Teasing.

Little boys are known for teasing little girls. Boys pull on girls' hair, or steal their dolls, or stick their their tongues at them. And as much as we'd like to think it does, this never changes: boys always tease girls. Of course the type of teasing changes a bit, it becomes more subtle, and effects girls in different ways. Whether they realize it or not, admit it or not (and they won't) boys have always and will always tease us girls.

The worst kind of teasing is that seemingly oblivious type. Where they go on doing the same things that drive you CRAZY saying the same things that keep you wondering and wondering even hours after they've said it. Of course they don't understand what they can to do us. Of course.

And why, why do we let them do this to us? If they can go without being bothered that they're teasing, shouldn't we be able to go without being bothered that we're teased? If only it were that easy. If it were that easy, girls wouldn't have half the problems we do when it comes to boys. And I'm sure boys would consider us to seem a lot less complicated.

For example, one line I absolutely hate and will never understand is "Maybe if things were different..." That one can gnaw at my brain for days, in fact it's gnawed at my brain for around 3 years now. That's not one any girl wants to hear in a particular circumstance, especially if she wishes that things really were very different.

Because then she starts thinking... what would have happened? What if it had been different?How would it have been different? In my case I wondered if I would have been happier. I wondered if we would have been good together. I wondered if it would have lasted and what it would have evolved to be. And as much as I tell myself it's stupid to wonder wistfully and wish of what could have been, since I can't help it... I still do, and I can't help that.

And further even, it makes me wonder if things still could be different.

Poor Gustav.

My Gall Bladder: Does it stay or does it go?

So I have a hard time making decisions. More so than most people I know, I'm pretty sure more so than I should. Even every day decisions, like what cereal I should eat or whether I should wear flip flops or converse... and then what color converse... etc.

Now I am faced with an actual genuinely tough choice to make... and I am in a rut so deep I don't even know where to start to even get started. This is a decision that will literally change my life and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I have people on either sides trying to tell me why I should choose in whichever direction and I just don't know what to trust or expect... and so on.

On one hand, I make the decision to go through with the procedure. The poor thing comes out. (That's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, I've grown quite attached to my gall bladder, it's been a part of me all my life. I've almost given it a name, but part of me does not dare to go that far.) There is no way to tell what to expect after this, it can go in one of several ways. I could be fine, no complications (I'll get to that soon), I recover nicely, my diet does not need to change drastically , happy end. There could be issues, such as blood clots, or whatever the heck else could go wrong, I could feel sick afterwards and end up going on a strict, never fun, horrid diet. Or I could die. The third is a very unlikely outcome... but who knows.

Or, I could choose not to get it out. I'll have to endure the pain for however much longer the pain decides to stick around, and have it get slightly worse every time I eat like it does now. I could risk more pain attacks and possible ER visits. I could take various pills for the rest of my life. Or it could all just go away. Again, the last is the least likely.

I am not really fond of the idea of surgery. The certain procedure I'm undergoing just freaks me out. (They of course explained it to me thoroughly and I really do wish that they hadn't.) It's pretty certain in my mind that I would be really afraid going into it, and no less afraid coming out of it. The whole not knowing what to expect thing kind of doesn't make things easier in the slightest for me.

However, I really need to make a decision soon, even if the decision is to not do anything at all. The pressure just makes things worse and I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

Poor Gustav. Gustav the gall bladder. Bah...

I wrote a letter to God.

I wrote a letter to God tonight.

Now I know to some this might seem like an odd thing to do, whether or not you are Christian, all that jazz, etc. but all the same... It helps me to write things down. In past blogs I have mentioned that making lists helps me greatly to organize thoughts and figure things out.

I have been in an extremely bad spot in my life the past few weeks. I have never been so in over my head, I have never seen such a dark area in my life, I have never felt so hopeless as I have for the past few weeks. But I don't really feel like dwelling upon that. If you have concerns, this blog is to ensure you that you shouldn't be concerned any more. Not as much as you would have been knowing my recent situation.

I didn't know what else to do. There are these times at night when I suddenly feel really motivated, like I could do anything... and lately I haven't been experiencing these feelings. But tonight I felt it again. And I decided to take advantage of the feeling, unsure about when I might get the feeling again.

I decided that I needed the ultimate amount of help, because I'm not sure who else I could have asked without feeling unsatisfied or like I was being a terrible burden. However, I have a hard time with talking to anyone. So I wrote a letter praying to God. It's the best choice I've made in a very very long time. I was able to discover so many buried thoughts and feelings by uncovering various layers that were just suffocating me. It helped me to decide what steps I really wanted to take next.

I felt so much better after writing, it was a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I knew I was going to be taken care of, and that if I continued to trust in Him, who I should have been trusting all along, that nothing like this would get in my way again. It's a good feeling.

So why am I writing this? I guess I just want to let it be known that I'm about to make a significant amount of changes. I have no doubt that it's going to be a bumpy road, that I'm going to have to consult many people about many things, and that it's going to take a while. But for the first time in months, I'm somewhat optimistic. ... that and even though I've already asked God for help, I want to ask you for help to. Just to keep me accountable. Everyone needs a push forward here and there and I will admit now, I'm probably going to need a shove every once in a while.

Hero Syndrome/Wouldn't it be nice?

It's the need to always feel needed.

Today I realized that I am nobody's everything.

The world would keep turning, everyone would have someone to replace me with, as if I had never been there in the first place. I would be forgotten in no time. No big deal.

And I think that's my biggest issue. I have a subconcious need to be needed by somebody. That's why I always feel like I need to be in charge, why I feel lonely so much.

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Getting more and more tired over time, until finally it's no use trying to fight it. Falling asleep peacefully and not having to feel or think about anything anymore. Ever again. Sounds great doesn't it?

Maybe I should be happier.

Would it help? I know people don't like to be around someone when they're being a downer. And I'm not sure why I always feel like one. But the fact that no one really seems to care should have been a huge hint a long time ago. Am I losing people again because of it? I really wish someone would just tell me, but I don't normally get what I wish for.

Am I acting wrong? Am I losing you? Is it all in my head? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

It's one thing to feel like you're just missing something. But to think about never getting something back is something much much more.

I think I need to live my life more. I kinda just tend to watch as it all passes me by. Like a movie. I go through the motions half heartedly and then I hate myself for it.

It's a motivation problem.

Or maybe that's not the problem at all.

Unimportant.

I wrote a while back about purpose and how horrible it feels to not know what your purpose might be or if you have one. That ties into what I'm feeling right now... in fact in some twisted sense it's pretty much exactly what I'm feeling right now. A feeling of not being important.

But not just in general. Most of the time I don't care if I'm important to a great majority of the population, I just go with the flow and tend to blend in anyways. But there's a few people where it's the complete opposite. I want to be important to them... and I'm not entirely sure if that's ok or not.

The past few weeks there have been a couple of those people who it matters with, that I just feel like I don't seem important anymore. I've been replaced, overlooked, I don't matter anymore. I've been brushed aside and unknowingly lost and it's just no big deal. So what do I do? How do I handle it? Am I wrong to feel completely horrible for this?

I've just been praying that I'm mistaken. That this really isn't the case, I'm just crazy and it will blow over. But it's not like I can ask for some sort of proof from these people to show that I'm still important to them. It just doesn't work that way.

Look at the big picture.

It's amazing how if you don't look at the big picture, you don't realize how much work you're actually achieving. For the past few weeks, I've been frantically working out, trying to gain muscle before my auditions (which are tomorrow O.O). So far I just wasn't seeing much result and I was feeling as if all my work really wasn't helping. I just wasn't feeling ready at all. How disappointing that weeks of work had resulted in nothing? What was the point?

But then a friend mentioned that I was getting some muscle. He hadn't seen me in a while, and so I guess rather than myself seemingly seeing no huge difference from seeing myself everyday, he saw what was a few weeks of weight work. I looked at myself a little closer that night... and yes it did seem as though I had gained a bit of muscle. Ok, so maybe the working out wasn't completely futile...

Another night as I was trying to get something out of a cabinet at a friends house, I swung myself up onto the counter so that I could reach higher. As soon as I had done so, another friend commented a little surprised: "Did you just swing yourself up there with your left hand?" I had, and rather effortlessly so. I hadn't really noticed how easily I had just popped right up and the fact that I did it with my non dominant hand, an act that with my coordination would normally end me on the floor, was a bit satisfying.

Now that I look at the big picture, I was getting a lot more work done than I had thought. Day by day of course it didn't seem so, I was only really looking at a day's worth of work and that most definitely did not seem like enough to help me throw around cymbals. But looking back at a few weeks worth of work, even though it still doesn't seem like much to me, it's still a lot better and more settling.