successful, it will be well worth it.

I think that's one of the hardest things to deal with, having such prominent feelings about something, but having no way to, or being unable to let them out. Knowing that it would be far to dangerous to do so, and desperately trying to suppress them instead. It's definitely not the way things should be, but in this situation, there really is no other way to handle it.

I'm guessing that only a few people will actually read my story if I ever get it finished, and I doubt that it will be any good otherwise. If the writing talent fairy blesses me with this "book" and it's beyond amazing, somehow lands on the shelves... you'll never know that it's mine.

I'll leave it at that.

It's not about you anymore.

I'm never gonna be happy until I actually realize that my life is not meant to be lived trying to make other people happy. I'm never going to actually live until I'm working for myself. Until I am being selfish, I will never be who I need to be to survive.

I always thought people who only really thought about making things better for themselves were absolute jerks. I'm not saying that we should never spend any time at all trying to make things better for people in need if we can, but it's not rational to go on constantly, never being selfish once in a while. Because if you don't make things right for yourself, then how can you help other people? Yeah, you can't.

That's been my mistake. I want to be the hero when I'm the one that needs to be saved. I want to be the solution when I can't solve my own problems. Maybe I run to other people's issues to avoid my own, but that's not gonna cut it anymore.

So I'm gonna work a little harder to make things great in my life, and spend a lot less time trying to help others. Because I can't really do a good job of helping if I'm a trainwreck... and I'm pretty close to being that.

Not That Summer?

So I've been thinking lately that maybe this isn't "that" summer for me. I mean, I want it to be so bad and if it is I'll gladly claim how wrong I was, but at the moment... all signs point to no.

Maybe I should explain what "that" summer is. Its the summer I've been waiting for since I was 14. The summer you see in the movies where you start to define yourself and you really discover what you were put on this earth to do. I really felt like at age 20 this would be a good year for that summer. Plus with how positive I've been feeling and finally figuring out what I might be doing with my life... I was pretty sure that was a magical combination.

But these past few days I've been struggling to keep the fire going. I have this huge list of things I want to do and none of them are happening. It's my fault but I'm also having a hard time fixing it. My insecurities are coming back and I'm just at a loss of what to do. Again.

Maybe I'm just exhausted, and maybe I'm pushing myself too hard when really what I need is a bit of a break. But at this point in time I just really need a push in the right direction and I really hope that I find that real quick. I only have like 90 days of summer left.

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Dear you.

Dear You,

I know what it's like to be afraid of relationships. Maybe that's not it. But although there are a million reasons why you could be, you shouldn't be. Not because "it'll work out" but more because it's worth it either way.

I've been through a good share of heartbreak and pain. I've been through enough awkward moments to last me a while. I've got regrets that make me feel sick. But that's not what I remember the most about my relationships. I remember things like what it's like to hold their hand for the first time and being able to laugh and be myself without fear and feeling like it doesn't matter if there's a tomorrow because the moment I'm in is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And that's what matters.

And it's weird because I'm afraid of perfection. I always seem to search for the flaws in people to give me a reason to back away, to give me an excuse to prevent a relationship. And I can't find that type of flaw with you. That scares me. And every time I talk to you I'm more and more attracted to you. It surprised me at first. But now it's just a fact.

I'm taking my own advise and just leaping without thinking trying everything I've never tried before and putting my heart on my sleeve. All because I feel like you're different. Doesn't make much sense but I figure it really isn't supposed to after all. Just like I'm writing this at midnight on a day before a final because I can't stop thinking about this anyways. I don't know what else to do.

And maybe, this isn't meant to be. If it's not it won't. Personally, I'd rather try it out and see what happens. But it's not all for me to decide. I guess I really wish I knew how you felt...

But I really like you. I appreciate your personality. I think it's really great how you keep to your faith. I love that you have such a passion for your drumming. I think it's absolutely cute how "nerdy" you are sometimes. It's awesome that you have your own opinions. It's perfect that you notice certain things about me. Plus I really like your eyes. Just sayin.

If I were brave I would actually send this to you. If I were really brave I would SAY this at all to you.

I guess only time will tell...

Love, Me.

And btw I'm a hippie.

Little by little, I'm doing what I've said I'd do for so long and I'm piecing my life back together. Not that it was like shattered in a million pieces, but it was falling apart just enough to start sucking a bit. Anywho, little things like I'm exercising regularly and eating healthier and attempting to figure out what I'm doing with my life and actually getting somewhere with it... things like that are making my life seem like it's finding a track that it could stay with for a while.

I like feeling productive, and I like feeling healthy. Which I guess is good since that's a good way to get through life. But there are usually so many things that get in my way that prevent me from those feelings. Laziness. Indecision. And all of the things and people that are in my life that really aren't meant to be. I definitely plan on doing some spring cleaning over summer. That includes parts of my past that really seem to be holding me down. For example, my frosh year in college wasn't the best academically and ended with a relationship that all in all was very bad for me. But instead of letting that hold me down, I'll concentrate that it left me with a great experience in the POA and that I met two of my great friends while living in the dorms. I've moved on from the relationship and my health is much better.

Another thing that I need to clear out of my life is all my attempts to be someone I'm not. It takes up too much energy and time to try to be what others think you should be or what you wish you were when you're not. I'm going to set out all my priorities and beliefs and go from there. And then I'm going to live out my life accordingly, and let the pieces fall in place. Maybe I'm not a dancer but I'm definitely athletic and I could definitely work on my flexibility and balance. I'm a bit girlier than most people think. I think I'm also stronger than people think. And I might be a bit crazier. And btw I'm a hippie.

Maybe being 20 isn't so bad. I'm definitely ready to start being the person I'm meant to be and I'm finally kicking my own butt to get it in gear. I'm living in the anticipation of the feeling of reward after I've worked extremely hard in various aspects of my life and I'm more than willing to do that work. I'm excited to do that work. And I think that's a huge difference than what I was feeling before. Wanting the results but not wanting to do the work to get there. It doesn't work that way. As I can tell from years of failure.

But it's behind me now and I'm moving forward with an actual speed and although I can see obstacles in my way I don't think I'll be crying in any corners any time soon. I'm going to be beautiful and successful and strong. And then maybe I'll write a book. But I'll cross that bridge once I get there.

He'll be.

I wrote this a couple months ago and planned on copying it to this blog but never got around to it. Considering recent events, reading it over is kind of amusing.

"He'll be quiet. Not like a silent being, but in his nature. He'll be peaceful, but never boring. I'll constantly be getting lost in his eyes, a brilliant blue or green. He'll be a gentle soul, but still will be able to stand his ground when needed. He'll make me laugh and love to cuddle. He won't care that I'm such a nerd, he might even love that about me, or be just as much of a geek. He'll respect my beliefs and morals, better yet have close to the same ones. He'll take care of me, even when I insist I'm independent, or just fine. He'll have a good taste in music. He'll know me better than I know myself. He'll love dogs. He'll love my flaws especially when I'm feeling under-confident. He'll hold my hand every chance I get."

In the clouds.

So earlier tonight, I stopped to think for a second, and really wondered when the last time was when I was as happy as I am right now. I couldn't really remember. I could not for the life of me think of any time before where a simple text message would make me absolutely giddy and simple things made me want to sing out loud. I could not think of another time where I was 100% alright with every single thing I was doing in my life. Where I didn't feel guilt for certain things, frustrated about others, etc.

And I say all of this in absolute honesty. I've said before that I'm a worrier. But right now, even though I could think of a few things that are going wrong at this point in time, I don't feel overwhelmed.

I can't help but wonder, what makes this time so much different? As many times as this has happened to me before, why am I absolutely in the clouds? I can't concentrate on anything, songs put me in a dream, I don't get bothered by anything anymore.

And nothing has really happened yet.

"I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes."

Silly.

A while back in my life if someone had an idea opposite of mine about something, I would instantly question my own siding and maybe even think my way to paranoia eventually changing my mind.

I didn't even consider changing my mind today even with all of the questionable looks I got.
I'm actually really hoping to prove them wrong.

I'm surprising myself.
He's surprising me too. Every day.

Announcement: New Blog

So I decided to create a new blog, called 365 days of Liz. It's one that I've attempted to do in the past, but this time I simplified it a lot.

I'll be posting daily, and I'll have a picture of myself (to see how I change throughout time) a description of important events during the day (to have something to look back on in the future) and other pictures that I might of taken of those events (for fun).

I'm not sure if it's something that will really interest my normal readers, but I'm announcing it anyways just in case.

Here's the link: http://365daysofliz.blogspot.com/

Three of the most important reasons.

Erika- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. We’ve been through hell and back, and that's putting it lightly. We don’t see each other nearly as often as we should but I don’t think our friendship has dwindled one bit even with our very different lives. We always mention to each other how very few real friends we have right now, but it means more than the world to me that I can put you at the very top of that short list no matter who the others are every single time. It seems like every time we have our differences we end up stronger than before. I can’t believe it’s almost been 6 years. I’ve never had a best friend for 6 years before. One of these days we’ll have to thank Mrs. leingang for making me move on that bus that started it all.

Anne- you never cease to surprise me, and throughout the past 5 or so months nothing has surprised me more than how you constantly teach me things about myself through your effortless observations. I tend to doubt myself more often than not and every time you notice that you give me ways to look positively at myself that I had never known before. We have more in common than most people realize, and its always fun to see how people react when they do realize our quirky similarities. I only we could have learned about this much sooner. I want thank you for giving me reason to really believe in myself, instead of telling me that there are parts of me that are good, you point them out and smack me in the face with them. If I can be half as great as you make me sound to myself I’d be set for life.

Tyler- I consider you to be one of my best friends, I have for quite some time, and I’m not sure if I’ve done a good job of showing that. You have no idea how glad I am that we were bus buddies throughout this season, since I’ve missed you for over a year. I mentioned at one point that you "know me too well" you can always seem to read my emotions, you read me like an open book. It’s a good thing. You’re one of the only people I’ve never been afraid to show my true self to or tell my secrets to. You’ve helped me through a significant number of tough times and I can always count on you to never judge me. We definitely hang out more often, you never fail to put me in an absolutely great mood, no matter what kind of day I’m having. I feel extremely blessed to have you as a friend.

The first letters in each of your names in the order you’re in spells EAT. So every time I feel like skipping a meal because I don’t think I’m good enough, I’ll remember three of the most important reasons why I’m wrong.

Up with People - My new goal.

Up with People. "Through international travel, community service and performing arts, Up with People offers its students an unparalleled global education and a unique passageway to experience the world."

I've been talking to my mom about wanting to do something meaningful, something that would be life-changing. I've wanted to be a part of something important, somewhere I could make life long friends.  I'm tired of sitting around at home and doing absolutely nothing for this world when I care so much about it. So after some research, we found this group. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with the idea of it. 


And I definitely want to do it. 


My goal: Summer of 2013. 

I think to me, it was never about the competition.

That's part of the reason it makes me so mad that it's so important to everyone else.

When it's enough for us to say that we just went out and had fun with it, and that we enjoyed ourselves and thought we did amazing and not doubt ourselves when others try to tell us otherwise... I think that makes us better. We might be a young group but we're definitely more mature than a lot of people give us credit for. And we're smart. The kids in this line come up with so many solutions if things are going wrong, and some clever visuals to help tell a story.

And I don't care what the judges say, our show makes sense, we tell a good story. Just because it's not a "concept" show doesn't mean it doesn't put a  point across. Besides, there is a concept in our story if you really cared enough to pay attention.

Plus, just because we don't care about the competition doesn't mean that we don't try. We do what we do because we love it, why would we only give half of our efforts toward it? I think because we have fun with it, because we love hearing that we have more fans because of the way we are, because our instructors say we can, we end up giving more to it than most groups. And by more, I mean not just the skill, not just the focus, not just the technical stuff. We have a passion, we've got humor, and more importantly, we have each other.

Yesterday was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for us. Our first show was the best show we had ever had. To hear that the judges didn't agree was tough. But we bounced back at an amazing rate, and didn't lose an ounce of motivation. We improved on a lot of things in a little amount of time, and then saw some improvement in our scores. I hope that proved to some people that we don't get beat down and discouraged too easy. I feel more accomplished about the fact that we moved up two points, even staying on the bottom.

We have two more competitions and a home show left. Honestly, I don't care if we medal at championships, I'm looking forward more to the home show than the championships anyways. 

First steps: complain and worry less.

I know I worry too much.

I think it's based on a few things. I've seen what can happen to people who don't care enough... things start falling apart for them and they lose grasp of what their life was, they end up having no real control. I've also seen what happens to people who have other people worry for them. They get trapped in a bubble, isolated from the rest of the world and don't get to live their own lives.

I've been too caught up in trying to make my life perfect lately. After losing a small amount of control last semester, I needed to regain my authority in my life and I ended up making things worse. At the same time, I was able to get parts of my life back into gear, instead of letting them spiral out of my sight. Almost a win-lose situation.

And I know I complain too much.

It just sort of comes out without me thinking and I always regret it. I always feel bad about it and wish that I didn't as much as I do. It's annoying. It's connected to my worrying about everything.

Maybe I need more yoga.

But seriously, I need a way to chill out and stop being so tense over every little thing. I would love to have a carefree attitude instead of being the bitch. I'm looking up ways to stop worrying and one of the things that has popped up is to stop trying to save the world. I think I need to figure out the difference between saving the world and making a difference.

This week my goal is to complain less. Even if I've got issues internally, maybe if I cease to express every little discomfort and argument I have, it will help me to quiet the complaints inside me as well.

Steps.

Step 1- Drink only water. No soda, no milk, no juice. (I'm making an exception for tea because it's basically flavored water, and doesn't usually have that many calories, only good added stuff.)

Step 2- Eat 5-6 small "meals" a day. Healthy foods. No candy or chips or fast food stuff. Lots of fruits and vegetables and nuts.

Step 3- Fiber. Helps keep weight in check, helps keep energy up, helps you feel good. Just a positive thing.

Step 4- Weight train. Multitasking for me because not only is it good for getting a good weight but it'll help me get strong for band stuff.

Step 5- Cardio. And lots of it. Every day.

Step 6- Keep it all in a journal. That way if it doesn't work I can figure out what to change.

WIWINWIA

It's been a while. I am terribly sorry that I have been slacking in my duties as a writer and a blogger. When I started out this year, 2011, I, like everyone else, had very high hopes and the unrealistic plans to start fresh and do absolutely better this year than I had last year. However I didn't even get past January until I completely broke down and felt like a failure. But it wasn't because of new mistakes, rather, it was because I couldn't escape the old ones. They've been doing a splendid job of haunting me and making sure I don't forget that all the bad I have done will forever effect me down the road.

My mind keeps telling me that this is a silly thing to even consider. To not be able to move on from my past mistakes? If it was impossible, wouldn't many more people have just given up by now? Even more, wouldn't everybody be void of success? No, I think it's just a matter of finding out how to leave those past mistakes behind and then trekking to another place far away where those mistakes will never be able to find me again.

And I think I've started to create the perfect plan: Operation Who I Was Is Not Who I Am or WIWINWIA. (Say it out loud.... it's hard to do.) I have mapped out a path for success for myself, how to graduate from my current college and then move on to a University with a degree already in progress. The plan that I have discovered will have me on the road to Flagstaff in just about two years. That's not bad. I'll have a year and a half most likely, at NAU before I'll be done with the program I'm looking at right now. That means that I'll only be about a semester behind theoretically, and that's a semester I may be able to make up.

I'm really optimistic about this plan I've made for a few reasons.
#1. It's really easy. Even though I'm graduating from my community college pretty early and really getting ahead, it's not going to require me to max out my credits and be going to school constantly. I'm already halfway there really and doing well.
#2. Right now I'm kicking school's butt. I'm discovering that going to class every day really makes a difference. (duh.) The only reason school was "hard" for me in the past was because I was super sick and therefore getting way behind and missing important things. By the end of this week I will have not missed a day for three weeks. Booyah.
#3. It makes me feel important. I'm going to be really freaking proud to say I have my associates from Pima when December of 2012 rolls around. I've pictured going to Colorado for Christmas and talking to my family about it and how proud they'll be too. It's a good picture.
#4. It means I'm getting somewhere. I've been at a stand still for so long that I've really been afraid that I'm stuck. But I'm not, I've got a plan that's moving me forward and it's in the process right now. I'm moving along now.

Spill.

I think that I'm two different people living in one single body at times.

I'm hardworking and lazy.
I'm driven and unmotivated.
I'm hopeful and helpless.
I'm graceful and clumsy.
I'm trustworthy and disloyal.
I'm social and an introvert.

For example, lately I've been thinking to myself how much a new clean slate would be. How nice it would be to start somewhere new where no one really knows me and to start over completely. I've been fed up with a lot of people, and at the same time I know a lot of people are fed up with me. I think, if only I could disappear off the face of the earth to some, and appear out of nowhere to others maybe I could pull myself together.
And the thing is, I totally can do that in a few years if I go to NAU.
But then my other self is afraid of going off so far away from everything I know. I don't want to be the new person because I'm afraid I'm no good at making friends. And I'm not sure if I want to disappear off the face of the earth, because I know people won't really care if I stay or if I go.

It's like there's a positive self at war with a negative self, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Perhaps I need psychological help.

Currently, the negative self is in the lead. And the positive self in me hates that (well doesn't hate because it's a positive self, but it's very frustrated nonetheless.) And I feel like I just need to embrace one of those cheezy sayings about the light within me overcoming the dark or something of the sort, but I think I need more help than that.

I need more help.

As much as I'd love to say that I'm invincible, I'm really not I guess. And it KILLS me to admit that out loud because I do my very best to not show my mental weaknesses. It's my absolute dream to be one of those girls people see and say "She's a fighter." In some aspects of myself yeah, I guess I am, but not enough to make that real difference.

Want to know a secret? I have real self esteem issues. I'm sure there are people who can tell, yeah.
I hate the way my body looks.
I always feel awkward.
I hate the way my voice sounds.
I get so embarrassed when I trip over my words.
I hate my nose.
I can't talk to most boys without feeling like a complete loser.
I CONSTANTLY THINK PEOPLE ARE JUDGING MY EVERY MOVE.

It's a daily battle. It's a selfish one, I know that. But it still makes me want to curl up in bed some days and never get out. Honestly, it might be why I'm sick all the time.

I'm debating whether or not to post this right now. I know it makes me look pathetic, but at the same time I know not many people will read it. Maybe there's just part of me that hopes that someone will read this and be that key to the help I need.