It's hard to justify why I even cared. There was no solid foundation to base things on, there wasn't any type of real relationship for me to grasp on. Just a lot of hope. False hope. So why do I care as much as I do now? I guess that bit of hope had more fire to it then I realized. I really thought something was going to evolve.
Did I really think that anything good was going to come from all of it? I think part of me did expect for things to work out the way I wanted them to for a change. It might have been too good to be true if it had worked out that way... it really would have been too good to be true.
Thinking back, not that there can really be much to look back on, I think my eyes were masked. I was stupid enough to think that I might really have been cared for. I mean, that's what was said wasn't it? Because that must make it true. I was too blind to see it any way.
I've been used a few times before, why would this time be any different? Am I really so desperate that I would almost throw myself at any guy that stated they might like me? No I guess not, although it seems like I really would have done a lot of things for him, mostly because he said that I was pretty.
If it's clear for me to see that now, how come it's still so hard for me to accept that it's all over? I even ended it... How come I don't want it to be over? How can that be possible?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I Can Walk On Water, I Can Fly.
"I will never be afraid again, I will keep on fighting till the end. I can walk on water, I can fly. I will keep on fighting till I die..."
There have been a few instances in my life recently that have made me rethink some of my opinions... more like a lot of opinions... that I have about various things in my life. (How vague is that stated... sheesh.) Bottom line is I guess is that my outlook on some important things (or maybe not so important anymore, depends I guess) have changed to the point that I may be making a few semi-drastic changes. Should be fun.
I've always wondered why I was kind of afraid of being bold, being loud and proud. I'm afraid to go talk to people, I'm afraid of social gatherings at times. I'm not sure if it's right to call myself shy, maybe just reserved... but I have reason to believe that this is going to change. And I'm excited :)
Sucks that my bit of an epiphany is occurring right around new years, it makes it seem so fake. I swear that's not it, I haven't been watching enough tv or witnessing enough ads urging people to bring out the "new you!" Actually I think the trip that I took with the band recently is the reason this is all coming to me now. I had someone trying to convince me to break out of my shell a bit. Although I didn't shed the shell completely, I did make some significant cracks... and ended up having some of the best fun I've had in a very long time. I think it's about to do some serious damage to this shell of mine and make sure is obliterated ASAP.
I've needed some sort of an uplifter in my life for a long time. This should do the trick.
There have been a few instances in my life recently that have made me rethink some of my opinions... more like a lot of opinions... that I have about various things in my life. (How vague is that stated... sheesh.) Bottom line is I guess is that my outlook on some important things (or maybe not so important anymore, depends I guess) have changed to the point that I may be making a few semi-drastic changes. Should be fun.
I've always wondered why I was kind of afraid of being bold, being loud and proud. I'm afraid to go talk to people, I'm afraid of social gatherings at times. I'm not sure if it's right to call myself shy, maybe just reserved... but I have reason to believe that this is going to change. And I'm excited :)
Sucks that my bit of an epiphany is occurring right around new years, it makes it seem so fake. I swear that's not it, I haven't been watching enough tv or witnessing enough ads urging people to bring out the "new you!" Actually I think the trip that I took with the band recently is the reason this is all coming to me now. I had someone trying to convince me to break out of my shell a bit. Although I didn't shed the shell completely, I did make some significant cracks... and ended up having some of the best fun I've had in a very long time. I think it's about to do some serious damage to this shell of mine and make sure is obliterated ASAP.
I've needed some sort of an uplifter in my life for a long time. This should do the trick.
All I Ever Wanted.
"All I ever wanted was to see you smiling. All I ever wanted was to make you mine. I know that I love you oh baby why don't you see, that all I ever wanted was you and me?"
It's so easy for me to let my feelings for you get me carried away. And I'm starting to realize that it may be more dangerous than usual for me to be thinking about you all the time. And I do, you run through my head every second of every day (are you tired yet? I know I am.) "every day...every night...you're on my mind...i can't deny. i close my eyes, to think of you my love...you made me feel the light..." I want you to be mine so bad, but I have enough common sense to know that it's just not my luck to have that happen. You may say that I mean something, but you give me false hope... I know you don't mean to.
"You're my angel, you're the only sunshine in my life. It feels like heaven when you take me in your arms."
You have made me feel things that I have never felt before, held me closer than anyone has ever held me... but it's never been more possible that it all means absolutely nothing. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. Part of me is so upset. I always get so close to getting someone, and then something goes wrong. Another part of me isn't so surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened... might not be the last.
"I'm so alone here on my own, and I'm waiting for you to come. I want to be a part of you, think of all the things we could do. And everyday you're in my head, I want to have you in my bed. You are the world, you win my eyes, for you're all I want in my life."
So last night I said goodbye. That's all I said. I'm pretty certain you didn't understand why I was saying it... but you will. I'm not going to be the first to text anymore, I'm not going to be the one to keep it all going. It's up to you now. We'll see what happens.
It's so easy for me to let my feelings for you get me carried away. And I'm starting to realize that it may be more dangerous than usual for me to be thinking about you all the time. And I do, you run through my head every second of every day (are you tired yet? I know I am.) "every day...every night...you're on my mind...i can't deny. i close my eyes, to think of you my love...you made me feel the light..." I want you to be mine so bad, but I have enough common sense to know that it's just not my luck to have that happen. You may say that I mean something, but you give me false hope... I know you don't mean to.
"You're my angel, you're the only sunshine in my life. It feels like heaven when you take me in your arms."
You have made me feel things that I have never felt before, held me closer than anyone has ever held me... but it's never been more possible that it all means absolutely nothing. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. Part of me is so upset. I always get so close to getting someone, and then something goes wrong. Another part of me isn't so surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened... might not be the last.
"I'm so alone here on my own, and I'm waiting for you to come. I want to be a part of you, think of all the things we could do. And everyday you're in my head, I want to have you in my bed. You are the world, you win my eyes, for you're all I want in my life."
So last night I said goodbye. That's all I said. I'm pretty certain you didn't understand why I was saying it... but you will. I'm not going to be the first to text anymore, I'm not going to be the one to keep it all going. It's up to you now. We'll see what happens.
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