Confession #1

"You're so tiny!" "You're a stick!" "I could pick you up and throw you across the room!"

I'm so used to hearing comments like these. I am small, it's true, I'm short, don't weigh much, pretty much everything about me is small in some way. I have had many people tell me that they are jealous of my petite frame for whatever reason, and all I can do is smile and nod. That's all I can do because quite frankly I don't understand why they would be jealous. I'm short and frail looking, it looks like I hardly eat, like I'm weak... and that's not the way I want to look. I'm better than that.

The truth is, those same people who tell me they're jealous of the way I look, I'm jealous of myself. I love the way all of my friends look and I hate being the tiny one, the little one. The deeper truth I guess is that I'm self conscious of my body and of the way I look. I know it's rediculous, it's just about the opposite reason every girl in the world is worried about their looks.

I feel like I have to overcompensate for my size, and because of that my personality isn't where it should be. I put up concrete walls, a tough face and a hard voice just to seem... I guess not as small as I am. The more I type it out, the more crazy it sounds, but I still hope it all makes since. There are definitely times I'm dressing up or playing around with clothes with friends and I feel a bit inadequate, just wasted away.

I don't want to be the wasted away, tiny, frail looking girl anymore. Because I'm not that girl on the inside at all. There's more to me than what shows on the outside, and I guess I'm just not sure how to portray that to the world. I'm tired of feeling self conscious for being small, but I'm not exactly sure how to change that...