It's not about you anymore.

I'm never gonna be happy until I actually realize that my life is not meant to be lived trying to make other people happy. I'm never going to actually live until I'm working for myself. Until I am being selfish, I will never be who I need to be to survive.

I always thought people who only really thought about making things better for themselves were absolute jerks. I'm not saying that we should never spend any time at all trying to make things better for people in need if we can, but it's not rational to go on constantly, never being selfish once in a while. Because if you don't make things right for yourself, then how can you help other people? Yeah, you can't.

That's been my mistake. I want to be the hero when I'm the one that needs to be saved. I want to be the solution when I can't solve my own problems. Maybe I run to other people's issues to avoid my own, but that's not gonna cut it anymore.

So I'm gonna work a little harder to make things great in my life, and spend a lot less time trying to help others. Because I can't really do a good job of helping if I'm a trainwreck... and I'm pretty close to being that.

Not That Summer?

So I've been thinking lately that maybe this isn't "that" summer for me. I mean, I want it to be so bad and if it is I'll gladly claim how wrong I was, but at the moment... all signs point to no.

Maybe I should explain what "that" summer is. Its the summer I've been waiting for since I was 14. The summer you see in the movies where you start to define yourself and you really discover what you were put on this earth to do. I really felt like at age 20 this would be a good year for that summer. Plus with how positive I've been feeling and finally figuring out what I might be doing with my life... I was pretty sure that was a magical combination.

But these past few days I've been struggling to keep the fire going. I have this huge list of things I want to do and none of them are happening. It's my fault but I'm also having a hard time fixing it. My insecurities are coming back and I'm just at a loss of what to do. Again.

Maybe I'm just exhausted, and maybe I'm pushing myself too hard when really what I need is a bit of a break. But at this point in time I just really need a push in the right direction and I really hope that I find that real quick. I only have like 90 days of summer left.

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Dear you.

Dear You,

I know what it's like to be afraid of relationships. Maybe that's not it. But although there are a million reasons why you could be, you shouldn't be. Not because "it'll work out" but more because it's worth it either way.

I've been through a good share of heartbreak and pain. I've been through enough awkward moments to last me a while. I've got regrets that make me feel sick. But that's not what I remember the most about my relationships. I remember things like what it's like to hold their hand for the first time and being able to laugh and be myself without fear and feeling like it doesn't matter if there's a tomorrow because the moment I'm in is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And that's what matters.

And it's weird because I'm afraid of perfection. I always seem to search for the flaws in people to give me a reason to back away, to give me an excuse to prevent a relationship. And I can't find that type of flaw with you. That scares me. And every time I talk to you I'm more and more attracted to you. It surprised me at first. But now it's just a fact.

I'm taking my own advise and just leaping without thinking trying everything I've never tried before and putting my heart on my sleeve. All because I feel like you're different. Doesn't make much sense but I figure it really isn't supposed to after all. Just like I'm writing this at midnight on a day before a final because I can't stop thinking about this anyways. I don't know what else to do.

And maybe, this isn't meant to be. If it's not it won't. Personally, I'd rather try it out and see what happens. But it's not all for me to decide. I guess I really wish I knew how you felt...

But I really like you. I appreciate your personality. I think it's really great how you keep to your faith. I love that you have such a passion for your drumming. I think it's absolutely cute how "nerdy" you are sometimes. It's awesome that you have your own opinions. It's perfect that you notice certain things about me. Plus I really like your eyes. Just sayin.

If I were brave I would actually send this to you. If I were really brave I would SAY this at all to you.

I guess only time will tell...

Love, Me.

And btw I'm a hippie.

Little by little, I'm doing what I've said I'd do for so long and I'm piecing my life back together. Not that it was like shattered in a million pieces, but it was falling apart just enough to start sucking a bit. Anywho, little things like I'm exercising regularly and eating healthier and attempting to figure out what I'm doing with my life and actually getting somewhere with it... things like that are making my life seem like it's finding a track that it could stay with for a while.

I like feeling productive, and I like feeling healthy. Which I guess is good since that's a good way to get through life. But there are usually so many things that get in my way that prevent me from those feelings. Laziness. Indecision. And all of the things and people that are in my life that really aren't meant to be. I definitely plan on doing some spring cleaning over summer. That includes parts of my past that really seem to be holding me down. For example, my frosh year in college wasn't the best academically and ended with a relationship that all in all was very bad for me. But instead of letting that hold me down, I'll concentrate that it left me with a great experience in the POA and that I met two of my great friends while living in the dorms. I've moved on from the relationship and my health is much better.

Another thing that I need to clear out of my life is all my attempts to be someone I'm not. It takes up too much energy and time to try to be what others think you should be or what you wish you were when you're not. I'm going to set out all my priorities and beliefs and go from there. And then I'm going to live out my life accordingly, and let the pieces fall in place. Maybe I'm not a dancer but I'm definitely athletic and I could definitely work on my flexibility and balance. I'm a bit girlier than most people think. I think I'm also stronger than people think. And I might be a bit crazier. And btw I'm a hippie.

Maybe being 20 isn't so bad. I'm definitely ready to start being the person I'm meant to be and I'm finally kicking my own butt to get it in gear. I'm living in the anticipation of the feeling of reward after I've worked extremely hard in various aspects of my life and I'm more than willing to do that work. I'm excited to do that work. And I think that's a huge difference than what I was feeling before. Wanting the results but not wanting to do the work to get there. It doesn't work that way. As I can tell from years of failure.

But it's behind me now and I'm moving forward with an actual speed and although I can see obstacles in my way I don't think I'll be crying in any corners any time soon. I'm going to be beautiful and successful and strong. And then maybe I'll write a book. But I'll cross that bridge once I get there.

He'll be.

I wrote this a couple months ago and planned on copying it to this blog but never got around to it. Considering recent events, reading it over is kind of amusing.

"He'll be quiet. Not like a silent being, but in his nature. He'll be peaceful, but never boring. I'll constantly be getting lost in his eyes, a brilliant blue or green. He'll be a gentle soul, but still will be able to stand his ground when needed. He'll make me laugh and love to cuddle. He won't care that I'm such a nerd, he might even love that about me, or be just as much of a geek. He'll respect my beliefs and morals, better yet have close to the same ones. He'll take care of me, even when I insist I'm independent, or just fine. He'll have a good taste in music. He'll know me better than I know myself. He'll love dogs. He'll love my flaws especially when I'm feeling under-confident. He'll hold my hand every chance I get."

In the clouds.

So earlier tonight, I stopped to think for a second, and really wondered when the last time was when I was as happy as I am right now. I couldn't really remember. I could not for the life of me think of any time before where a simple text message would make me absolutely giddy and simple things made me want to sing out loud. I could not think of another time where I was 100% alright with every single thing I was doing in my life. Where I didn't feel guilt for certain things, frustrated about others, etc.

And I say all of this in absolute honesty. I've said before that I'm a worrier. But right now, even though I could think of a few things that are going wrong at this point in time, I don't feel overwhelmed.

I can't help but wonder, what makes this time so much different? As many times as this has happened to me before, why am I absolutely in the clouds? I can't concentrate on anything, songs put me in a dream, I don't get bothered by anything anymore.

And nothing has really happened yet.

"I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes."

Silly.

A while back in my life if someone had an idea opposite of mine about something, I would instantly question my own siding and maybe even think my way to paranoia eventually changing my mind.

I didn't even consider changing my mind today even with all of the questionable looks I got.
I'm actually really hoping to prove them wrong.

I'm surprising myself.
He's surprising me too. Every day.