Breakdown.

I figured out something last night that pretty much slapped me in the face as hard as it possibly could and then left me crumpled on the floor bruised, battered and bewildered. It's not often that I'm in a situation when so many negative feelings are engulfing me at once that I cant even stand up. So much so that I feel sick to my stomach, head, and toes. So much so that I don't have any control over what I do. Although, there were other factors in the night that might have contributed to those particular factors.

It hasn't been that easy to put on the mask I've been sporting the past few months, although I was sure I was getting better with it. Why I was putting on a mask was because of a few things; I had friends with problems I found more important and wanted to help, not hurt them... my unecessary feelings of guilt that drive me away from venting about things most nights... and the fact that I was growing in confidence and didn't want that to seemingly falter. Maybe the most influential reason was the existence of the few secrets that were creeping upon me that I just wanted to keep under wraps.

My state last night was... all over the place. I thought it might be but I didn't know that it would cause me to let down my internal guard and let everything hit me all at once. The mask just completely melted off in a blink of an eye and I was just lost. And the worst part of it all was being unable to stop it all from happening. I just wanted my emotions to go away, I haven't hurt that much in a long long time.

I should have somehow seen this as an opportunity to get rid of all of it, but I was more worried about being a burden and a bother, I just wanted to get out ... and then hide. The small amount that I was able to vent seemed to be too much at the time but now I wish I could have said more. Not knowing how to explain how it all feels is part of the issue... but I still wish I could say something, anything to try and explain why I was in hysterics. Its obvious that I can't keep it in much longer.