This is the third night in a row that I've been awake until 5 am. All three times I've been awake mostly because of the pain that I'm feeling in my side, partly by other things that have been haunting my mind throughout the night. The pain in my side is supposedly going to go away soon, but might come back every month. Something to look forward to huh. The thoughts will come and go as they please apparently, I don't seem to have much control over them at the moment. That's ok with me for the most part.
Tonight it's a mixture of how lucky I am right now and how grateful to God I am right now. I may have some serious medical issues going on right now and they may continue to haunt me for most of my life or even create complications later on but I didn't have to go into surgery today. And it wasn't something deadly. And the pain won't be there forever. Plus, they figured out what the problem was this time on the first try. Last time it took 3 ER trips before they finally got it right.
It gets light out at about this time. Sometimes I wish it didn't get light out until about 10. I know that sounds weird but since I sleep until 10 most of the time it just seems like that's really when the morning should start. Especially during the summer because the sun causes my room to get really hot before I'm ready to get out of bed and escape downstairs where it's cooler. Although this summer I guess I'll be waking up earlier than I normally do during the summer... at least that's what I'm planning on.
Tonight one of the topics on my mind is God. I bought a purity ring the other day. I intend on serving it's purpose for a while at least. I think I'm making some better steps towards him this time and I hope that keeping with it will continue to improve my life. So far, so good.
Right about now my body is finally reminding me that sleep is really neccessary to life and since life is getting a little more hectic for me now sleep would be rather important. Tomorrow I cut my hair. Another subliminal step towards renewing myself. It's the small things that count sometimes. I have some second chances to take up on as well. And an essay to revise. And packing to catch up on. And ice cream to look forward to.
Oh, and I hope you like my new layout. I thought it was more fitting.
Goodnight....er... morning.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Just the way I want to be.
I'm the kind of girl who would rather have espn on the TV in the background than MTV or VH1. I'm the kind of girl who would rather stay in and hang out *sober* than go out and party and drink. I'm the kind of girl who would rather wear gym shorts and a baggy t-shirt with slippers than dress up cute in fashionable clothes. I'm the kind of girl who would rather watch a funny movie that makes almost no sense than watch a chick flick or romance. I'm the kind of girl who would rather wear no makeup at all than make sure that every flaw is covered. I'm the kind of girl who would rather keep her nails clean and chewed short than always painted perfect. I'd rather get a natural tan by playing outside and swimming than fake bake or just sit pointlessly by the pool. I would rather let my hair frizz and wave naturally with no special products or even just pull it in a pony tail than cover it in product, blow dry it, straighten it or curl it to get it perfect. I would rather have an athletic, muscular build than the perfect model body.
Some girls would read this and think "she's hopeless". They might think that I'd never have any fun or that I must look horrible, or have no personality, maybe that I have no good friends, and no hope of a boyfriend. They're dead wrong. I'd never change the way I am, especially not to fit their standards. I have a wonderful life with wonderful people. I have plenty of fun. I'm not fake, I'm not plastic, I'm not a carbon copy of everyone else. And that's just the way I want to be.
Some girls would read this and think "she's hopeless". They might think that I'd never have any fun or that I must look horrible, or have no personality, maybe that I have no good friends, and no hope of a boyfriend. They're dead wrong. I'd never change the way I am, especially not to fit their standards. I have a wonderful life with wonderful people. I have plenty of fun. I'm not fake, I'm not plastic, I'm not a carbon copy of everyone else. And that's just the way I want to be.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Nightmares?
There usually aren't images, just a shower of emotions and feelings. Feelings of hopelessness or fear, feeling like there's no more happiness or that I've lost everything I've loved. Sometimes there are specific people that I feel like I've lost or certain things that I know are wrong, but I can never see anything. Sometimes I feel pain, physical pain. Or suffocations, like for some reason I can't breathe, sometimes I can feel something covering me and crushing me and no matter what I do I can't thrash enough to get it off.
Apparently this dream causes me to flinch and twitch a lot in my sleep, sometimes almost fall off my bed, I'm pretty sure I would have completely fallen off and about killed myself if Jimbo hadn't been there to keep me on a few times. I'm not sure what causes me to have these night mares, but I have them almost every single night. There really isn't anything in my life to make me feel the way that these dreams make me feel.
Hopefully they go away soon.
Apparently this dream causes me to flinch and twitch a lot in my sleep, sometimes almost fall off my bed, I'm pretty sure I would have completely fallen off and about killed myself if Jimbo hadn't been there to keep me on a few times. I'm not sure what causes me to have these night mares, but I have them almost every single night. There really isn't anything in my life to make me feel the way that these dreams make me feel.
Hopefully they go away soon.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
You know how when you were little, and someone asked you that question... the possible answers could be infinite? You wanted to be a fireman or a doctor or a princess or a buss driver or an astronaut or a teacher or the president or anything you could think up at the time? I remember some of my past answers to that question, when I was younger I wanted to be a vet and a teacher and a artist and a ballerina... the list goes on.
It's a little harder now that I'm almost done growing up. I'm going to school to be able to become what I wanted to be when I grew up... I'm almost to the grown up part. And I still can't decide what exactly it is that I want to be when I grow up. My immidiate thoughts recently have been photographer and music teacher. Those are the things that have given me the most logical interest I guess. I love taking pictures and that's something that everyone's always going to need. There are so many memories to be captured, always and I'm always seeing the millions of ways to capture them for people. Music teacher is something that's grown on me a bit. I considered this one mostly after the end of marching season my senior year. I realized that I had done a significant amount of the teaching and leading and teaching work for the band, and upon further thought I realized that I had actually done quite a bit of the administrative work as well... and I had loved every bit of it. I remember the impact some of my music teachers had on me as I was a growing musician and I would love to have that type of impact on new growing musicians to come.
Something new that I've been considering after a realization that I have a special place in my heart and mind for soundtrack instrumental music is music performance. I realized one day that I would love to be part of the orchestras that played and recorded the music that would be played in the movies. I love to play my instruments and I'm always so moved by the beautiful music that is created, I would love to be a part of that too. I would have to choose between the flute and percussion, but I think I would be happy either way.
Away from school, I've realized that there are some things that I participated in when I was little that I let go of after moving when I was 11 that I really regret not continuing in. I really wish that I could pick these things back up, and maybe I could if I found the time, maybe take some side classes and relearn what I might have forgotten, and even further my skills.
Ballet and dance was something that was a huge part of my life before we moved. I was in at least four different classes at any given time and performed in several recitals and shows. I remember that I loved it. It wasn't like most sports that I tried where I dreaded going to practice or where I didn't like doing the routines. I actually really liked it and wanted to do it for a very long time. Ballet after I moved just didn't seem the same and I quit. Just like that. I want to try to take some classes, hopefully they have some that college students can participate in. Dust of the cobwebs, regain my flexibility and maybe even become a ballerina dancer on the side.
Tennis was something that I was supposed to continue with for a very long time. My lessons teacher once told my mom that I could go pro one day. I apparently didn't have any problem picking up the skills and putting my practice into play. I didn't mind tennis, as far as sports go, I was pretty challenged in most of them. Not tennis. It was the one sport I was good at.
Drawing was something I still don't understand how I picked up. My sister has always been able to draw so much better than I have and she does it with such ease... and no lessons. I took so many lessons when I was younger, shading and sketching and coloring and painting and etc on and on. It was because I liked it... and I think I thought I was good at it. Maybe at some point I realized that I wasn't really cut out to be that type of artist. But I still like to doodle, and sometimes I wish i could draw a little better even if it's just a sketch or too on the side of my notes.
Maybe someday in my future I will successfully be everything I wanted to be when I grew up. That's my ultimate goal. It may take me a while but in the long run it would be so completely worth it to be able to say that everything that I really seriously ever envisioned myself becoming, I had really been able to achieve.
You know how when you were little, and someone asked you that question... the possible answers could be infinite? You wanted to be a fireman or a doctor or a princess or a buss driver or an astronaut or a teacher or the president or anything you could think up at the time? I remember some of my past answers to that question, when I was younger I wanted to be a vet and a teacher and a artist and a ballerina... the list goes on.
It's a little harder now that I'm almost done growing up. I'm going to school to be able to become what I wanted to be when I grew up... I'm almost to the grown up part. And I still can't decide what exactly it is that I want to be when I grow up. My immidiate thoughts recently have been photographer and music teacher. Those are the things that have given me the most logical interest I guess. I love taking pictures and that's something that everyone's always going to need. There are so many memories to be captured, always and I'm always seeing the millions of ways to capture them for people. Music teacher is something that's grown on me a bit. I considered this one mostly after the end of marching season my senior year. I realized that I had done a significant amount of the teaching and leading and teaching work for the band, and upon further thought I realized that I had actually done quite a bit of the administrative work as well... and I had loved every bit of it. I remember the impact some of my music teachers had on me as I was a growing musician and I would love to have that type of impact on new growing musicians to come.
Something new that I've been considering after a realization that I have a special place in my heart and mind for soundtrack instrumental music is music performance. I realized one day that I would love to be part of the orchestras that played and recorded the music that would be played in the movies. I love to play my instruments and I'm always so moved by the beautiful music that is created, I would love to be a part of that too. I would have to choose between the flute and percussion, but I think I would be happy either way.
Away from school, I've realized that there are some things that I participated in when I was little that I let go of after moving when I was 11 that I really regret not continuing in. I really wish that I could pick these things back up, and maybe I could if I found the time, maybe take some side classes and relearn what I might have forgotten, and even further my skills.
Ballet and dance was something that was a huge part of my life before we moved. I was in at least four different classes at any given time and performed in several recitals and shows. I remember that I loved it. It wasn't like most sports that I tried where I dreaded going to practice or where I didn't like doing the routines. I actually really liked it and wanted to do it for a very long time. Ballet after I moved just didn't seem the same and I quit. Just like that. I want to try to take some classes, hopefully they have some that college students can participate in. Dust of the cobwebs, regain my flexibility and maybe even become a ballerina dancer on the side.
Tennis was something that I was supposed to continue with for a very long time. My lessons teacher once told my mom that I could go pro one day. I apparently didn't have any problem picking up the skills and putting my practice into play. I didn't mind tennis, as far as sports go, I was pretty challenged in most of them. Not tennis. It was the one sport I was good at.
Drawing was something I still don't understand how I picked up. My sister has always been able to draw so much better than I have and she does it with such ease... and no lessons. I took so many lessons when I was younger, shading and sketching and coloring and painting and etc on and on. It was because I liked it... and I think I thought I was good at it. Maybe at some point I realized that I wasn't really cut out to be that type of artist. But I still like to doodle, and sometimes I wish i could draw a little better even if it's just a sketch or too on the side of my notes.
Maybe someday in my future I will successfully be everything I wanted to be when I grew up. That's my ultimate goal. It may take me a while but in the long run it would be so completely worth it to be able to say that everything that I really seriously ever envisioned myself becoming, I had really been able to achieve.
Two months.
Two months. That's officially the length of my longest relationship I've ever been in. That's the longest I've ever really had to call someone my own and to consider myself to be someone else's. And it's definitely not like anything that I was expecting.
The relationships that I've been in in the past haven't been that great of relationships, I'll admit that. Considering something, anything had already gone wrong, there was always something negative enough in the relationship after a month to end it or cause problems, I'm sure that I wasn't choosing the people that were in my best compatibility range, even if at the time I didn't realize it, or wouldn't have liked to admit that. I'm so used to having those types of problems, the feeling of hesitation, that feeling of being really unsure of what was going on, of not knowing what I was feeling... I never was really sure that I liked most of the people that I got involved in, or I put too much thought into it or even had created false feelings. Not the best relationship experiences.
No one can imagine the amazement that I feel now.
I have no doubt in my mind what my feelings for him are. I have no hesitation. I'm not unsure of what I'm doing, I have no indecision at all for him at all. I have found someone that I never doubt someone that I'm absolutely sure of. And it's one of the best kinds of bliss. I look forward to seeing him every single day, no matter what my other emotions about other things are at the time I'm always so extremely happy to see him when I get the chance. My heart skips a beat every time I see him for the first time after a while or if I hear his voice from out in the hall. Even though I'm the one who usually has to initiate our separation every night, it always makes me sad to see him leave. His eyes make me melt, never failing. I love him so much it makes me want to cry with happiness sometimes.
I don't think I've really ever known what it means to be loved like this before. I've definitely had people tell me that they've loved me before. But rarely has it ever been true. And never like this. He says it over and over and I know that each time he genuinely means it. The way he looks at me, and dares to stare straight into my eyes, the way he plays with my hair or touches my face, it all just radiates love.
I don't know if this is too much to be saying after two months. Honestly, in high school, it was so unheard of to be telling someone you loved them after this long, it was always so fake and meaningless. But this is anything but fake or meaningless to me. There's so much that I've thought about or feel that I could write that might be seen as too much to think right now or even consider at this point... I won't write it all. Not yet. We'll see how everything plays out for a while.
But the point I guess I'm really trying to make with all this love sick jibber jabber is that I'm really truly absolutely happy right now. And it's mostly because of him. I've never felt this the way I'm feeling it right now and I wouldn't change it for the world.
The relationships that I've been in in the past haven't been that great of relationships, I'll admit that. Considering something, anything had already gone wrong, there was always something negative enough in the relationship after a month to end it or cause problems, I'm sure that I wasn't choosing the people that were in my best compatibility range, even if at the time I didn't realize it, or wouldn't have liked to admit that. I'm so used to having those types of problems, the feeling of hesitation, that feeling of being really unsure of what was going on, of not knowing what I was feeling... I never was really sure that I liked most of the people that I got involved in, or I put too much thought into it or even had created false feelings. Not the best relationship experiences.
No one can imagine the amazement that I feel now.
I have no doubt in my mind what my feelings for him are. I have no hesitation. I'm not unsure of what I'm doing, I have no indecision at all for him at all. I have found someone that I never doubt someone that I'm absolutely sure of. And it's one of the best kinds of bliss. I look forward to seeing him every single day, no matter what my other emotions about other things are at the time I'm always so extremely happy to see him when I get the chance. My heart skips a beat every time I see him for the first time after a while or if I hear his voice from out in the hall. Even though I'm the one who usually has to initiate our separation every night, it always makes me sad to see him leave. His eyes make me melt, never failing. I love him so much it makes me want to cry with happiness sometimes.
I don't think I've really ever known what it means to be loved like this before. I've definitely had people tell me that they've loved me before. But rarely has it ever been true. And never like this. He says it over and over and I know that each time he genuinely means it. The way he looks at me, and dares to stare straight into my eyes, the way he plays with my hair or touches my face, it all just radiates love.
I don't know if this is too much to be saying after two months. Honestly, in high school, it was so unheard of to be telling someone you loved them after this long, it was always so fake and meaningless. But this is anything but fake or meaningless to me. There's so much that I've thought about or feel that I could write that might be seen as too much to think right now or even consider at this point... I won't write it all. Not yet. We'll see how everything plays out for a while.
But the point I guess I'm really trying to make with all this love sick jibber jabber is that I'm really truly absolutely happy right now. And it's mostly because of him. I've never felt this the way I'm feeling it right now and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Next year.
Ok so maybe I got everything pretty screwed up lately. Maybe I've been slacking off too much and I've been wasting my time and this year has really gotten me absolutely nowhere. But in retrospect I guess there has to be a mirror image somewhere... and that's why I'm looking forward so much to next year.
- I'll have my own room. this means that I won't have to deal with a room mate, I won't have to deal with her music, or her extremely bad singing while I'm trying to study and concentrate, I won't have to worry about her keeping me up late when I want to sleep or keeping her up when I want to stay up. I'll have my space and I can do whatever I want with it, be as messy and clean as I want and not have to take out her trash or trip over her shoes. I'll be able to get organized, get rid of stuff and get my room figured out over the summer. Oh and my bed will be at a height where I don't have to use a step stool to get in.
-I'll be living at home. This seems like a bad thing but I'm going to try to make it not be negative. For one, I'll have someone cooking real food in the comfort of home and not have to walk all the way to the union in back to sit and eat. I'll have more places to study or do whatever without random people I don't know walking in and giving me weird looks like I'm not allowed to be there. I'll have my dog, which is the ultimate stress relief. I can play my instruments without headphones. I can even invite people over from time to time and not have to worry about the crazy dorm life getting in the way.
-I'll have other places to stay with friends (and very generous boyfriend). If I need to get away I have places to go. I have somewhere to park my car for practices, and somewhere to stay for game nights... or whenever I need it... within reason of course.
-I'll have a new (kinda) start at school. I've figured out for the most part what I want to do in life and now I know how to get to do it. I won't change my major another 3 times because I think I need to. I know this is what I'm good at and what I love and that's all I need. My classes won't be so ridiculous anymore, won't be composed of 300 hundred students, won't have egotistical professors who don't care about their students (I hope). I'll be at a school that can help guide me to success rather than try to keep me from it. Oh, and it doesn't steal as much money from me. Not even close.
-I'm going to have such a better experience with band. Last year rocked... when I wasn't in the ER, or doubled over in pain or sick at home. I missed more than half of the season, most of the Saturday practices, a few games, and several class practices. Not cool. This year I'm going to take my reputation of being the weak little stick and rip it to shreds. I'm more than that and it's about time these college kids saw that.
-I'm going to have more fun. I spend too much time by myself. Too many nights that I could go out and do something fun or hang out with people I love or whatever, I spend in my room alone doing nothing important in particular. Not next year. I don't want my life to continue wasting away like that. Hopefully school will be so much better that I will have the opportunity often to go try new things, get out there, make new friends and become closer to the old.
-I'm going to concentrate more on my passions. I'm going to take more pictures, do more shoots and travel around more to find new shot opportunities. I'm going to work on my music again. I'm going to eliminate all the cobwebs that have formed over my piano playing and pick up the flute again. I'm really going to do my best during band to become a better cymbal player as well and try to work on theory too even though that doesn't sound like as much fun. I want to become a better photographer and musician.
-I'm going to put more effort into my Christianity. I've been slowly but surely building back up to my relationship with God but like always, it could use a world of improvement. I have a lot of problems in my life that I'm pretty sure won't go away without God's help and I know I need him more than ever now.
-I'm going to keep in mind that I have plenty of people to help me through the low times and that I need to actually go to them because keeping to myself and being down and out is just not an option in life anymore. I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime. I have beautiful friends, a boyfriend who is more than I could ever ask for, and a family that has always been there for me whether I've liked it or not. If I continue to ignore that then I will really end up alone and that is my greatest fear in life. I also need to remind those people that I love them so much and that it means the world to me that I am lucky enough to have them in my life. (I'm pretty sure a few of you might be reading this right now, so know that^ :) ).
I'm being given another chance at this. I know I can blow it again and I know that I just won't allow that to happen. I've done enough sitting around and I know that I'm better than that. I have more to live for and a life worth living to the fullest. If I don't do that, it's on me. No more. I'm done with that. I'm saying this at one of the lowest points I've been, and I feel like the only possible way I could look anymore is up. If I continue to look down then that's the direction I'll continue to go. And I don't want to know where that ends out. Plus I'm afraid of heights. :)
So... here we go...
"We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away
we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em
while we got the chance to say
gotta live like we're dying" - Kris Allen
- I'll have my own room. this means that I won't have to deal with a room mate, I won't have to deal with her music, or her extremely bad singing while I'm trying to study and concentrate, I won't have to worry about her keeping me up late when I want to sleep or keeping her up when I want to stay up. I'll have my space and I can do whatever I want with it, be as messy and clean as I want and not have to take out her trash or trip over her shoes. I'll be able to get organized, get rid of stuff and get my room figured out over the summer. Oh and my bed will be at a height where I don't have to use a step stool to get in.
-I'll be living at home. This seems like a bad thing but I'm going to try to make it not be negative. For one, I'll have someone cooking real food in the comfort of home and not have to walk all the way to the union in back to sit and eat. I'll have more places to study or do whatever without random people I don't know walking in and giving me weird looks like I'm not allowed to be there. I'll have my dog, which is the ultimate stress relief. I can play my instruments without headphones. I can even invite people over from time to time and not have to worry about the crazy dorm life getting in the way.
-I'll have other places to stay with friends (and very generous boyfriend). If I need to get away I have places to go. I have somewhere to park my car for practices, and somewhere to stay for game nights... or whenever I need it... within reason of course.
-I'll have a new (kinda) start at school. I've figured out for the most part what I want to do in life and now I know how to get to do it. I won't change my major another 3 times because I think I need to. I know this is what I'm good at and what I love and that's all I need. My classes won't be so ridiculous anymore, won't be composed of 300 hundred students, won't have egotistical professors who don't care about their students (I hope). I'll be at a school that can help guide me to success rather than try to keep me from it. Oh, and it doesn't steal as much money from me. Not even close.
-I'm going to have such a better experience with band. Last year rocked... when I wasn't in the ER, or doubled over in pain or sick at home. I missed more than half of the season, most of the Saturday practices, a few games, and several class practices. Not cool. This year I'm going to take my reputation of being the weak little stick and rip it to shreds. I'm more than that and it's about time these college kids saw that.
-I'm going to have more fun. I spend too much time by myself. Too many nights that I could go out and do something fun or hang out with people I love or whatever, I spend in my room alone doing nothing important in particular. Not next year. I don't want my life to continue wasting away like that. Hopefully school will be so much better that I will have the opportunity often to go try new things, get out there, make new friends and become closer to the old.
-I'm going to concentrate more on my passions. I'm going to take more pictures, do more shoots and travel around more to find new shot opportunities. I'm going to work on my music again. I'm going to eliminate all the cobwebs that have formed over my piano playing and pick up the flute again. I'm really going to do my best during band to become a better cymbal player as well and try to work on theory too even though that doesn't sound like as much fun. I want to become a better photographer and musician.
-I'm going to put more effort into my Christianity. I've been slowly but surely building back up to my relationship with God but like always, it could use a world of improvement. I have a lot of problems in my life that I'm pretty sure won't go away without God's help and I know I need him more than ever now.
-I'm going to keep in mind that I have plenty of people to help me through the low times and that I need to actually go to them because keeping to myself and being down and out is just not an option in life anymore. I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime. I have beautiful friends, a boyfriend who is more than I could ever ask for, and a family that has always been there for me whether I've liked it or not. If I continue to ignore that then I will really end up alone and that is my greatest fear in life. I also need to remind those people that I love them so much and that it means the world to me that I am lucky enough to have them in my life. (I'm pretty sure a few of you might be reading this right now, so know that^ :) ).
I'm being given another chance at this. I know I can blow it again and I know that I just won't allow that to happen. I've done enough sitting around and I know that I'm better than that. I have more to live for and a life worth living to the fullest. If I don't do that, it's on me. No more. I'm done with that. I'm saying this at one of the lowest points I've been, and I feel like the only possible way I could look anymore is up. If I continue to look down then that's the direction I'll continue to go. And I don't want to know where that ends out. Plus I'm afraid of heights. :)
So... here we go...
"We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away
we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em
while we got the chance to say
gotta live like we're dying" - Kris Allen
Friday, April 9, 2010
.
I'm just sitting here watching everything around me fall apart slowly.
Ever since I was kicked out of Fusion, I've lost most of my motivation to do anything. I don't know how that works with all of my wiring, but that's what's happened and now I'm seeing everything fail around me. And as much as I want to do something to fix it all, I can't. My mind wills my body to move but it decides otherwise. I think about how this could ruin my future but my body doesn't care. It just sits there humming to itself thinking it will get by somehow. I know it won't and things will just get worse if I continue on this way.
I need a 2.0 to be able to become a non-degree seeking student. That's what I need to do to be able to march in the Pride of Arizona. With my best friend and my froshies who I've missed so much this past year. To do what I love, and what I've wanted to do for years and years. So why isn't that enough motivation for me to get up and go to class? Why isn't that enough to kick me in gear and get everything done? Why am I still so unmotivated to do anything productive at all?
I just want to rewind this entire year. Start over. I could do so much better. I put myself in ruts too tall for me to even think about getting out and all I can do about it is sit and wonder and cry. I want to succeed so badly. I want to do well more than anything. So why can't I? What's stopping me? Just myself I guess. And it's hard to get past a road block like that when you're the one who won't budge and you don't know how to get yourself to move. How much can I tell myself "you can do it" and not believe it?
I don't want to screw up my entire future step by step. I want to improve, especially since if I just get worse I'm gonna end up without anything at all. I've already lost enough to make me want to dig myself into a hole and sleep forever. I want to gain all of that back, but I don't know how. I have plenty of things to fight for so why doesn't that seem like enough? I don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid of what's going to happen next.
Ever since I was kicked out of Fusion, I've lost most of my motivation to do anything. I don't know how that works with all of my wiring, but that's what's happened and now I'm seeing everything fail around me. And as much as I want to do something to fix it all, I can't. My mind wills my body to move but it decides otherwise. I think about how this could ruin my future but my body doesn't care. It just sits there humming to itself thinking it will get by somehow. I know it won't and things will just get worse if I continue on this way.
I need a 2.0 to be able to become a non-degree seeking student. That's what I need to do to be able to march in the Pride of Arizona. With my best friend and my froshies who I've missed so much this past year. To do what I love, and what I've wanted to do for years and years. So why isn't that enough motivation for me to get up and go to class? Why isn't that enough to kick me in gear and get everything done? Why am I still so unmotivated to do anything productive at all?
I just want to rewind this entire year. Start over. I could do so much better. I put myself in ruts too tall for me to even think about getting out and all I can do about it is sit and wonder and cry. I want to succeed so badly. I want to do well more than anything. So why can't I? What's stopping me? Just myself I guess. And it's hard to get past a road block like that when you're the one who won't budge and you don't know how to get yourself to move. How much can I tell myself "you can do it" and not believe it?
I don't want to screw up my entire future step by step. I want to improve, especially since if I just get worse I'm gonna end up without anything at all. I've already lost enough to make me want to dig myself into a hole and sleep forever. I want to gain all of that back, but I don't know how. I have plenty of things to fight for so why doesn't that seem like enough? I don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid of what's going to happen next.
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