.

I'm just sitting here watching everything around me fall apart slowly.

Ever since I was kicked out of Fusion, I've lost most of my motivation to do anything. I don't know how that works with all of my wiring, but that's what's happened and now I'm seeing everything fail around me. And as much as I want to do something to fix it all, I can't. My mind wills my body to move but it decides otherwise. I think about how this could ruin my future but my body doesn't care. It just sits there humming to itself thinking it will get by somehow. I know it won't and things will just get worse if I continue on this way.

I need a 2.0 to be able to become a non-degree seeking student. That's what I need to do to be able to march in the Pride of Arizona. With my best friend and my froshies who I've missed so much this past year. To do what I love, and what I've wanted to do for years and years. So why isn't that enough motivation for me to get up and go to class? Why isn't that enough to kick me in gear and get everything done? Why am I still so unmotivated to do anything productive at all?

I just want to rewind this entire year. Start over. I could do so much better. I put myself in ruts too tall for me to even think about getting out and all I can do about it is sit and wonder and cry. I want to succeed so badly. I want to do well more than anything. So why can't I? What's stopping me? Just myself I guess. And it's hard to get past a road block like that when you're the one who won't budge and you don't know how to get yourself to move. How much can I tell myself "you can do it" and not believe it?

I don't want to screw up my entire future step by step. I want to improve, especially since if I just get worse I'm gonna end up without anything at all. I've already lost enough to make me want to dig myself into a hole and sleep forever. I want to gain all of that back, but I don't know how. I have plenty of things to fight for so why doesn't that seem like enough? I don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid of what's going to happen next.