I think that I'm two different people living in one single body at times.
I'm hardworking and lazy.
I'm driven and unmotivated.
I'm hopeful and helpless.
I'm graceful and clumsy.
I'm trustworthy and disloyal.
I'm social and an introvert.
For example, lately I've been thinking to myself how much a new clean slate would be. How nice it would be to start somewhere new where no one really knows me and to start over completely. I've been fed up with a lot of people, and at the same time I know a lot of people are fed up with me. I think, if only I could disappear off the face of the earth to some, and appear out of nowhere to others maybe I could pull myself together.
And the thing is, I totally can do that in a few years if I go to NAU.
But then my other self is afraid of going off so far away from everything I know. I don't want to be the new person because I'm afraid I'm no good at making friends. And I'm not sure if I want to disappear off the face of the earth, because I know people won't really care if I stay or if I go.
It's like there's a positive self at war with a negative self, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Perhaps I need psychological help.
Currently, the negative self is in the lead. And the positive self in me hates that (well doesn't hate because it's a positive self, but it's very frustrated nonetheless.) And I feel like I just need to embrace one of those cheezy sayings about the light within me overcoming the dark or something of the sort, but I think I need more help than that.
I need more help.
As much as I'd love to say that I'm invincible, I'm really not I guess. And it KILLS me to admit that out loud because I do my very best to not show my mental weaknesses. It's my absolute dream to be one of those girls people see and say "She's a fighter." In some aspects of myself yeah, I guess I am, but not enough to make that real difference.
Want to know a secret? I have real self esteem issues. I'm sure there are people who can tell, yeah.
I hate the way my body looks.
I always feel awkward.
I hate the way my voice sounds.
I get so embarrassed when I trip over my words.
I hate my nose.
I can't talk to most boys without feeling like a complete loser.
I CONSTANTLY THINK PEOPLE ARE JUDGING MY EVERY MOVE.
It's a daily battle. It's a selfish one, I know that. But it still makes me want to curl up in bed some days and never get out. Honestly, it might be why I'm sick all the time.
I'm debating whether or not to post this right now. I know it makes me look pathetic, but at the same time I know not many people will read it. Maybe there's just part of me that hopes that someone will read this and be that key to the help I need.
