failure.

I keep starting blogs, I have about five unfinished ones just sitting in the folder. I'm not sure why I've been having such a hard time getting myself to finish all of them and it's been almost two months since I've actually posted anything. I think part of it is because I've been sort of living my life in an autopilot mode for a while. I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I thought I had everything pretty much figured out for the next couple months, or at least the next couple weeks, but a few things have happened since then that have put a halt on all of that. Everything has just kind of fallen apart in front of me.

I don't like not being able to fix things myself. I like to make things better, especially if I'm the one who initially messed them up. But that hasn't been the case lately. I've had one screw up after another and I haven't been able to do much to fix those things. I've watched helplessly as things have shattered in front of me, floated so far away that I can't possibly grasp them and felt myself become more and more unmotivated to even try. I'm not sure what to do anymore to help this even. In my mind I really want to buckle down and work until everything is right again, but every time I go to do so all of my energy drains and I wonder why it's even worth it anymore.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel like such a failure on so many levels. In school, in my music and photography, in relationships. Everything. And I feel like asking for help would be the worst thing to do at this point, that it's up to me to clean up my mess. But I'm afraid that I'm in too deep and the few people that I would ask for help at a time like this seem to be the people who are the farthest away. I've got myself stuck in a rut that I'm too weak to get out of.

I have too many "I'm sorry"s on the tip of my tongue ready for everyone that has seen me sink deeper and deeper into a spot that just isn't like me. I know that I'm not usually so unmotivated, that I'm usually not so easy to give up, not like this, not to this extreme. I don't know how I could have let myself fail so bad at everything I do. I hate myself for it. I truly truly do. I'd say that I'll just keep trying to make things better, but I haven't even begun to make any progress on that empty promise. The few things that used to push me to keep on keeping on have vanished and now I'm all alone. I understand this and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if there's any hope left in me at all.

unsaid.

But there's one more thing that I want to say. Something that's been eating away at me for way too long. Why can't I just say it? It means so much to me and yet it's just so much simpler to keep it to myself. Even if I can feel it beating me down each day.

And what would you say back? Would things change for the better or for the worse? Would they change at all? It just keeps eating away slowly and painfully.

Would you accept me? Or would I just get hopelessly pushed away over and over again? I just want things to be right but the silence makes it impossible. I want to say it, why can't I just say it?

The fear of the unknown keeps me gagged and bound. All I can do is watch from afar and wonder what things could be like. I fear you will never know what is keeping me from living, it keeps me from being happy. But you don't even know that there's something there, a thought, a statement that hangs in my head like a bad song.

If I could just scream it, let every word cut through the air clear and strong, if only you could feel what I'm feeling right now, maybe then the understanding I've been wanting for too long would finally set in.

But there's one more thing I want to say...

Teasing.

Little boys are known for teasing little girls. Boys pull on girls' hair, or steal their dolls, or stick their their tongues at them. And as much as we'd like to think it does, this never changes: boys always tease girls. Of course the type of teasing changes a bit, it becomes more subtle, and effects girls in different ways. Whether they realize it or not, admit it or not (and they won't) boys have always and will always tease us girls.

The worst kind of teasing is that seemingly oblivious type. Where they go on doing the same things that drive you CRAZY saying the same things that keep you wondering and wondering even hours after they've said it. Of course they don't understand what they can to do us. Of course.

And why, why do we let them do this to us? If they can go without being bothered that they're teasing, shouldn't we be able to go without being bothered that we're teased? If only it were that easy. If it were that easy, girls wouldn't have half the problems we do when it comes to boys. And I'm sure boys would consider us to seem a lot less complicated.

For example, one line I absolutely hate and will never understand is "Maybe if things were different..." That one can gnaw at my brain for days, in fact it's gnawed at my brain for around 3 years now. That's not one any girl wants to hear in a particular circumstance, especially if she wishes that things really were very different.

Because then she starts thinking... what would have happened? What if it had been different?How would it have been different? In my case I wondered if I would have been happier. I wondered if we would have been good together. I wondered if it would have lasted and what it would have evolved to be. And as much as I tell myself it's stupid to wonder wistfully and wish of what could have been, since I can't help it... I still do, and I can't help that.

And further even, it makes me wonder if things still could be different.

Poor Gustav.

My Gall Bladder: Does it stay or does it go?

So I have a hard time making decisions. More so than most people I know, I'm pretty sure more so than I should. Even every day decisions, like what cereal I should eat or whether I should wear flip flops or converse... and then what color converse... etc.

Now I am faced with an actual genuinely tough choice to make... and I am in a rut so deep I don't even know where to start to even get started. This is a decision that will literally change my life and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I have people on either sides trying to tell me why I should choose in whichever direction and I just don't know what to trust or expect... and so on.

On one hand, I make the decision to go through with the procedure. The poor thing comes out. (That's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time, I've grown quite attached to my gall bladder, it's been a part of me all my life. I've almost given it a name, but part of me does not dare to go that far.) There is no way to tell what to expect after this, it can go in one of several ways. I could be fine, no complications (I'll get to that soon), I recover nicely, my diet does not need to change drastically , happy end. There could be issues, such as blood clots, or whatever the heck else could go wrong, I could feel sick afterwards and end up going on a strict, never fun, horrid diet. Or I could die. The third is a very unlikely outcome... but who knows.

Or, I could choose not to get it out. I'll have to endure the pain for however much longer the pain decides to stick around, and have it get slightly worse every time I eat like it does now. I could risk more pain attacks and possible ER visits. I could take various pills for the rest of my life. Or it could all just go away. Again, the last is the least likely.

I am not really fond of the idea of surgery. The certain procedure I'm undergoing just freaks me out. (They of course explained it to me thoroughly and I really do wish that they hadn't.) It's pretty certain in my mind that I would be really afraid going into it, and no less afraid coming out of it. The whole not knowing what to expect thing kind of doesn't make things easier in the slightest for me.

However, I really need to make a decision soon, even if the decision is to not do anything at all. The pressure just makes things worse and I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

Poor Gustav. Gustav the gall bladder. Bah...

I wrote a letter to God.

I wrote a letter to God tonight.

Now I know to some this might seem like an odd thing to do, whether or not you are Christian, all that jazz, etc. but all the same... It helps me to write things down. In past blogs I have mentioned that making lists helps me greatly to organize thoughts and figure things out.

I have been in an extremely bad spot in my life the past few weeks. I have never been so in over my head, I have never seen such a dark area in my life, I have never felt so hopeless as I have for the past few weeks. But I don't really feel like dwelling upon that. If you have concerns, this blog is to ensure you that you shouldn't be concerned any more. Not as much as you would have been knowing my recent situation.

I didn't know what else to do. There are these times at night when I suddenly feel really motivated, like I could do anything... and lately I haven't been experiencing these feelings. But tonight I felt it again. And I decided to take advantage of the feeling, unsure about when I might get the feeling again.

I decided that I needed the ultimate amount of help, because I'm not sure who else I could have asked without feeling unsatisfied or like I was being a terrible burden. However, I have a hard time with talking to anyone. So I wrote a letter praying to God. It's the best choice I've made in a very very long time. I was able to discover so many buried thoughts and feelings by uncovering various layers that were just suffocating me. It helped me to decide what steps I really wanted to take next.

I felt so much better after writing, it was a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I knew I was going to be taken care of, and that if I continued to trust in Him, who I should have been trusting all along, that nothing like this would get in my way again. It's a good feeling.

So why am I writing this? I guess I just want to let it be known that I'm about to make a significant amount of changes. I have no doubt that it's going to be a bumpy road, that I'm going to have to consult many people about many things, and that it's going to take a while. But for the first time in months, I'm somewhat optimistic. ... that and even though I've already asked God for help, I want to ask you for help to. Just to keep me accountable. Everyone needs a push forward here and there and I will admit now, I'm probably going to need a shove every once in a while.

Hero Syndrome/Wouldn't it be nice?

It's the need to always feel needed.

Today I realized that I am nobody's everything.

The world would keep turning, everyone would have someone to replace me with, as if I had never been there in the first place. I would be forgotten in no time. No big deal.

And I think that's my biggest issue. I have a subconcious need to be needed by somebody. That's why I always feel like I need to be in charge, why I feel lonely so much.

------------------------------------------------

Getting more and more tired over time, until finally it's no use trying to fight it. Falling asleep peacefully and not having to feel or think about anything anymore. Ever again. Sounds great doesn't it?

Maybe I should be happier.

Would it help? I know people don't like to be around someone when they're being a downer. And I'm not sure why I always feel like one. But the fact that no one really seems to care should have been a huge hint a long time ago. Am I losing people again because of it? I really wish someone would just tell me, but I don't normally get what I wish for.

Am I acting wrong? Am I losing you? Is it all in my head? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

It's one thing to feel like you're just missing something. But to think about never getting something back is something much much more.

I think I need to live my life more. I kinda just tend to watch as it all passes me by. Like a movie. I go through the motions half heartedly and then I hate myself for it.

It's a motivation problem.

Or maybe that's not the problem at all.