I keep starting blogs, I have about five unfinished ones just sitting in the folder. I'm not sure why I've been having such a hard time getting myself to finish all of them and it's been almost two months since I've actually posted anything. I think part of it is because I've been sort of living my life in an autopilot mode for a while. I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I thought I had everything pretty much figured out for the next couple months, or at least the next couple weeks, but a few things have happened since then that have put a halt on all of that. Everything has just kind of fallen apart in front of me.
I don't like not being able to fix things myself. I like to make things better, especially if I'm the one who initially messed them up. But that hasn't been the case lately. I've had one screw up after another and I haven't been able to do much to fix those things. I've watched helplessly as things have shattered in front of me, floated so far away that I can't possibly grasp them and felt myself become more and more unmotivated to even try. I'm not sure what to do anymore to help this even. In my mind I really want to buckle down and work until everything is right again, but every time I go to do so all of my energy drains and I wonder why it's even worth it anymore.
I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel like such a failure on so many levels. In school, in my music and photography, in relationships. Everything. And I feel like asking for help would be the worst thing to do at this point, that it's up to me to clean up my mess. But I'm afraid that I'm in too deep and the few people that I would ask for help at a time like this seem to be the people who are the farthest away. I've got myself stuck in a rut that I'm too weak to get out of.
I have too many "I'm sorry"s on the tip of my tongue ready for everyone that has seen me sink deeper and deeper into a spot that just isn't like me. I know that I'm not usually so unmotivated, that I'm usually not so easy to give up, not like this, not to this extreme. I don't know how I could have let myself fail so bad at everything I do. I hate myself for it. I truly truly do. I'd say that I'll just keep trying to make things better, but I haven't even begun to make any progress on that empty promise. The few things that used to push me to keep on keeping on have vanished and now I'm all alone. I understand this and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if there's any hope left in me at all.
