Next year.

Ok so maybe I got everything pretty screwed up lately. Maybe I've been slacking off too much and I've been wasting my time and this year has really gotten me absolutely nowhere. But in retrospect I guess there has to be a mirror image somewhere... and that's why I'm looking forward so much to next year.

- I'll have my own room. this means that I won't have to deal with a room mate, I won't have to deal with her music, or her extremely bad singing while I'm trying to study and concentrate, I won't have to worry about her keeping me up late when I want to sleep or keeping her up when I want to stay up. I'll have my space and I can do whatever I want with it, be as messy and clean as I want and not have to take out her trash or trip over her shoes. I'll be able to get organized, get rid of stuff and get my room figured out over the summer. Oh and my bed will be at a height where I don't have to use a step stool to get in.

-I'll be living at home. This seems like a bad thing but I'm going to try to make it not be negative. For one, I'll have someone cooking real food in the comfort of home and not have to walk all the way to the union in back to sit and eat. I'll have more places to study or do whatever without random people I don't know walking in and giving me weird looks like I'm not allowed to be there. I'll have my dog, which is the ultimate stress relief. I can play my instruments without headphones. I can even invite people over from time to time and not have to worry about the crazy dorm life getting in the way.

-I'll have other places to stay with friends (and very generous boyfriend). If I need to get away I have places to go. I have somewhere to park my car for practices, and somewhere to stay for game nights... or whenever I need it... within reason of course.

-I'll have a new (kinda) start at school. I've figured out for the most part what I want to do in life and now I know how to get to do it. I won't change my major another 3 times because I think I need to. I know this is what I'm good at and what I love and that's all I need. My classes won't be so ridiculous anymore, won't be composed of 300 hundred students, won't have egotistical professors who don't care about their students (I hope). I'll be at a school that can help guide me to success rather than try to keep me from it. Oh, and it doesn't steal as much money from me. Not even close.

-I'm going to have such a better experience with band. Last year rocked... when I wasn't in the ER, or doubled over in pain or sick at home. I missed more than half of the season, most of the Saturday practices, a few games, and several class practices. Not cool. This year I'm going to take my reputation of being the weak little stick and rip it to shreds. I'm more than that and it's about time these college kids saw that.

-I'm going to have more fun. I spend too much time by myself. Too many nights that I could go out and do something fun or hang out with people I love or whatever, I spend in my room alone doing nothing important in particular. Not next year. I don't want my life to continue wasting away like that. Hopefully school will be so much better that I will have the opportunity often to go try new things, get out there, make new friends and become closer to the old.

-I'm going to concentrate more on my passions. I'm going to take more pictures, do more shoots and travel around more to find new shot opportunities. I'm going to work on my music again. I'm going to eliminate all the cobwebs that have formed over my piano playing and pick up the flute again. I'm really going to do my best during band to become a better cymbal player as well and try to work on theory too even though that doesn't sound like as much fun. I want to become a better photographer and musician.

-I'm going to put more effort into my Christianity. I've been slowly but surely building back up to my relationship with God but like always, it could use a world of improvement. I have a lot of problems in my life that I'm pretty sure won't go away without God's help and I know I need him more than ever now.

-I'm going to keep in mind that I have plenty of people to help me through the low times and that I need to actually go to them because keeping to myself and being down and out is just not an option in life anymore. I've done enough of that to last me a lifetime. I have beautiful friends, a boyfriend who is more than I could ever ask for, and a family that has always been there for me whether I've liked it or not. If I continue to ignore that then I will really end up alone and that is my greatest fear in life. I also need to remind those people that I love them so much and that it means the world to me that I am lucky enough to have them in my life. (I'm pretty sure a few of you might be reading this right now, so know that^ :) ).

I'm being given another chance at this. I know I can blow it again and I know that I just won't allow that to happen. I've done enough sitting around and I know that I'm better than that. I have more to live for and a life worth living to the fullest. If I don't do that, it's on me. No more. I'm done with that. I'm saying this at one of the lowest points I've been, and I feel like the only possible way I could look anymore is up. If I continue to look down then that's the direction I'll continue to go. And I don't want to know where that ends out. Plus I'm afraid of heights. :)

So... here we go...

"We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
turn it all around or throw it all away
we gotta tell 'em that we love 'em
while we got the chance to say
gotta live like we're dying" - Kris Allen

.

I'm just sitting here watching everything around me fall apart slowly.

Ever since I was kicked out of Fusion, I've lost most of my motivation to do anything. I don't know how that works with all of my wiring, but that's what's happened and now I'm seeing everything fail around me. And as much as I want to do something to fix it all, I can't. My mind wills my body to move but it decides otherwise. I think about how this could ruin my future but my body doesn't care. It just sits there humming to itself thinking it will get by somehow. I know it won't and things will just get worse if I continue on this way.

I need a 2.0 to be able to become a non-degree seeking student. That's what I need to do to be able to march in the Pride of Arizona. With my best friend and my froshies who I've missed so much this past year. To do what I love, and what I've wanted to do for years and years. So why isn't that enough motivation for me to get up and go to class? Why isn't that enough to kick me in gear and get everything done? Why am I still so unmotivated to do anything productive at all?

I just want to rewind this entire year. Start over. I could do so much better. I put myself in ruts too tall for me to even think about getting out and all I can do about it is sit and wonder and cry. I want to succeed so badly. I want to do well more than anything. So why can't I? What's stopping me? Just myself I guess. And it's hard to get past a road block like that when you're the one who won't budge and you don't know how to get yourself to move. How much can I tell myself "you can do it" and not believe it?

I don't want to screw up my entire future step by step. I want to improve, especially since if I just get worse I'm gonna end up without anything at all. I've already lost enough to make me want to dig myself into a hole and sleep forever. I want to gain all of that back, but I don't know how. I have plenty of things to fight for so why doesn't that seem like enough? I don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid of what's going to happen next.

Too much wishing.

I make a wish every time I see the clock turn 11:11. If the clasp of my necklace falls to the front, I make a wish before turning it back. If there's an eyelash on my cheek I make a wish before I brush it away. If I find a coin heads up on the floor, I make a wish and put it in my shoe. With all this wishing going on, you'd think one or two of them would come true for me. However, through years of wishing as much as I do I think it may be time to stop thinking any of them will come true. I do too much wishing... I don't take the action for any of it to happen myself... and that's not working out very well.

How come?

It's hard to justify why I even cared. There was no solid foundation to base things on, there wasn't any type of real relationship for me to grasp on. Just a lot of hope. False hope. So why do I care as much as I do now? I guess that bit of hope had more fire to it then I realized. I really thought something was going to evolve.

Did I really think that anything good was going to come from all of it? I think part of me did expect for things to work out the way I wanted them to for a change. It might have been too good to be true if it had worked out that way... it really would have been too good to be true.

Thinking back, not that there can really be much to look back on, I think my eyes were masked. I was stupid enough to think that I might really have been cared for. I mean, that's what was said wasn't it? Because that must make it true. I was too blind to see it any way.

I've been used a few times before, why would this time be any different? Am I really so desperate that I would almost throw myself at any guy that stated they might like me? No I guess not, although it seems like I really would have done a lot of things for him, mostly because he said that I was pretty.

If it's clear for me to see that now, how come it's still so hard for me to accept that it's all over? I even ended it... How come I don't want it to be over? How can that be possible?

I Can Walk On Water, I Can Fly.

"I will never be afraid again, I will keep on fighting till the end. I can walk on water, I can fly. I will keep on fighting till I die..."

There have been a few instances in my life recently that have made me rethink some of my opinions... more like a lot of opinions... that I have about various things in my life. (How vague is that stated... sheesh.) Bottom line is I guess is that my outlook on some important things (or maybe not so important anymore, depends I guess) have changed to the point that I may be making a few semi-drastic changes. Should be fun.

I've always wondered why I was kind of afraid of being bold, being loud and proud. I'm afraid to go talk to people, I'm afraid of social gatherings at times. I'm not sure if it's right to call myself shy, maybe just reserved... but I have reason to believe that this is going to change. And I'm excited :)

Sucks that my bit of an epiphany is occurring right around new years, it makes it seem so fake. I swear that's not it, I haven't been watching enough tv or witnessing enough ads urging people to bring out the "new you!" Actually I think the trip that I took with the band recently is the reason this is all coming to me now. I had someone trying to convince me to break out of my shell a bit. Although I didn't shed the shell completely, I did make some significant cracks... and ended up having some of the best fun I've had in a very long time. I think it's about to do some serious damage to this shell of mine and make sure is obliterated ASAP.

I've needed some sort of an uplifter in my life for a long time. This should do the trick.

All I Ever Wanted.

"All I ever wanted was to see you smiling. All I ever wanted was to make you mine. I know that I love you oh baby why don't you see, that all I ever wanted was you and me?"

It's so easy for me to let my feelings for you get me carried away. And I'm starting to realize that it may be more dangerous than usual for me to be thinking about you all the time. And I do, you run through my head every second of every day (are you tired yet? I know I am.) "every day...every night...you're on my mind...i can't deny. i close my eyes, to think of you my love...you made me feel the light..." I want you to be mine so bad, but I have enough common sense to know that it's just not my luck to have that happen. You may say that I mean something, but you give me false hope... I know you don't mean to. 


"You're my angel, you're the only sunshine in my life. It feels like heaven when you take me in your arms."


You have made me feel things that I have never felt before, held me closer than anyone has ever held me... but it's never been more possible that it all means absolutely nothing. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. Part of me is so upset. I always get so close to getting someone, and then something goes wrong. Another part of me isn't so surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened... might not be the last.

"I'm so alone here on my own, and I'm waiting for you to come.  I want to be a part of you, think of all the things we could do. And everyday you're in my head, I want to have you in my bed. You are the world, you win my eyes, for you're all I want in my life."


So last night I said goodbye. That's all I said. I'm pretty certain you didn't understand why I was saying it... but you will. I'm not going to be the first to text anymore, I'm not going to be the one to keep it all going. It's up to you now. We'll see what happens.

failure.

I keep starting blogs, I have about five unfinished ones just sitting in the folder. I'm not sure why I've been having such a hard time getting myself to finish all of them and it's been almost two months since I've actually posted anything. I think part of it is because I've been sort of living my life in an autopilot mode for a while. I don't know, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I thought I had everything pretty much figured out for the next couple months, or at least the next couple weeks, but a few things have happened since then that have put a halt on all of that. Everything has just kind of fallen apart in front of me.

I don't like not being able to fix things myself. I like to make things better, especially if I'm the one who initially messed them up. But that hasn't been the case lately. I've had one screw up after another and I haven't been able to do much to fix those things. I've watched helplessly as things have shattered in front of me, floated so far away that I can't possibly grasp them and felt myself become more and more unmotivated to even try. I'm not sure what to do anymore to help this even. In my mind I really want to buckle down and work until everything is right again, but every time I go to do so all of my energy drains and I wonder why it's even worth it anymore.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel like such a failure on so many levels. In school, in my music and photography, in relationships. Everything. And I feel like asking for help would be the worst thing to do at this point, that it's up to me to clean up my mess. But I'm afraid that I'm in too deep and the few people that I would ask for help at a time like this seem to be the people who are the farthest away. I've got myself stuck in a rut that I'm too weak to get out of.

I have too many "I'm sorry"s on the tip of my tongue ready for everyone that has seen me sink deeper and deeper into a spot that just isn't like me. I know that I'm not usually so unmotivated, that I'm usually not so easy to give up, not like this, not to this extreme. I don't know how I could have let myself fail so bad at everything I do. I hate myself for it. I truly truly do. I'd say that I'll just keep trying to make things better, but I haven't even begun to make any progress on that empty promise. The few things that used to push me to keep on keeping on have vanished and now I'm all alone. I understand this and now all I can do is sit here and wonder if there's any hope left in me at all.