failure.

I keep starting blogs, I have about five unfinished ones just sitting in the folder. I'm not sure why I've been having such a hard time getting myself to finish all of them and it's been almost two months since I've actually posted anything. I think part of it is because I've been sort of living my life in an autopilot mode for a while. I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I thought I had everything pretty much figured out for the next couple months, or at least the next couple weeks, but a few things have happened since then that have put a halt on all of that. Everything has just kind of fallen apart in front of me.

I don't like not being able to fix things myself. I like to make things better, especially if I'm the one who initially messed them up. But that hasn't been the case lately. I've had one screw up after another and I haven't been able to do much to fix those things. I've watched helplessly as things have shattered in front of me, floated so far away that I can't possibly grasp them and felt myself become more and more unmotivated to even try. I'm not sure what to do anymore to help this even. In my mind I really want to buckle down and work until everything is right again, but every time I go to do so all of my energy drains and I wonder why it's even worth it anymore.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel like such a failure on so many levels. In school, in my music and photography, in relationships. Everything. And I feel like asking for help would be the worst thing to do at this point, that it's up to me to clean up my mess. But I'm afraid that I'm in too deep and the few people that I would ask for help at a time like this seem to be the people who are the farthest away. I've got myself stuck in a rut that I'm too weak to get out of.

I have too many "I'm sorry"s on the tip of my tongue ready for everyone that has seen me sink deeper and deeper into a spot that just isn't like me. I know that I'm not usually so unmotivated, that I'm usually not so easy to give up, not like this, not to this extreme. I don't know how I could have let myself fail so bad at everything I do. I hate myself for it. I truly truly do. I'd say that I'll just keep trying to make things better, but I haven't even begun to make any progress on that empty promise. The few things that used to push me to keep on keeping on have vanished and now I'm all alone. I understand this and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if there's any hope left in me at all.

unsaid.

But there's one more thing that I want to say. Something that's been eating away at me for way too long. Why can't I just say it? It means so much to me and yet it's just so much simpler to keep it to myself. Even if I can feel it beating me down each day.

And what would you say back? Would things change for the better or for the worse? Would they change at all? It just keeps eating away slowly and painfully.

Would you accept me? Or would I just get hopelessly pushed away over and over again? I just want things to be right but the silence makes it impossible. I want to say it, why can't I just say it?

The fear of the unknown keeps me gagged and bound. All I can do is watch from afar and wonder what things could be like. I fear you will never know what is keeping me from living, it keeps me from being happy. But you don't even know that there's something there, a thought, a statement that hangs in my head like a bad song.

If I could just scream it, let every word cut through the air clear and strong, if only you could feel what I'm feeling right now, maybe then the understanding I've been wanting for too long would finally set in.

But there's one more thing I want to say...

Teasing.

Little boys are known for teasing little girls. Boys pull on girls' hair, or steal their dolls, or stick their their tongues at them. And as much as we'd like to think it does, this never changes: boys always tease girls. Of course the type of teasing changes a bit, it becomes more subtle, and effects girls in different ways. Whether they realize it or not, admit it or not (and they won't) boys have always and will always tease us girls.

The worst kind of teasing is that seemingly oblivious type. Where they go on doing the same things that drive you CRAZY saying the same things that keep you wondering and wondering even hours after they've said it. Of course they don't understand what they can to do us. Of course.

And why, why do we let them do this to us? If they can go without being bothered that they're teasing, shouldn't we be able to go without being bothered that we're teased? If only it were that easy. If it were that easy, girls wouldn't have half the problems we do when it comes to boys. And I'm sure boys would consider us to seem a lot less complicated.

For example, one line I absolutely hate and will never understand is "Maybe if things were different..." That one can gnaw at my brain for days, in fact it's gnawed at my brain for around 3 years now. That's not one any girl wants to hear in a particular circumstance, especially if she wishes that things really were very different.

Because then she starts thinking... what would have happened? What if it had been different?How would it have been different? In my case I wondered if I would have been happier. I wondered if we would have been good together. I wondered if it would have lasted and what it would have evolved to be. And as much as I tell myself it's stupid to wonder wistfully and wish of what could have been, since I can't help it... I still do, and I can't help that.

And further even, it makes me wonder if things still could be different.

Poor Gustav.

My Gall Bladder: Does it stay or does it go?

So I have a hard time making decisions. More so than most people I know, I'm pretty sure more so than I should. Even every day decisions, like what cereal I should eat or whether I should wear flip flops or converse... and then what color converse... etc.

Now I am faced with an actual genuinely tough choice to make... and I am in a rut so deep I don't even know where to start to even get started. This is a decision that will literally change my life and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I have people on either sides trying to tell me why I should choose in whichever direction and I just don't know what to trust or expect... and so on.

On one hand, I make the decision to go through with the procedure. The poor thing comes out. (That's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, I've grown quite attached to my gall bladder, it's been a part of me all my life. I've almost given it a name, but part of me does not dare to go that far.) There is no way to tell what to expect after this, it can go in one of several ways. I could be fine, no complications (I'll get to that soon), I recover nicely, my diet does not need to change drastically , happy end. There could be issues, such as blood clots, or whatever the heck else could go wrong, I could feel sick afterwards and end up going on a strict, never fun, horrid diet. Or I could die. The third is a very unlikely outcome... but who knows.

Or, I could choose not to get it out. I'll have to endure the pain for however much longer the pain decides to stick around, and have it get slightly worse every time I eat like it does now. I could risk more pain attacks and possible ER visits. I could take various pills for the rest of my life. Or it could all just go away. Again, the last is the least likely.

I am not really fond of the idea of surgery. The certain procedure I'm undergoing just freaks me out. (They of course explained it to me thoroughly and I really do wish that they hadn't.) It's pretty certain in my mind that I would be really afraid going into it, and no less afraid coming out of it. The whole not knowing what to expect thing kind of doesn't make things easier in the slightest for me.

However, I really need to make a decision soon, even if the decision is to not do anything at all. The pressure just makes things worse and I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

Poor Gustav. Gustav the gall bladder. Bah...

I wrote a letter to God.

I wrote a letter to God tonight.

Now I know to some this might seem like an odd thing to do, whether or not you are Christian, all that jazz, etc. but all the same... It helps me to write things down. In past blogs I have mentioned that making lists helps me greatly to organize thoughts and figure things out.

I have been in an extremely bad spot in my life the past few weeks. I have never been so in over my head, I have never seen such a dark area in my life, I have never felt so hopeless as I have for the past few weeks. But I don't really feel like dwelling upon that. If you have concerns, this blog is to ensure you that you shouldn't be concerned any more. Not as much as you would have been knowing my recent situation.

I didn't know what else to do. There are these times at night when I suddenly feel really motivated, like I could do anything... and lately I haven't been experiencing these feelings. But tonight I felt it again. And I decided to take advantage of the feeling, unsure about when I might get the feeling again.

I decided that I needed the ultimate amount of help, because I'm not sure who else I could have asked without feeling unsatisfied or like I was being a terrible burden. However, I have a hard time with talking to anyone. So I wrote a letter praying to God. It's the best choice I've made in a very very long time. I was able to discover so many buried thoughts and feelings by uncovering various layers that were just suffocating me. It helped me to decide what steps I really wanted to take next.

I felt so much better after writing, it was a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I knew I was going to be taken care of, and that if I continued to trust in Him, who I should have been trusting all along, that nothing like this would get in my way again. It's a good feeling.

So why am I writing this? I guess I just want to let it be known that I'm about to make a significant amount of changes. I have no doubt that it's going to be a bumpy road, that I'm going to have to consult many people about many things, and that it's going to take a while. But for the first time in months, I'm somewhat optimistic. ... that and even though I've already asked God for help, I want to ask you for help to. Just to keep me accountable. Everyone needs a push forward here and there and I will admit now, I'm probably going to need a shove every once in a while.

Hero Syndrome/Wouldn't it be nice?

It's the need to always feel needed.

Today I realized that I am nobody's everything.

The world would keep turning, everyone would have someone to replace me with, as if I had never been there in the first place. I would be forgotten in no time. No big deal.

And I think that's my biggest issue. I have a subconcious need to be needed by somebody. That's why I always feel like I need to be in charge, why I feel lonely so much.

------------------------------------------------

Getting more and more tired over time, until finally it's no use trying to fight it. Falling asleep peacefully and not having to feel or think about anything anymore. Ever again. Sounds great doesn't it?

Maybe I should be happier.

Would it help? I know people don't like to be around someone when they're being a downer. And I'm not sure why I always feel like one. But the fact that no one really seems to care should have been a huge hint a long time ago. Am I losing people again because of it? I really wish someone would just tell me, but I don't normally get what I wish for.

Am I acting wrong? Am I losing you? Is it all in my head? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

It's one thing to feel like you're just missing something. But to think about never getting something back is something much much more.

I think I need to live my life more. I kinda just tend to watch as it all passes me by. Like a movie. I go through the motions half heartedly and then I hate myself for it.

It's a motivation problem.

Or maybe that's not the problem at all.

Unimportant.

I wrote a while back about purpose and how horrible it feels to not know what your purpose might be or if you have one. That ties into what I'm feeling right now... in fact in some twisted sense it's pretty much exactly what I'm feeling right now. A feeling of not being important.

But not just in general. Most of the time I don't care if I'm important to a great majority of the population, I just go with the flow and tend to blend in anyways. But there's a few people where it's the complete opposite. I want to be important to them... and I'm not entirely sure if that's ok or not.

The past few weeks there have been a couple of those people who it matters with, that I just feel like I don't seem important anymore. I've been replaced, overlooked, I don't matter anymore. I've been brushed aside and unknowingly lost and it's just no big deal. So what do I do? How do I handle it? Am I wrong to feel completely horrible for this?

I've just been praying that I'm mistaken. That this really isn't the case, I'm just crazy and it will blow over. But it's not like I can ask for some sort of proof from these people to show that I'm still important to them. It just doesn't work that way.

Look at the big picture.

It's amazing how if you don't look at the big picture, you don't realize how much work you're actually achieving. For the past few weeks, I've been frantically working out, trying to gain muscle before my auditions (which are tomorrow O.O). So far I just wasn't seeing much result and I was feeling as if all my work really wasn't helping. I just wasn't feeling ready at all. How disappointing that weeks of work had resulted in nothing? What was the point?

But then a friend mentioned that I was getting some muscle. He hadn't seen me in a while, and so I guess rather than myself seemingly seeing no huge difference from seeing myself everyday, he saw what was a few weeks of weight work. I looked at myself a little closer that night... and yes it did seem as though I had gained a bit of muscle. Ok, so maybe the working out wasn't completely futile...

Another night as I was trying to get something out of a cabinet at a friends house, I swung myself up onto the counter so that I could reach higher. As soon as I had done so, another friend commented a little surprised: "Did you just swing yourself up there with your left hand?" I had, and rather effortlessly so. I hadn't really noticed how easily I had just popped right up and the fact that I did it with my non dominant hand, an act that with my coordination would normally end me on the floor, was a bit satisfying.

Now that I look at the big picture, I was getting a lot more work done than I had thought. Day by day of course it didn't seem so, I was only really looking at a day's worth of work and that most definitely did not seem like enough to help me throw around cymbals. But looking back at a few weeks worth of work, even though it still doesn't seem like much to me, it's still a lot better and more settling.

Breakdown.

I figured out something last night that pretty much slapped me in the face as hard as it possibly could and then left me crumpled on the floor bruised, battered and bewildered. It's not often that I'm in a situation when so many negative feelings are engulfing me at once that I cant even stand up. So much so that I feel sick to my stomach, head, and toes. So much so that I don't have any control over what I do. Although, there were other factors in the night that might have contributed to those particular factors.

It hasn't been that easy to put on the mask I've been sporting the past few months, although I was sure I was getting better with it. Why I was putting on a mask was because of a few things; I had friends with problems I found more important and wanted to help, not hurt them... my unecessary feelings of guilt that drive me away from venting about things most nights... and the fact that I was growing in confidence and didn't want that to seemingly falter. Maybe the most influential reason was the existence of the few secrets that were creeping upon me that I just wanted to keep under wraps.

My state last night was... all over the place. I thought it might be but I didn't know that it would cause me to let down my internal guard and let everything hit me all at once. The mask just completely melted off in a blink of an eye and I was just lost. And the worst part of it all was being unable to stop it all from happening. I just wanted my emotions to go away, I haven't hurt that much in a long long time.

I should have somehow seen this as an opportunity to get rid of all of it, but I was more worried about being a burden and a bother, I just wanted to get out ... and then hide. The small amount that I was able to vent seemed to be too much at the time but now I wish I could have said more. Not knowing how to explain how it all feels is part of the issue... but I still wish I could say something, anything to try and explain why I was in hysterics. Its obvious that I can't keep it in much longer.

When will you be happy?

So I just saw a blog prompt that asked: "When will you be happy?" At first I blew it off and went searching for other ideas, but as I continued my search, my mind kept going back to that question. It's an odd form of that question... when. When? Usually it's what makes you happy, or who, or why. But not when.

So... how would I answer that? Am I not already happy? Well... no, not completely, but there are definitely things that make me happy right now. I have great friends, a promising future, a few talents. And sure there are numerous things that can bring me down from time to time, but I definitely try to overcome that, after some frosting straight out of the container and some venting to those who care enough to listen. So why can't when be now?

Am I supposed to consider the things that I think will make me happy in the future? Finding my love and getting married. Traveling the world with my camera. Hopefully getting the chance to attend a killers concert. But how can I answer the question with those things? I still don't know when or if I will experience any of those things. Although it'd be nice if I did. :)

Seriously though, how can I possibly answer that question? Further thinking, I'm not sure I want to. It doesn't really matter when all those other things are going to happen that will make me happy, when I'm blessed right now as it is. I may not be 100% ecstatic all the time, but I'm happy enough. I wish I could realize that all of the time.

My worst enemy.

Oblivion is my worst enemy on so many different levels.

I tend to miss a lot of what is going on around me. I'm a very particular observer I guess. But it's not really that I see what I want to see, I just get lost in my own little world, so wrapped up in my worries that I miss what life shows me from time to time. And I kick myself every time. I wish I could say that it's not my fault that I don't see what people want me to see... I wish there was something I could do about it.

You send me messages from across the room, your eyes carry a story, the emotion flows from your expression... and I can't see it. Why can't I see it?

At the same time, I'm sending messages to people too, but it seems like most of them get lost in transit. With all of my might I try and I try to will my thoughts forward, but my futile attempts just keep adding up. I'm not sure what else I need to do, how much more obvious I need to get, to show what I'm trying to show. Of course everything would be so much more easier if we could just scream it all out from the top of our lungs.

"I wanna scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs... but I'm afraid someone else will hear me."

If we weren't all so oblivious of the things around us... we might, just might... actually be happy.

Identity Crisis.

Once you think you've got yourself all figured out... you surprise yourself with something completely new and you find yourself in square one again.

I see myself as a pretty unique individual most of the time. I'm not one to care what other people think about me, I go out in public wearing some odd things, I've got plenty of piercings and a tattoo. I listen to the type of music that makes some people cringe, and when I feel like being weird, I let loose. But from time to time, when I stop to actually think about who I am, I get lost, draw a blank, have no clue what to think. How do I define myself? How do I describe myself? What is my personality like? Who am I?

I really wish that I could ask people to describe me for myself. I'm curious to know what type of person I really am and who better to let me know than those people who are the closest to me? But I know I would get all sorts of different replies and opinions, so I just may never know.

This coming year is definitely going to help me figure out what type of person I am and what I can use to define myself. (I bring this up a lot when I write, so if I've already mentioned this in a previous blog you've read, I apologize.) I'm really hoping that the opportunity for me to try new things or experiment is not going to change me. I'm not sure I want to change really. I'd almost rather stay the same person but find the puzzle pieces that were missing formerly, to build me up to who I am. To make me stronger I guess.

It will be good to be able to break away from some of the restrictions and boundaries there are around me that keep me held back from figuring this all out. It will be good to go out on my own where the world can take me and mold me the way I'm supposed to be, just based on my own mind and experiences. You can't get a whole lot of that in high school, even if I did have some experiences not a ton of people get.

I'm already starting to feel some of the workings that going to college is going to make me endure. Some of them are pretty cool, but many of them so far have got me way stressed out. Hopefully I'll survive going off to live on my own, and juggling everything I have to juggle. I've done some pretty intense juggling before, but some new factors that have been thrown in, are like knives tossed in the equation. The last thing I need to do is get myself stabbed.

Confession #1

"You're so tiny!" "You're a stick!" "I could pick you up and throw you across the room!"

I'm so used to hearing comments like these. I am small, it's true, I'm short, don't weigh much, pretty much everything about me is small in some way. I have had many people tell me that they are jealous of my petite frame for whatever reason, and all I can do is smile and nod. That's all I can do because quite frankly I don't understand why they would be jealous. I'm short and frail looking, it looks like I hardly eat, like I'm weak... and that's not the way I want to look. I'm better than that.

The truth is, those same people who tell me they're jealous of the way I look, I'm jealous of myself. I love the way all of my friends look and I hate being the tiny one, the little one. The deeper truth I guess is that I'm self conscious of my body and of the way I look. I know it's rediculous, it's just about the opposite reason every girl in the world is worried about their looks.

I feel like I have to overcompensate for my size, and because of that my personality isn't where it should be. I put up concrete walls, a tough face and a hard voice just to seem... I guess not as small as I am. The more I type it out, the more crazy it sounds, but I still hope it all makes since. There are definitely times I'm dressing up or playing around with clothes with friends and I feel a bit inadequate, just wasted away.

I don't want to be the wasted away, tiny, frail looking girl anymore. Because I'm not that girl on the inside at all. There's more to me than what shows on the outside, and I guess I'm just not sure how to portray that to the world. I'm tired of feeling self conscious for being small, but I'm not exactly sure how to change that...

Purging my room.

I have so much stuff. It all accumulates in every nook and cranny in my room, it's absolutely everywhere. My room is easily cluttered and is pretty much always a disaster. Because I have all this junk. Now I am well aware that I really do not need most of what I have. Way too many clothes and shoes, random papers from God know what, pens and pencils coming out of my ears. I hate the fact that it makes me seem so materialistic... so why do I have all of these things? Sentimental value. >.<

There are some clothes that I have that I've owned since I was in the second grade. I can't get myself to get rid of them. Because they have such an important and yet unknown value to them. I would feel BAD for giving these things away. That goes for everything. I feel horrible for giving certain things away. Like these things would feel unloved if I were to sell them or hand them down. It's awful. Eventually I'll get over something enough to get rid of it, and then I'll forget about it... but it's hard for me to get to that point in the first place.

So imagine how difficult it is for me to have to get rid of things as part of my preparation for going away to college. It's already hard for me to accept that my childhood is basically over, having to look at all of the things that define that part of my life and wonder whether or not it should stay a part of my life or not.... it's a bit heart wrenching. I'll probably resort to putting most of it in boxes to store away or I'll keep it in my room at my house. It'll be so weird not to be around all of these things that I'm so used to seeing everyday.

At my dorm, most of what I'll have around me will be clothes, school supplies and some food. Nothing too special or interesting... but my wish for my side of the dorm is to make it look like my own anyways. Hopefully even without all the things that I usually had around me to remind me of those factors that define me, I'll still manage to make something to show that.

Cry myself to sleep.

Every once in a while, one of the girls I know will get into some sort drama or trouble, and will come to me at some point and claim that she had cried herself to sleep the previous night. Now, I've never actually cried myself to sleep, so at this point all I can do is slap on a concerned face nod, and say something about how I'm sorry. But the truth is, if they really managed to cry them self to sleep, then I envy them. I wish I was capable of doing that.

If I have something that I'm really worried about, something that makes me cry at night, where I might cry myself to sleep... I can't sleep. I usually stay up for nights thinking and worrying about whatever it is that has me upset. I have never managed to cry myself to sleep, no matter how exhausted and run down I am. How nice it must be to let out enough emotion to calm yourself enough, to put yourself at enough peace to be able to fall asleep. To be able to cry out enough of your worry to be able to set your mind at some ease. If I was able to do that, I would go through a lot less sleepless nights.

It's obviously a little hard for me to pity someone who says that they have cried themselves to sleep, and yet I always feel bad for thinking so, because I know the nature of girls. They say that in order to get sympathy, and although I believe they should be at some ease to know that they were able to sleep some even with the trials they are going through, I know they see it as such a negative phrase. Most people see crying yourself to sleep as some chaotic horrible thing, someone lying in darkness alone, having to tough out the harsh emotions they are faced with. This is not the picture that pops into my mind when I hear that phrase.

When I hear "I cried myself to sleep" I see something a lot more tranquil, nice, calm even. A release of bad emotions in the comfort of one's own bed. Eventually becoming more and more at ease until finally slipping away to peacefully sleep the night away. It sounds nice to me... is that really all that wrong?

My Inner Child.

Have you noticed lately, that more and more adults have stopped celebrating their birthdays with their actual birthdates? Like they say this is my 3rd 29th birthday, or something along the lines of that? I even have a few friends that do that, one that always has her 5th birthday, another that insists she's still in the 1st grade. Some people find that immature, they think that these people just need to learn to embrace the fact that they are forever growing older and they need to act their age... their real age. But I'm not so sure about that.

Sure, there's a bit of a limit that everyone should respect regarding how old you "act" from a day to day basis. We don't need grown adults throwing complete tantrums in the middle of public places because they refuse to pass the maturity of a two year old. That's a bit much. But in the same sense, if everyone were to loose their sense of an inner child, the world would just be a downright awful place. A happy medium is definitely in order.

Today I bought light up Transformers shoes that velcro from the kids section at Payless. I have pretty tiny feet, I fit in a kids size 2 shoe, and while out with a friend of mine shopping, I found these shoes and absolutely loved them. All my child hood, I really wanted shoes that were velcro and shoes that lit up. I never recieved either of those and although it wasn't a huge devestation to me, I've always vowed that if I had kids they would have plenty of each type. These shoes were pretty much everything that I would have wanted as a kid (other than the fact that they are boys shoes, and when I was younger I would have rather had a pretty pair of girls shoes thank you very much.)

As I was leaving the store with my sister, she kept giving me this look of disbelief, with some eye rolling thrown in here and there. I knew me buying these shoes was something that she could expect from me, so I asked her what was up with the looks. She admitted that this was definitely something I would do, but that it was a bit ironic. Here I am, an 18 year old girl, about to start college, and I'm overly excited about a pair of shoes that boys ten years my junior would love to have. It was a bit funny to think about. While we went through Target later on, we noticed that some of the school supplies had been set out. There were little backpacks and lunchboxes set out, a few of them with Transformers designs. We joked about me getting some of those as well, but of course I didn't. A little later on, a boy walked down an aisle we were in talking about his new lunchbox and how it had Optimus Prime and Bumblebee on it. My sister nudged me and said something about how I should go talk to him, he'd probably be jealous of my shoes. He didn't look more than maybe 5.

Is it so wrong that I would get these shoes? I normally am drawn to flashy colorful bright things, things that little kids would like, and while I do play dress up and do other kid like things with my friends, I definitely do not act like a 2 year old all the time. I don't think that just because I'm going off to college in a few months means that I need to grow up as fast as possible. I hope that I never grow up completely and loose my inner child. I'm used to getting odd looks based off what I'm wearing or doing, and while I wear these shoes very proudly, I'll be prepared for any looks people are going to give me.

Lists.

If I'm ever going to get anything done, figured out, organized... I have to make a list. I have them going everywhere. To do lists, lists of things I want to do, lists of things I need, of things I want, lists of goals, ideas and dreams. And there you have it, my list of lists.

I'm not sure what it is about lists that helps me organize my mind. Once I have something written down on paper, it's amazing how my mind can make sense of things. I guess it all just bounces around a little too much when it's just in my head, if it's written down where it can't move unless I tell it too, it's a bit easier to handle.

Another thing that lists help me with is motivation. I'm really not sure how that one works, maybe if I feel overwhelmed with what seems to be a million things cramming my head, seeing that it's really not that bad on paper can help me believe that I can get it all covered. Pretty amazing how the mind can work that way.

But the best part of lists, in my opinion, is the opportunity to check things off of them. It's a simple form of great satisfaction, going through a list and seeing how much you've managed to accomplish. It's a great way to make sure that you feel proud of what you do every once in a while.

I do believe it's about time for me to go update a few of my lists now...

Shopping.

Why do girls love going shopping so much? Sometimes it's not for the things that we would be shopping for...

Have you ever seen the allstate commercial where the guy is talking about how the way the economy is now is making people come closer? "It's not how wide the TV is that matters, but the people around the TV with you" and etc. Well in my world, shopping can be put the same way. It doesn't matter what I'm shopping for, or if I'm even really looking for anything at all, all that really matters to me is who I'm with and if we're having fun.

Most of the time I don't buy things when I go shopping with my friends, but I still have a really good time. We can find things that make us laugh or give us new ideas or something to talk about... and that's another factor to good shopping. While mindlessly walking around the mall or stores, not looking for anything, or everything, people have the time to talk about whatever they want. In the crowded shops and halls, you can talk freely.

When the news and other sources say that today's economy has ruined the process of shopping for some people with high prices and such, I don't let that phase me. You don't have to shop and spend too much money... you don't have to shop and spend any money at all. And I think in this economy that's important to understand. That commercial was right, it doesn't matter what you're doing, how flashy it is or how much you spend. It matters who you're with and if you're genuinely having a good time. And I'm proud to say that I'm getting pretty darn good at that... and finding the cheapest deals :)

Time flies, and recent sleep troubles.

Time flies when you're having fun. It's weird how that works, but it really does go quick when you're enjoying yourself.

Today was my longest shift of work I've ever worked. But in all honesty it felt like the shortest. I hate my job and most of the days that I work seem to drag on and on, I'm always looking at the clock and wishing that it was all over and I could just go home. Today I didn't do that. I was working with one of my best friends, and I was surprised when he said that it was an hour before we had to close. I still thought we had like 3. I didn't mind doing all of the work I usually hate because I got to talk to him throughout the whole thing, and I didn't even realize that I was doing most of the work I was doing.

It makes you wonder a bit, if your dream job is supposed to be doing something that you love to do... could you do something you don't really enjoy with a little help from your friends and have just as good results? I don't think I would mind sticking with this job for a little while if I could work more nights like this.

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I love sleep. But sometimes it leaves me feeling more exhausted than I started out. Not only when I get too much or too little, but last night I got 10 hours, which I believe is the recommended amount of sleep. I woke up unable to move, my body was so heavy and exhausted. My eyes were also heavy and it was all I could do to actually keep them open. I wonder sometimes if I toss and turn an excessive amount during the night. I don't understand how else I could feel so incredibly tired after sleeping. Whatever it is, I hope it stops because I'm still pretty tired and I want to sleep... for a good reason lol.

Purpose.

Paper cuts. Sunburns. Migraines. Some pretty awful feelings, ones we definitely would rather live without. But do any of these feelings even stack up when considering what could be the worst feeling in the world?

To me, physical pain is no match to some of the emotional beatings I've taken. I'd rather have an annoying paper cut on my finger than a broken heart any day. Surprisingly though, the worst feeling to me isn't really sadness or despair. It's something some people wouldn't think twice about, in fact most people wouldn't really care. To me the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being useless. Not needed. In the way. With no purpose.

I think it's because it's such an empty feeling, but it can bring so many emotions to the table at the same time. When I'm feeling that, I feel frustration, I feel disappointment, I feel lonely. It's a sandwich of adversity tightly wrapped in saran wrap and put in a paper bag... not exactly the surprise you were hoping for in a lunch.

And how do you deal with it? If you're sad you cry, if you're mad you scream, if you're exhausted you sleep. But if you're feeling useless... ironically enough there's not much you can do about it. What a way to remedy the issue. It's an emotion that can cause you to think (usually too much) and you start to wonder what exactly it is that you're doing here. While everyone else is bustling around you with their packages and drama that they call their lives, you sit in the corner empty handed and lost. It's not a pretty picture to paint.



I don't really mind sitting around and doing nothing every once in a while. Some of my favorite afternoons are spent sitting with my best friend watching mindless TV and just relaxing with her dogs. But lately I've started asking myself who I am and what I stand for on this planet. Like do I have some sort of destiny or fulfillment that I'll cover within my lifetime? Is there some special plan for me drawn out? What am I going to do in order to be remembered?

Part of it might be a subtle fear of being forgotten when I'm done. I kind of hope that I could have made some sort of lasting impact in some way where I could have made my mark on earth. I want my life to be worth living I guess. I need a purpose. And I'm a bit confused at this point in time as to what my purpose is. I'm a bit tired of living in this sort of a glass jar, knowing very well that I'm capable of letting loose and doing great things. Being convinced that I'm really capable of doing these great things and convinced that people will admire me for them is where I tend to have issues.

Hopefully in the next couple of months, or at least within the year, all of this will start to come to light for me. I guess it's all part of finding out what I'm all about... but that's another blog.

Because of the secrets we keep.

I'm absentmindedly keeping secrets. Like, I didn't realize how many secrets I was really keeping from people. And have you ever had something buzzing in your mind so loud, you just couldn't concentrate on anything else? Well, imagine that times 20. It would be great if I could just vent them out so that I could get them off my mind or talk about them, but just spilling out years worth of secrets to someone might be a bit... overwhelming.

Why do people keep secrets? I imagine most of it is fear, we don't want certain people to know certain things about our lives... they might judge, or laugh, or cause people to turn on you. Even if we hoped for a better outcome... maybe the help and understanding we truly need, we still fear the worst. It's always assumed that keeping that secret locked up inside where you can protect it would be the smarter idea. Even if it kills you wondering what would happen if the cat was let out of the bag.

But do the possible negative outcomes always outweigh the possible positive ones? So if you tell him you love him, yes he could freak out... a tarnished friendship vs a possible love. So you've had a rough patch in your life recently, they might see you differently... abandonment v seriously needed help. How do you compare those things? As much as you'd love to see the positive come through for you, it just doesn't always work out that way, and the negative just isn't worth the pain. It's impossible to decide, no wonder nobody can sleep anymore.

I think secrets keep us all from being happy... Like truly sincerely happy. We all know what we want, there are just too many things holding us back to get that. Our fears of the unknown control our every move, and yet it's only the unknown because of all the secrets we keep. What a great circle right?

Rest Assured.

Thinking back... I'm not exactly sure why I got a myspace in the first place. I know my friends told me I needed to get one, they were so cool and I just had to have one. The craze had swept the nation, and it was no surprise that millions of people felt the need to see what this "social networking" site was all about. So I did too, after weeks of asking my parents over and over if I could get one, and at first I too thought that this was the coolest thing since sliced bread... or whatever.

It's no secret that since then, myspace has lost its sparkle and excitement. Many people have grown so weary of checking their dormant pages that they've just stopped checking them completely or have even deleted them. I've grown just about to that point, and that's why I'm here today. The only reason I've kept my account for this long really is because of the blogs. I post them, and am blessed enough to have people who seem to enjoy reading them, and there are a few other people who post blogs there too that I like to read. And those blogs are the only reason my myspace survives.

Weird isn't it, crazes like that? It's like the people of the world have so much power over what can or can not be considered "cool" or "popular" but in the same sense, it's all so mindless and robotic. They don't have any real control at all, it's all spoon fed so easily. Who has the real power? Where does it all begin? It's all kind of confusing to me. What's worse is that there's a new trend out there... anti-conformity. Awesome.



I'm headed off to college this year, and one of the inevitable lessons I'm going to have to learn is the one where I begin to find out who I am in the "real world". I'm already starting to get that lesson rolling, and it's a bit of a surprising find. A rocky ride to be sure. But one that's sure to be worth it. I'm currently in an in between grey zone, between being a bit insecure about myself, and wanting to let loose and have fun. At times I feel like I'm getting myself into a place where I'm not going to know what to do with myself, that I'm going to be so run down and scared and I'm just not sure what to do... But at other times I feel like I could go out and take on the world no problem. I want to dance and sing in the streets.

With all of this up and down, it's starting to become easier for me to find out who my better friends are. It's pretty well known that your friends are there to help you out when things start to get rough, or you don't have any clue what you're going to do next in your life. I've been a bit oblivious to this fact lately. I've had a rough few weeks recently... ok maybe more than a few weeks, but regardless of how long it's really been, I have had a few people there to help me through it all... I'm not sure why I'm surprised about that, I have amazing friends and it's no shock that they would continue being amazing and help me through my toughest points. I was talking to one of these very great friends last night, and we both mentioned how hard it usually is to express gratitude, especially when you mean it more than anything in the world. That being mentioned, I have no idea how to express how extremely grateful I am that they would help me, when I never thought I deserved that. (Shout out to Erika, Jami and Tyler. You guys know what it's all about, and I don't know what I would do without you.)

I think now would be a good time to cease my writing for now. But rest assured, you'll be hearing a lot more from me. I'm hoping I'll have a good story to tell and an even better audience to tell it to.