How come?

It's hard to justify why I even cared. There was no solid foundation to base things on, there wasn't any type of real relationship for me to grasp on. Just a lot of hope. False hope. So why do I care as much as I do now? I guess that bit of hope had more fire to it then I realized. I really thought something was going to evolve.

Did I really think that anything good was going to come from all of it? I think part of me did expect for things to work out the way I wanted them to for a change. It might have been too good to be true if it had worked out that way... it really would have been too good to be true.

Thinking back, not that there can really be much to look back on, I think my eyes were masked. I was stupid enough to think that I might really have been cared for. I mean, that's what was said wasn't it? Because that must make it true. I was too blind to see it any way.

I've been used a few times before, why would this time be any different? Am I really so desperate that I would almost throw myself at any guy that stated they might like me? No I guess not, although it seems like I really would have done a lot of things for him, mostly because he said that I was pretty.

If it's clear for me to see that now, how come it's still so hard for me to accept that it's all over? I even ended it... How come I don't want it to be over? How can that be possible?

I Can Walk On Water, I Can Fly.

"I will never be afraid again, I will keep on fighting till the end. I can walk on water, I can fly. I will keep on fighting till I die..."

There have been a few instances in my life recently that have made me rethink some of my opinions... more like a lot of opinions... that I have about various things in my life. (How vague is that stated... sheesh.) Bottom line is I guess is that my outlook on some important things (or maybe not so important anymore, depends I guess) have changed to the point that I may be making a few semi-drastic changes. Should be fun.

I've always wondered why I was kind of afraid of being bold, being loud and proud. I'm afraid to go talk to people, I'm afraid of social gatherings at times. I'm not sure if it's right to call myself shy, maybe just reserved... but I have reason to believe that this is going to change. And I'm excited :)

Sucks that my bit of an epiphany is occurring right around new years, it makes it seem so fake. I swear that's not it, I haven't been watching enough tv or witnessing enough ads urging people to bring out the "new you!" Actually I think the trip that I took with the band recently is the reason this is all coming to me now. I had someone trying to convince me to break out of my shell a bit. Although I didn't shed the shell completely, I did make some significant cracks... and ended up having some of the best fun I've had in a very long time. I think it's about to do some serious damage to this shell of mine and make sure is obliterated ASAP.

I've needed some sort of an uplifter in my life for a long time. This should do the trick.

All I Ever Wanted.

"All I ever wanted was to see you smiling. All I ever wanted was to make you mine. I know that I love you oh baby why don't you see, that all I ever wanted was you and me?"

It's so easy for me to let my feelings for you get me carried away. And I'm starting to realize that it may be more dangerous than usual for me to be thinking about you all the time. And I do, you run through my head every second of every day (are you tired yet? I know I am.) "every day...every night...you're on my mind...i can't deny. i close my eyes, to think of you my love...you made me feel the light..." I want you to be mine so bad, but I have enough common sense to know that it's just not my luck to have that happen. You may say that I mean something, but you give me false hope... I know you don't mean to. 


"You're my angel, you're the only sunshine in my life. It feels like heaven when you take me in your arms."


You have made me feel things that I have never felt before, held me closer than anyone has ever held me... but it's never been more possible that it all means absolutely nothing. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. Part of me is so upset. I always get so close to getting someone, and then something goes wrong. Another part of me isn't so surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened... might not be the last.

"I'm so alone here on my own, and I'm waiting for you to come.  I want to be a part of you, think of all the things we could do. And everyday you're in my head, I want to have you in my bed. You are the world, you win my eyes, for you're all I want in my life."


So last night I said goodbye. That's all I said. I'm pretty certain you didn't understand why I was saying it... but you will. I'm not going to be the first to text anymore, I'm not going to be the one to keep it all going. It's up to you now. We'll see what happens.

failure.

I keep starting blogs, I have about five unfinished ones just sitting in the folder. I'm not sure why I've been having such a hard time getting myself to finish all of them and it's been almost two months since I've actually posted anything. I think part of it is because I've been sort of living my life in an autopilot mode for a while. I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I thought I had everything pretty much figured out for the next couple months, or at least the next couple weeks, but a few things have happened since then that have put a halt on all of that. Everything has just kind of fallen apart in front of me.

I don't like not being able to fix things myself. I like to make things better, especially if I'm the one who initially messed them up. But that hasn't been the case lately. I've had one screw up after another and I haven't been able to do much to fix those things. I've watched helplessly as things have shattered in front of me, floated so far away that I can't possibly grasp them and felt myself become more and more unmotivated to even try. I'm not sure what to do anymore to help this even. In my mind I really want to buckle down and work until everything is right again, but every time I go to do so all of my energy drains and I wonder why it's even worth it anymore.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel like such a failure on so many levels. In school, in my music and photography, in relationships. Everything. And I feel like asking for help would be the worst thing to do at this point, that it's up to me to clean up my mess. But I'm afraid that I'm in too deep and the few people that I would ask for help at a time like this seem to be the people who are the farthest away. I've got myself stuck in a rut that I'm too weak to get out of.

I have too many "I'm sorry"s on the tip of my tongue ready for everyone that has seen me sink deeper and deeper into a spot that just isn't like me. I know that I'm not usually so unmotivated, that I'm usually not so easy to give up, not like this, not to this extreme. I don't know how I could have let myself fail so bad at everything I do. I hate myself for it. I truly truly do. I'd say that I'll just keep trying to make things better, but I haven't even begun to make any progress on that empty promise. The few things that used to push me to keep on keeping on have vanished and now I'm all alone. I understand this and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if there's any hope left in me at all.

unsaid.

But there's one more thing that I want to say. Something that's been eating away at me for way too long. Why can't I just say it? It means so much to me and yet it's just so much simpler to keep it to myself. Even if I can feel it beating me down each day.

And what would you say back? Would things change for the better or for the worse? Would they change at all? It just keeps eating away slowly and painfully.

Would you accept me? Or would I just get hopelessly pushed away over and over again? I just want things to be right but the silence makes it impossible. I want to say it, why can't I just say it?

The fear of the unknown keeps me gagged and bound. All I can do is watch from afar and wonder what things could be like. I fear you will never know what is keeping me from living, it keeps me from being happy. But you don't even know that there's something there, a thought, a statement that hangs in my head like a bad song.

If I could just scream it, let every word cut through the air clear and strong, if only you could feel what I'm feeling right now, maybe then the understanding I've been wanting for too long would finally set in.

But there's one more thing I want to say...

Teasing.

Little boys are known for teasing little girls. Boys pull on girls' hair, or steal their dolls, or stick their their tongues at them. And as much as we'd like to think it does, this never changes: boys always tease girls. Of course the type of teasing changes a bit, it becomes more subtle, and effects girls in different ways. Whether they realize it or not, admit it or not (and they won't) boys have always and will always tease us girls.

The worst kind of teasing is that seemingly oblivious type. Where they go on doing the same things that drive you CRAZY saying the same things that keep you wondering and wondering even hours after they've said it. Of course they don't understand what they can to do us. Of course.

And why, why do we let them do this to us? If they can go without being bothered that they're teasing, shouldn't we be able to go without being bothered that we're teased? If only it were that easy. If it were that easy, girls wouldn't have half the problems we do when it comes to boys. And I'm sure boys would consider us to seem a lot less complicated.

For example, one line I absolutely hate and will never understand is "Maybe if things were different..." That one can gnaw at my brain for days, in fact it's gnawed at my brain for around 3 years now. That's not one any girl wants to hear in a particular circumstance, especially if she wishes that things really were very different.

Because then she starts thinking... what would have happened? What if it had been different?How would it have been different? In my case I wondered if I would have been happier. I wondered if we would have been good together. I wondered if it would have lasted and what it would have evolved to be. And as much as I tell myself it's stupid to wonder wistfully and wish of what could have been, since I can't help it... I still do, and I can't help that.

And further even, it makes me wonder if things still could be different.

Poor Gustav.

My Gall Bladder: Does it stay or does it go?

So I have a hard time making decisions. More so than most people I know, I'm pretty sure more so than I should. Even every day decisions, like what cereal I should eat or whether I should wear flip flops or converse... and then what color converse... etc.

Now I am faced with an actual genuinely tough choice to make... and I am in a rut so deep I don't even know where to start to even get started. This is a decision that will literally change my life and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I have people on either sides trying to tell me why I should choose in whichever direction and I just don't know what to trust or expect... and so on.

On one hand, I make the decision to go through with the procedure. The poor thing comes out. (That's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, I've grown quite attached to my gall bladder, it's been a part of me all my life. I've almost given it a name, but part of me does not dare to go that far.) There is no way to tell what to expect after this, it can go in one of several ways. I could be fine, no complications (I'll get to that soon), I recover nicely, my diet does not need to change drastically , happy end. There could be issues, such as blood clots, or whatever the heck else could go wrong, I could feel sick afterwards and end up going on a strict, never fun, horrid diet. Or I could die. The third is a very unlikely outcome... but who knows.

Or, I could choose not to get it out. I'll have to endure the pain for however much longer the pain decides to stick around, and have it get slightly worse every time I eat like it does now. I could risk more pain attacks and possible ER visits. I could take various pills for the rest of my life. Or it could all just go away. Again, the last is the least likely.

I am not really fond of the idea of surgery. The certain procedure I'm undergoing just freaks me out. (They of course explained it to me thoroughly and I really do wish that they hadn't.) It's pretty certain in my mind that I would be really afraid going into it, and no less afraid coming out of it. The whole not knowing what to expect thing kind of doesn't make things easier in the slightest for me.

However, I really need to make a decision soon, even if the decision is to not do anything at all. The pressure just makes things worse and I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

Poor Gustav. Gustav the gall bladder. Bah...