Unimportant.

I wrote a while back about purpose and how horrible it feels to not know what your purpose might be or if you have one. That ties into what I'm feeling right now... in fact in some twisted sense it's pretty much exactly what I'm feeling right now. A feeling of not being important.

But not just in general. Most of the time I don't care if I'm important to a great majority of the population, I just go with the flow and tend to blend in anyways. But there's a few people where it's the complete opposite. I want to be important to them... and I'm not entirely sure if that's ok or not.

The past few weeks there have been a couple of those people who it matters with, that I just feel like I don't seem important anymore. I've been replaced, overlooked, I don't matter anymore. I've been brushed aside and unknowingly lost and it's just no big deal. So what do I do? How do I handle it? Am I wrong to feel completely horrible for this?

I've just been praying that I'm mistaken. That this really isn't the case, I'm just crazy and it will blow over. But it's not like I can ask for some sort of proof from these people to show that I'm still important to them. It just doesn't work that way.

Look at the big picture.

It's amazing how if you don't look at the big picture, you don't realize how much work you're actually achieving. For the past few weeks, I've been frantically working out, trying to gain muscle before my auditions (which are tomorrow O.O). So far I just wasn't seeing much result and I was feeling as if all my work really wasn't helping. I just wasn't feeling ready at all. How disappointing that weeks of work had resulted in nothing? What was the point?

But then a friend mentioned that I was getting some muscle. He hadn't seen me in a while, and so I guess rather than myself seemingly seeing no huge difference from seeing myself everyday, he saw what was a few weeks of weight work. I looked at myself a little closer that night... and yes it did seem as though I had gained a bit of muscle. Ok, so maybe the working out wasn't completely futile...

Another night as I was trying to get something out of a cabinet at a friends house, I swung myself up onto the counter so that I could reach higher. As soon as I had done so, another friend commented a little surprised: "Did you just swing yourself up there with your left hand?" I had, and rather effortlessly so. I hadn't really noticed how easily I had just popped right up and the fact that I did it with my non dominant hand, an act that with my coordination would normally end me on the floor, was a bit satisfying.

Now that I look at the big picture, I was getting a lot more work done than I had thought. Day by day of course it didn't seem so, I was only really looking at a day's worth of work and that most definitely did not seem like enough to help me throw around cymbals. But looking back at a few weeks worth of work, even though it still doesn't seem like much to me, it's still a lot better and more settling.

Breakdown.

I figured out something last night that pretty much slapped me in the face as hard as it possibly could and then left me crumpled on the floor bruised, battered and bewildered. It's not often that I'm in a situation when so many negative feelings are engulfing me at once that I cant even stand up. So much so that I feel sick to my stomach, head, and toes. So much so that I don't have any control over what I do. Although, there were other factors in the night that might have contributed to those particular factors.

It hasn't been that easy to put on the mask I've been sporting the past few months, although I was sure I was getting better with it. Why I was putting on a mask was because of a few things; I had friends with problems I found more important and wanted to help, not hurt them... my unecessary feelings of guilt that drive me away from venting about things most nights... and the fact that I was growing in confidence and didn't want that to seemingly falter. Maybe the most influential reason was the existence of the few secrets that were creeping upon me that I just wanted to keep under wraps.

My state last night was... all over the place. I thought it might be but I didn't know that it would cause me to let down my internal guard and let everything hit me all at once. The mask just completely melted off in a blink of an eye and I was just lost. And the worst part of it all was being unable to stop it all from happening. I just wanted my emotions to go away, I haven't hurt that much in a long long time.

I should have somehow seen this as an opportunity to get rid of all of it, but I was more worried about being a burden and a bother, I just wanted to get out ... and then hide. The small amount that I was able to vent seemed to be too much at the time but now I wish I could have said more. Not knowing how to explain how it all feels is part of the issue... but I still wish I could say something, anything to try and explain why I was in hysterics. Its obvious that I can't keep it in much longer.

When will you be happy?

So I just saw a blog prompt that asked: "When will you be happy?" At first I blew it off and went searching for other ideas, but as I continued my search, my mind kept going back to that question. It's an odd form of that question... when. When? Usually it's what makes you happy, or who, or why. But not when.

So... how would I answer that? Am I not already happy? Well... no, not completely, but there are definitely things that make me happy right now. I have great friends, a promising future, a few talents. And sure there are numerous things that can bring me down from time to time, but I definitely try to overcome that, after some frosting straight out of the container and some venting to those who care enough to listen. So why can't when be now?

Am I supposed to consider the things that I think will make me happy in the future? Finding my love and getting married. Traveling the world with my camera. Hopefully getting the chance to attend a killers concert. But how can I answer the question with those things? I still don't know when or if I will experience any of those things. Although it'd be nice if I did. :)

Seriously though, how can I possibly answer that question? Further thinking, I'm not sure I want to. It doesn't really matter when all those other things are going to happen that will make me happy, when I'm blessed right now as it is. I may not be 100% ecstatic all the time, but I'm happy enough. I wish I could realize that all of the time.

My worst enemy.

Oblivion is my worst enemy on so many different levels.

I tend to miss a lot of what is going on around me. I'm a very particular observer I guess. But it's not really that I see what I want to see, I just get lost in my own little world, so wrapped up in my worries that I miss what life shows me from time to time. And I kick myself every time. I wish I could say that it's not my fault that I don't see what people want me to see... I wish there was something I could do about it.

You send me messages from across the room, your eyes carry a story, the emotion flows from your expression... and I can't see it. Why can't I see it?

At the same time, I'm sending messages to people too, but it seems like most of them get lost in transit. With all of my might I try and I try to will my thoughts forward, but my futile attempts just keep adding up. I'm not sure what else I need to do, how much more obvious I need to get, to show what I'm trying to show. Of course everything would be so much more easier if we could just scream it all out from the top of our lungs.

"I wanna scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs... but I'm afraid someone else will hear me."

If we weren't all so oblivious of the things around us... we might, just might... actually be happy.

Identity Crisis.

Once you think you've got yourself all figured out... you surprise yourself with something completely new and you find yourself in square one again.

I see myself as a pretty unique individual most of the time. I'm not one to care what other people think about me, I go out in public wearing some odd things, I've got plenty of piercings and a tattoo. I listen to the type of music that makes some people cringe, and when I feel like being weird, I let loose. But from time to time, when I stop to actually think about who I am, I get lost, draw a blank, have no clue what to think. How do I define myself? How do I describe myself? What is my personality like? Who am I?

I really wish that I could ask people to describe me for myself. I'm curious to know what type of person I really am and who better to let me know than those people who are the closest to me? But I know I would get all sorts of different replies and opinions, so I just may never know.

This coming year is definitely going to help me figure out what type of person I am and what I can use to define myself. (I bring this up a lot when I write, so if I've already mentioned this in a previous blog you've read, I apologize.) I'm really hoping that the opportunity for me to try new things or experiment is not going to change me. I'm not sure I want to change really. I'd almost rather stay the same person but find the puzzle pieces that were missing formerly, to build me up to who I am. To make me stronger I guess.

It will be good to be able to break away from some of the restrictions and boundaries there are around me that keep me held back from figuring this all out. It will be good to go out on my own where the world can take me and mold me the way I'm supposed to be, just based on my own mind and experiences. You can't get a whole lot of that in high school, even if I did have some experiences not a ton of people get.

I'm already starting to feel some of the workings that going to college is going to make me endure. Some of them are pretty cool, but many of them so far have got me way stressed out. Hopefully I'll survive going off to live on my own, and juggling everything I have to juggle. I've done some pretty intense juggling before, but some new factors that have been thrown in, are like knives tossed in the equation. The last thing I need to do is get myself stabbed.

Confession #1

"You're so tiny!" "You're a stick!" "I could pick you up and throw you across the room!"

I'm so used to hearing comments like these. I am small, it's true, I'm short, don't weigh much, pretty much everything about me is small in some way. I have had many people tell me that they are jealous of my petite frame for whatever reason, and all I can do is smile and nod. That's all I can do because quite frankly I don't understand why they would be jealous. I'm short and frail looking, it looks like I hardly eat, like I'm weak... and that's not the way I want to look. I'm better than that.

The truth is, those same people who tell me they're jealous of the way I look, I'm jealous of myself. I love the way all of my friends look and I hate being the tiny one, the little one. The deeper truth I guess is that I'm self conscious of my body and of the way I look. I know it's rediculous, it's just about the opposite reason every girl in the world is worried about their looks.

I feel like I have to overcompensate for my size, and because of that my personality isn't where it should be. I put up concrete walls, a tough face and a hard voice just to seem... I guess not as small as I am. The more I type it out, the more crazy it sounds, but I still hope it all makes since. There are definitely times I'm dressing up or playing around with clothes with friends and I feel a bit inadequate, just wasted away.

I don't want to be the wasted away, tiny, frail looking girl anymore. Because I'm not that girl on the inside at all. There's more to me than what shows on the outside, and I guess I'm just not sure how to portray that to the world. I'm tired of feeling self conscious for being small, but I'm not exactly sure how to change that...