Steps.

Step 1- Drink only water. No soda, no milk, no juice. (I'm making an exception for tea because it's basically flavored water, and doesn't usually have that many calories, only good added stuff.)

Step 2- Eat 5-6 small "meals" a day. Healthy foods. No candy or chips or fast food stuff. Lots of fruits and vegetables and nuts.

Step 3- Fiber. Helps keep weight in check, helps keep energy up, helps you feel good. Just a positive thing.

Step 4- Weight train. Multitasking for me because not only is it good for getting a good weight but it'll help me get strong for band stuff.

Step 5- Cardio. And lots of it. Every day.

Step 6- Keep it all in a journal. That way if it doesn't work I can figure out what to change.

WIWINWIA

It's been a while. I am terribly sorry that I have been slacking in my duties as a writer and a blogger. When I started out this year, 2011, I, like everyone else, had very high hopes and the unrealistic plans to start fresh and do absolutely better this year than I had last year. However I didn't even get past January until I completely broke down and felt like a failure. But it wasn't because of new mistakes, rather, it was because I couldn't escape the old ones. They've been doing a splendid job of haunting me and making sure I don't forget that all the bad I have done will forever effect me down the road.

My mind keeps telling me that this is a silly thing to even consider. To not be able to move on from my past mistakes? If it was impossible, wouldn't many more people have just given up by now? Even more, wouldn't everybody be void of success? No, I think it's just a matter of finding out how to leave those past mistakes behind and then trekking to another place far away where those mistakes will never be able to find me again.

And I think I've started to create the perfect plan: Operation Who I Was Is Not Who I Am or WIWINWIA. (Say it out loud.... it's hard to do.) I have mapped out a path for success for myself, how to graduate from my current college and then move on to a University with a degree already in progress. The plan that I have discovered will have me on the road to Flagstaff in just about two years. That's not bad. I'll have a year and a half most likely, at NAU before I'll be done with the program I'm looking at right now. That means that I'll only be about a semester behind theoretically, and that's a semester I may be able to make up.

I'm really optimistic about this plan I've made for a few reasons.
#1. It's really easy. Even though I'm graduating from my community college pretty early and really getting ahead, it's not going to require me to max out my credits and be going to school constantly. I'm already halfway there really and doing well.
#2. Right now I'm kicking school's butt. I'm discovering that going to class every day really makes a difference. (duh.) The only reason school was "hard" for me in the past was because I was super sick and therefore getting way behind and missing important things. By the end of this week I will have not missed a day for three weeks. Booyah.
#3. It makes me feel important. I'm going to be really freaking proud to say I have my associates from Pima when December of 2012 rolls around. I've pictured going to Colorado for Christmas and talking to my family about it and how proud they'll be too. It's a good picture.
#4. It means I'm getting somewhere. I've been at a stand still for so long that I've really been afraid that I'm stuck. But I'm not, I've got a plan that's moving me forward and it's in the process right now. I'm moving along now.

Spill.

I think that I'm two different people living in one single body at times.

I'm hardworking and lazy.
I'm driven and unmotivated.
I'm hopeful and helpless.
I'm graceful and clumsy.
I'm trustworthy and disloyal.
I'm social and an introvert.

For example, lately I've been thinking to myself how much a new clean slate would be. How nice it would be to start somewhere new where no one really knows me and to start over completely. I've been fed up with a lot of people, and at the same time I know a lot of people are fed up with me. I think, if only I could disappear off the face of the earth to some, and appear out of nowhere to others maybe I could pull myself together.
And the thing is, I totally can do that in a few years if I go to NAU.
But then my other self is afraid of going off so far away from everything I know. I don't want to be the new person because I'm afraid I'm no good at making friends. And I'm not sure if I want to disappear off the face of the earth, because I know people won't really care if I stay or if I go.

It's like there's a positive self at war with a negative self, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Perhaps I need psychological help.

Currently, the negative self is in the lead. And the positive self in me hates that (well doesn't hate because it's a positive self, but it's very frustrated nonetheless.) And I feel like I just need to embrace one of those cheezy sayings about the light within me overcoming the dark or something of the sort, but I think I need more help than that.

I need more help.

As much as I'd love to say that I'm invincible, I'm really not I guess. And it KILLS me to admit that out loud because I do my very best to not show my mental weaknesses. It's my absolute dream to be one of those girls people see and say "She's a fighter." In some aspects of myself yeah, I guess I am, but not enough to make that real difference.

Want to know a secret? I have real self esteem issues. I'm sure there are people who can tell, yeah.
I hate the way my body looks.
I always feel awkward.
I hate the way my voice sounds.
I get so embarrassed when I trip over my words.
I hate my nose.
I can't talk to most boys without feeling like a complete loser.
I CONSTANTLY THINK PEOPLE ARE JUDGING MY EVERY MOVE.

It's a daily battle. It's a selfish one, I know that. But it still makes me want to curl up in bed some days and never get out. Honestly, it might be why I'm sick all the time.

I'm debating whether or not to post this right now. I know it makes me look pathetic, but at the same time I know not many people will read it. Maybe there's just part of me that hopes that someone will read this and be that key to the help I need.

I want to be Luna Lovegood.

I want to be her. Seriously. She's constantly in her own little world, and yet she's so considerate of others. She doesn't really care what other people think of her and she stands up for what she believes in. She's got a style of her own and nobody else comes even close to being like her. She's always mysterious, and seemingly crazy, leaving everyone questioning everything, but she's still fun enough to be a great friend. I want to be Luna Lovegood.

I have finals this week. I'm almost excited that they're here because as soon as I'm done with them, I'm moving straight on. I'm going to lead a completely different lifestyle, I'll have a completely different outlook on everything and I'm hoping that things start to become much more enjoyable. I'm ready to crank out an extreme to do list and live life better. I've been done with these classes mentally since the beginning of November so you can imagine how I feel about all of them now. It's going to be exciting when Thursday afternoon rolls around and I'm officially done with this semester. I'm not even going to obsess about my grades until they're up.

Sheep.

So on the way home from Phoenix today, my mom and I stopped at a Target store. We parked next to this truck that looked like it had one of those wired dog crates in the bed, and it was partly covered by a blanket. We wondered if there was a dog inside of it (and since we're dog lovers we had to check.) But there wasn't a dog in this crate. Instead...

A little sheep. Very cute, just chillen in the back of this truck like nobody's business. It was a very unexpected surprise.

So I learned this weekend that I don't really do well with last minute stressors. Especially something like last minute auditions. I definitely appreciate the idea of over preparing and preparing for a very long time before something like that. I definitely learned that I can't do anything very well if I'm in high anxiety. Something to definitely work on.

Keeping this in mind, I'm planning on starting my preparations for the next auditions I'm planning on ASAP.

Odd looks and Medical Records.

Although I'm pretty significantly oblivious about a good amount of things, the one thing I never miss is when I get odd looks from people. Especially groups of people when I'm by myself. I tend to get them a lot more lately and I'm not really sure why. I caught many of these looks this morning, so when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror.

This is a pretty normal outfit for me on yoga days. I usually dress really comfy, and even though I have bluish socks sticking out of my red plaid boots, I wouldn't say this looks too odd. Nonetheless, I had people looking at me like I was wearing a parrot on my head or something. Oh well, it almost makes me want to dress even more "crazy" since I'm already getting the looks for it. I enjoy wearing odd combinations of things. And I was super cozy today too. (Side note, yes, my room is super messy. Just the way I like it.)

I put together all of the paperwork and letters and such for my retroactive withdrawal for my first semester at UA. I just have to finish writing the summary letter, get a form from the registration office and then hopefully it won't be too difficult turning it all in. I'm going to go tomorrow right after my classes. On the website it says it takes 8-10 weeks to go through and have them email you with the results. I can guarantee you that I'm going to be checking that email every single day multiple times per day from tomorrow until I get it. I'm really hoping everything goes ok with it, I feel like I have more than enough paperwork and a legit reason to petition for it. I don't know what I'll do if they deny it. It's my only chance to march again with the Pride.

This is me swamped in my medical records from last year. Keep in mind, these are individual stacks of packets. Quite a bit of paperwork.

Anyways, I should probably go work on that letter or practice music or do something productive. :)

Winter Photo Shoot.

So yesterday while baking, I definitely burned myself pretty bad pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven. I think this is the worst burn I've ever gotten (thank God it's not really all that bad.) My skin is literally burnt to a crisp though it's an odd brownish color and it's already scarring right in the middle. It's pretty gross. It actually looks like a bruise I used to get playing cymbals. Which is kind of funny.

This picture doesn't do it justice.

Anyways, today I got to do another one of my photo shoots today, with two of the most lovely girls in the world. :) We went to Reid Park and had some fun just running around and doing whatever it was a lot of fun. I definitely needed to do a photo shoot, I had been itching to do one for a while, it's been a few months since I've had the chance to really put something together.

They're both wearing Tinker Bell gloves :)

I love taking pictures at odd angles. Straight on just seems really boring to me most days unless there's something crazy going on in the picture. I love color too. Although I think black and white is absolutely beautiful, I rarely turn my photos black and white. Instead, I use tons of amazing filters.

We took several shots trying to get this right. It wasn't a matter of catching the leaves in the air in the shot, it was the brightness level, or the colors blending too much.

I love the very unnatural orangy red against the more natural setting behind it. These girls are crazy, they were climbing all over all sorts of things. Just the type of models I love. :)

I love playing around with photoshop and discovering what nifty things I can do with it. Sometimes I'll go online and find tutorials teaching new ways to make your pictures look amazing on photoshop and I do my best to give them all a try. If I love them, I usually try to take pictures in my next photoshoot that would work with a cool idea I've discovered. A while ago when I was looking through these tutorials, I actually thought of my own idea (one I'm sure many others have done, but I'm proud to say that I personally came up with it on my own in the case of my own work.) I thought it would be cool to take a series of pictures of one person in different places in one setting. For example...

The three on the left are all Erika, and the three on the right are all Nikki. 

One day when I learn how to make tutorials, maybe I'll post some on here. It's so much fun to do unique things with your photos and it's really fun to impress your friends with what you can do.