Before I turn 20.

So I realized earlier today that I have 4 months left of being a teenager. It was the saddest thing I had ever thought of in my life I think. But I didn't waste much time being sad about it because I made this other decision. I need to have a list of things I want to do as a teenager... you know teenager-y things, before I turn... *sob*... 20. Now before you read this list, understand that this definitely doesn't mean that this will be the last time I do any of these things, I just want to do them all one last time as a teenager... baahh :(

-Have a board game night with friends.
-Make root beer floats.
-Have a SUPER GIRLIE sleepover.
-Have a tea party.
-Color pictures from a coloring book for friends.
-Camp in my backyard (and make smores of course!)
-Go play on a playground.
-Kiss a boy.
-Go on an awkward movie date.
-Go bowling.
-Go to skate country.

This is all that I can think of for now, but I think that's a pretty good list.

Crazy.

There are these moments. When something hits you out of nowhere. Like a truck. And it catches you so off guard that you forget to breathe. So you sit there for a few moments. Not breathing. Somewhere, among your other thoughts of other things, you remember you need to breathe. So you do. But it doesn't feel right, like your lungs are too heavy. You decide just not to breathe.

You really aren't sure what to do. The thoughts aren't even really coming anymore. It's all frozen. One thought. The one thought you'd rather not think. Sitting there, you let your arms go limp. They hang at your sides. Nothing works anymore. Breathing, thinking, being, it's all broken. What more is there to do?


Sometimes, I think it would just be easier to be crazy. Completely, utterly, crazy.

Maybe I'll try it.

12 days left.

So it's November 28 and I have two and a half days until my nanowrimo is supposed to be complete. Within those two and a half days I have two tests, a presentation to finish, doctors appointments, and some other various plans that will be occuring in between. So I think it's definitely about time for me to accept defeat. I did alright this year, I got to 22,000 words, that's almost half. I think next year I need to do a lot more planning for my story. I don't know if I'll be able to get away with doing another memoir. I'll just continue to brainstorm for the next year and hopefully by the time next November rolls around I'll have some good ideas in store.

There are just about 12 days left in this semester. I think the biggest reason I'm starting to hate this semester is because I really don't know how well my grades are going to turn out. I stopped caring about my classes when I realized I really wasn't going to need them. I decided what I'm really going to go for in my major, and I'm excited about that instead. So I saw the classes I'm in as a waste of time. Which made the fact that they were difficult for me even harder to overcome. But I'm really going to try not to worry about it too much and just kick some butt next semester.

I'm hoping that my motivation issues are a thing of the past now that I know what I want to do with my life (at least what I want to do for the next few years). I think that was the hardest thing for me, finding the motivation to keep moving forward, when I really didn't know what forward was going to be for me.

I'm so glad I learned how to actually utilize my planner. I have things organized and highlighted and I think I've kept track of more things because of it. And it helps that I actually look at it. I think it gives me some clarity in my day to day life. That, and it makes sure that I don't forget I have two tests and a huge presentation coming up this week. Blegh. 12 days.

Keep calm and carry on.

1,000 Words.

If I could, I would wear a tutu every day. Perhaps I’d wear colorful socks to go with it. I’d never wear shoes unless I absolutely felt like it, but they would never be boring shoes maybe rain boots or ones that lit up. I’d wear bright red lipstick and glitter on my eyes all the time. My hair would be long and curly and bounce around as happy as could be. I would dance around as I pleased and wouldn’t care what people thought. I wouldn’t need confidence because I would simply be happy all the time. I would have lovely friends to have tea parties with and sit and laugh with and go swimming in the ocean and take pictures with. I would fall in love with a boy who longed for simplicity and we would get married and move to the country. We would be married in Colorado with only our families and very close friends in attendance. He would have dark hair that I would love running my fingers through. And I would love the ring he gave me because it would be simple and yet the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I would never forget to wear it. I’d live in a simple little cottage with not too many rooms but enough to still be able to escape if I needed to. I would have a swing in a tree that stood fifty feet tall and would have leaves that turned thousands of colors in the fall. I would take up ballet again and I would dance in Swan Lake or the Nutcracker. And I wouldn’t be afraid to sing out loud sometimes, even though I knew my voice was quite terrible and no one would want to hear it. I would wish on shooting stars and close my eyes and pretend that I could fly. I would paint pictures on a canvas using nothing but my fingers. I would eat chocolate every day and drink tea every morning. I would have a huge bed with hundreds of pillows and one of those gigantic fluffy comforters that you can just get lost in. And I would cuddle every night falling deeper and deeper in love. And it would rain and it would snow and we’d jump in puddles or make snow angels, and the leaves would fall and we’d make piles to leap into, but we’d always save the very prettiest leaves to press into a book and keep forever. I would hang pictures on the wall full of memories and beauty and there would never be a blank spot. I would talk to someone new every day and we’d discuss music and literature and how lovely the weather has been lately. I would have five dogs, big dogs that would be as lovable as can be and would believe that they were actually lap dogs and would snuggle at night while I read. And I would learn to write songs and become amazing at playing the piano and people would beg me to write a song about them. If I ever felt upset I would go driving in my car for as long as the road would take me, singing every song on the radio on the top of my lungs and not really caring how fast I was going or what time it was. I would go to Disney Land at least once a year. I would challenge myself to become stronger and surprise people with what I could do. I would learn how to play every instrument in existence. I would train to run a marathon and find a new hobby I loved. I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him how I felt and we would never get tired of being with each other. He would learn how to cook because I would be awful at it and I would do all the baking. We wouldn’t have kids, but we’d be happy together, racking up the years, but never feeling less passionate. I would read all of Jane Austin’s books and I would write in a journal every night. And my best friend and I would talk every day about anything and everything we could think of and we would always meet once a week and go on adventures. I would never watch TV, but sometimes I would play video games if I really got bored. I would make mixed tapes for everyone I knew of all the songs that reminded me of them. I would be a favorite aunt to my sister’s three kids and I would always spoil them when they came to visit and on their birthdays and Christmas. I would travel the world for a year taking pictures of thousands of places so that everyone could see the real beauty of the earth and I would meet penguins in Antarctica and become their friends. I would never eat fast food, but I would eat really good pizza as often as I could. Sometimes I would let myself cry because I just needed to do it, because there are sad things in this world that are worth being cried for and he would hold my hand and tell me it’s all going to be ok. We would go on walks every night with our five dogs and say hello to all of the neighbors and end up standing at one particular house for an hour because we start to chat a bit. I would be a music teacher and he would be an engineer or a writer or a doctor. I would have colorful Christmas lights in every room every day of the year and those glow in the dark stars on the bedroom ceiling.  And sometimes, when I had too many thoughts in my head at a particular moment in time I would sit and I would type all of my thoughts until suddenly I realized that I had written over 1,000 words and I would post it in a blog hoping that people would read it and think it was wonderful. But I would only really hope that you would read it and think that I was wonderful.

Free write.

Writer's block is awful. 

Especially when you're trying to write 50,000 words by November 30th.

In my attempts to get rid of said writer's block, I'm writing this blog. I googled what to do when suffering from writer's block and it told me to just step away from what I'm attempting to write and just ramble on somewhere else about whatever comes to my mind. So I did a free write. And it didn't really work. But for amusement purposes, I thought it would be a good idea to post the ridiculous mess that resulted from my free write.

Two weeks ago my room was clean. Now it isn't. There are too many shoes  and I don't even wear that many different shoes. I wish I was brave enough to wear high heels on just a normal every day type occasion. I like the way they look with jeans and the height boost would be beneficial. I need to be more confident. Guys like girls that are confident. At least I think the do. Free writes aren't supposed to sound good. Are they? They told me to write what was on my mind. All I can think is that I still have 32,000 words and that I wonder if I'll ever let anyone read it anyways. And I wish my Dr. Pepper hadn't gone flat and I wonder where you are and what you're doing but my socks are too tight and this bug bite itches. I want to repaint the walls in my room. I don't like the colors anymore. I want lime green and dark red stripes. I need new Christmas lights, mine are broken. Pandora seems to understand me today. Something happened today and it made me smile SO BIG. And I was happy even though it wasn't something that would make most people as happy as it made me. Some people are so good with words, or maybe they're just good at picking the right order. My grammar check doesn't seem to think I'm good at picking the right order. My house is creepy and dark and empty right now. I wish people could hear the words the way I mean to write them. They're so black and white looking on the page when I really put so much feeling into them. Do you see what I feel? Sometimes I wish I could telepathically send a thought to someone. I would do it anonymously. Then I could see how they felt by who they thought it was. I'd probably be disappointed. And the room is too cold and my phone stays too silent and what do you think? And it's funny that I totally get what you're saying, I mean I COMPLETELY relate, but it wouldn't make sense to tell you that would it? I'm going to do horribly in my chemistry class but I'm ok with that now that I know it's unimportant to my life. Chemistry doesn't like me, and we've agreed not to try and be friends anymore. And I will always be me, but I do have the choice to be the version of me that I want to be. I want to be that girl. Her. And it seems like there are times that my entire being bursts in motivation and drive, but that always seems to happen when it's 2am and I can't do anything about it. I believe in God, why is that such a bad thing? I confuse depression with exhaustion. The real me glitters. It makes sense if you let it. Thats 498 words.

No more disappointment.

So I'm starting to realize that it's just not worth it to be disappointed about things anymore.

I made the choice a little to late to try out for cymbals this year. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't prepared and that I definitely did not deserve a spot. I'm not putting myself down, I'm stating the facts. I've been asked by several people who knew that cymbals was my first choice for this season if the outcome I got yesterday was disappointing or if I was bummed. Truthfully, I was. For about two minutes. I was given the news and was disappointed, I walked back into the room, told Tyler and then just sat and took it in.

But when the line was being announced and Anne and I were the ones announced for the vibraphone section, I immediately thought of it in an entirely different way.

It's been a year since I've been able to be on a music ensemble because of various issues I've been facing. And it's been killing me, not being around my people, not being able to do what I do best, feeling like I don't have a life anymore... But now I have the opportunity to be back and I'm amazed. I'm definitely lucky to have the chance to be back in such an amazing organization and I'm definitely thankful for it.

So I'm looking forward to this season. I'm not disappointed in the least bit, there's nothing to be disappointed about. I think I like to picture how things should be or how I would like them to be instead of just enjoying things as they are. No wonder I'm never satisfied. Well I'm definitely learning the right and wrong ways to go about life and be happy. And letting things disappoint me for extended periods of time is definitely the wrong way to go.

Sparticus.

"You should write a blog about me

And title it

Sparticus

Or something cool

Then everyone will praise you

Especially me"

 

 This blog is about you and your many things.

... I'm waiting.

Some more random.

I had one of those depressing "well I guess that's never going to happen. I should probably just get over it." moments last night. It's one of those things where all reality comes rushing in and the light bulb goes on, you see a bit clearly and it all starts making sense. I hate those moments.

So lately I've been sort of busy with random things and it always seems like those are the times that I find myself wanting to play video games. Like I feel this physical need to get out the playstation or my PC games and geek out. That physical need severely dwindles when I'm bored and have absolutely nothing to do. What an awful cycle.


I can't help but think that I could delete you from my facebook and phone contacts list and be absolutely fine with that. I could probably go the rest of my life without ever seeing you again and wouldn't shed a tear about it. I've gotten past the need to know how you're doing, I've gotten past feeling the need to talk about how absolutely idiotic you are. Actually I learned this last weekend when I felt absolutely lame talking about you at all. To bad you live with one of my best friends.

I'm afraid to write the dates in my planner because the past few times I've done that I haven't made it/ been kicked off/ ended up not being able to finish the season. I seriously feel like it would jeapordize my chances. Actually I think it would gaurantee that I wouldn't be on the line. I hope taping it to my wall doesn't have the same effect... (the excitement was too much).

According to the personality test I took in psychology, people see me as mushy, over emotional and just pathetic. Thanks for that confidence professor, really I'm embracing my personality more than ever. /sarcasm.
Meh. Oh well.

I already have the songs picked out for the 2011 Fusion Slideshow. Start taking pictures people.


**Hey if you read my blog, comment and let me know. I'm just curious to know how much of an audience I really have for this thing. :)**

If I had a lot more confidence.

Maybe, if I had a lot more confidence, I would just walk up to you one day. I would say hello, ask how you are, start a conversation. We could get to know each other better, become friends of a sort. Then, if I had a lot more confidence, I would tell you how I feel. Maybe it would be a surprise, maybe not. Perhaps you would feel the same, if I had a lot more confidence, it would be ok if you didn't.

These are some of the scenarios that can run over and over in my head. Somewhat perfect interactions that I know will never happen. I would be extremely lucky if they ever did. But instead I stay in my comfort zone on the other side of the room, watching as you enjoy yourself with your friends. And it's alright that you'll go on with your life never knowing that even though I tell myself I'm super lame and I definitely try not to think about you, I still do all the time. It's ok because I definitely don't do a lot of work making it any other way.

I'll eventually move on, everything will just keep flowing like nothing was ever astray, but there's always that glimmer of wondering what might have happened... if I had been just a little more confident.

Things I've been thinking about recently...

Things that have been on my mind lately:

-The whole idea was NOT to fall for him, how is it even possible that I'm starting to like him more even though I never see him? What's it gonna be like when I see him all the time again?

-Not having band sucks the life out of my life.

-Protein drinks are disgusting. Sometimes being small and trying to build a ton of muscle sucks.

-Have you ever looked at pictures of that girl he hangs out with all the time and just thought to yourself: "Well eff, there's no way I can compete with that."

-I wish my arms were longer.

- I really wanna know why you don't care anymore, all drama aside.

-I need another pedicure. My glitter is falling off... and that sounds waaaay to girlie for me.

-I think I forgot to do my math homework last night.