What now?

A lot of things in my life seem to be caught in a huge tornado above my head right now. They're twisting and twirling and threaten to crash right in front of my face if I make the wrong decisions. Some of the things that are caught in the winds that make me worry the most are the ones that involve other people. Some of the decisions that I could make could end up in disaster. And it leaves me not being sure what to do at all.

I've made one big decision lately that is affecting every part of my life. As a result some of the things I've done in the past or been a part of in the past just aren't an option anymore. But I'm not sure how accepted this is going to be by other people. I know very vague, but the need to write something down is somewhat restricted by a greater need to keep my ideas quiet. It doesn't work very well.

It's enough to make me want to start over again. From the beginning and do things the way they should be done. But that's not an option, I have to remove the past and move on. But even though I have that figured out and I know I need to move forward... I have no idea how to.

The ring on my finger screams at me with urgency. It voices opinions so loud it's hard to hear my own thoughts sometimes. The opinions it voices are true. The opinions it voices are right. But the opinions it voices are not what they want to hear. It comforts me, it serves as a reminder of what I am and what is expected of me. But a stronger discomfort is present something else tugs at my mind. It's something I can't ignore no matter how much I would love to. I'm not sure what to do with it but something must be done. I know what's right, but in all other ways it seems so wrong. Do I wait? Do I act? Lord, please help me.

Exercise.

So I've been going to the gym a little bit, as well as taking yoga classes, swimming and working out on my own lately. I'm amazed at what it has done for me, even in the small amount of time I've been really exercising more than usual. It's motivated me to eat healthier and to be happier and it keeps me working because I really want to see how much I can transform and improve. My ultimate goal is to be really fit for marching season. I want to be able to do amazing things and be impressive to people, rather than being the weak small one like I normally am. I already feel a little stronger, maybe not physically so much but willfully and mentally most definitely. I'm ready to keep working towards my goal and possibly be able to amaze some of the people who thought they'd seen me at my best (which was a sad sight, unfortunately.)

I'm really excited to be strong and healthy it's been a very long time since I've been like that, if at all. I've never really been the athletic type and because of that I've never really been able to do as much physically as most people can. I've wanted to change that for a while but never really thought that it was my kind of lifestyle to be athletic. I'm realizing that that's not really my choice to make if I want to be in good shape. Besides, marching band is as good as any sport, so why shouldn't I keep myself in shape for that? Why shouldn't I work myself out harder?

We'll see how everything goes I guess, but so far so good it seems :) Look out world.

Make every day worth it.

It's so frustrating that often times it's so impossibly difficult to find the motivation to do anything... yet when I actually get up and do something, I feel absolutely amazing.

I have trouble getting out of bed most of the time. Most mornings I just want to keep sleeping all day. I really could most days, I feel so tired all the time. But in the back of my head I know that when I give in to that urge to stay in bed, I feel awful for doing so later on. You'd think that knowing this would be enough to get up and live life. And I have the desire to go and live a full life, be productive, get things done... or even just go out and DO SOMETHING. So where's the motivation when I need it? What's the trick?

I'm hoping that I can continue forcing myself out of bed enough times that I'll get the hang of it, or find that motivation to keep going and keep moving forward in life. I know it's in me to do it and I know that I could achieve so much if I set my mind to it.

I'm slowly figuring out what I need to do to become a happier person. I know that living a fuller life is one of the things that would absolutely kick start that process for me. I have a few things in mind for that and I hope everything works out.

My goal for the next week is to make every day worth it. If I can keep myself in motion everyday from Sunday to Sunday (which means getting up earlier, working, playing, leaving the house every day, seeing new people everyday, working myself mind, body and spirit) then I will have met my goal. My reward hopefully will be the amazing feeling of living life. Wish me luck.

I wish.

I wish I was kinder.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was more flexible.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I was more motivated.
I wish I was more confident.
I wish I was less selfish.
I wish I could run.
I wish I could compose.
I wish I could write a novel.
I wish I could take amazing pictures.
I wish I could play the piano.
I wish I could teach.
I wish I could be beautiful.
I wish I would be friendlier.
I wish I would try harder.
I wish I would travel.
I wish I would be the person I want to be.
I wish I would live life.
I wish I would stop wishing.

Books - Discovering an Old Love

Ever since I was really little I have had an absolute love for books and reading. My mom has told me that there were times even before I could really read that I would shut myself in my room and surround myself with the small books I had and entertain myself for hours. When I could read I did often and there was a phase in my life when I would take a book with me whenever I got taken on boring errands and I would carry it around and read it while my parents did their errands. I used to keep books in the car too and read whenever we drove anywhere. I went through several chapter books a week in middle school sometimes. Even now when I don't have as much time as I used to to read, I love it.

I'm grateful for the time I'm finding so far in the summer. I've actually gone through and finished a few books, and it's been like old times, where I find myself unable to stop reading. I'm excited that I've been able to discover an old love and busy myself in a way.

I think part of the reason I love reading books is that for a while it takes me out of my own world and puts me in another, it takes away all my worries and thoughts and replaces them with the worries and thoughts of the characters. It's the perfect vacation sometimes especially when you can't really get away like you'd like to. I had forgotten how wonderful it really is to be able to pick a book and not really have to stress about anything for a while. Hopefully over the summer I can escape quite often and finish a few more books I've been hoping to get through.

I write blogs.

I like writing my blogs. I don't really know if I'm good at it or not, I'm not sure how you define what good blog writing is, but I don't really think that matters most of the time. But sometimes I wonder why I write my blogs. I'm not even sure if anybody reads them anymore. I started writing them years and years ago when I first got my MySpace account (which now sits in the dark empty space of the interwebs collecting dust since I don't use it anymore...) and I've kept writing ever since. It's kind of sad, but I miss the days of my MySpace blogs because I know more people read them... but then again it's good sometimes that I don't have all of my "friends" reading what I have to say.

I guess the real reason I write a blog or two from time to time is sort of just to outlet my feelings about things that are clouding my mind up. I think if I didn't write things out from time to time, I would just sit in my room and just stare into space and think... (oh wait, I already do that... well I guess I'd do it more often or infinitely...) So even if no one reads what I type out every now and then, it doesn't matter cuz the thing that has been keeping my blogs coming has been just myself.

To those of you who have kept reading... thank you, I really appreciate it :) You must think I'm pretty crazy but at least you find what I have to say worth reading.